7 lbs and I cant breath

Let me start today that i never thought lifting 7 lbs would make me out of breath. . . Now your all saying WTF 7 pounds well  let me break it down. . . I lost 57 lbs  I had on my shoulders a 40 lbs  dog food and a 25 lbs of birds seed. . 40 + 25= 65 – 57= 7.  When your Fluffy, big boned large FAT what ever you want to call it you never see the Weight. .  when you are in a relation ship you get complacent and let your self go. .  STOP that your partner wants to show you off and when you weight 340 pound you look like CRAP.  They want sexy not FFS really the Pillsbury dough boy. . . this is not the normal post that will I hope inspire a talk between you and your wife husband girl/boy friend its a chat you need to have with your self as Christopher Titus said IF YOUR NOT WITH IN 10% of your starting dating weight YOUR the issue not them. . . . So here is a recap talk to partner, talk to your self about your actions and your life style. . . and always tell them there sexy and hug them. .


Forgiveness is a choice

what should have been

Model “Lady Atropin”  and  husband  “Langmann Ingoson” Photographer:  “Bully-Pictures”

“Forgiveness is a choice. Don’t wait for it to just wash over you all of a sudden. You have to choose it” – Dr.Phil

We hate our selves. .  Yes I just said what no one wants to admit.  Most people cant stand the face in the mirror, or they displace there feelings onto others to lighten there dislike for them selves.  To love ones self is not a crime, in many cases we don’t.  What we need to do is forgive ourselves for the sins of the past.  LET IT THE FUCK GO… Its not a coat to keep you warm, in fact it makes you colder. Its not armor to keep you safe, it makes you more vulnerable. It does not make you strong, it makes you weaker.  What it is, is a way for us to give pennants to our selves.  Its ok to love your self, to forgive your self.  What is not ok is to build a wall so high, so think you cant find even your self.  IF YOU WANT TO BE FREE…..forgive your self, there is no joy, no happy, no completion, if you cant forgive your self..  I know this first hand. . .  because I have never forgiven many of my friends and family for things… What I discovered is that I have become a lesser person for holding on to it. . .  I lost something very dear to me, because I could not forgive.  As I sat and talk to them, I found out that they can not forgive either.  How sad we both are for giving the power for happiness away.  I will try.    “No. Try not. Do… or do not. There is no try.” – Yoda   < for the geeks…….  IF I want to be happy and maybe once again travel with someone I truly love I must learn to forgive my self first then others because it does not work the other way around…….

And so it begins. . .

And so it begins. . .  That’s a great opening now what?  do we just sigh and let it hang like that what begins? and if it is beginning what’s ending so this can begin?!  If your reading this you know me I’m rude harsh and well not the most friendly.  Over the past 7 years I have kinda been walled up and not really ready to begin. .  I have lost 60 pounds (57) but wanted to see a round number there. .  Life has looked at me and said Ya complacency not a good look on you so Here you go more bull shit and when your done with that I have a cow barn in July that needs cleaning. . . I have great people around me that’s helping me these notes I leave are my thoughts and observations and a lot of them are personal to me but many see them selves in the words. .  A wonderful person is giving me my wings back and a friends is giving me a place to land. its time to Pull the pin and see what’s next. . There is no Eye opening revelation in this one, there is a sad broken man piecing his broken self back together. .  When its over (a relationship) or a life has ended there are ripples. Some bad, some good as humans we see the bad. . . But at some point you need to look at the good…. I’m close to that point.  I have never used a name of any one in this rant over the past 22 days and I never will because there not about one person there about looking at things and see where I can be better. I have been OD’ing on youtube videos to help inspire me in this change I use some of them in my rants. . The one that I think of the most is

“If you’re not making someone else’s life better, then you’re wasting your time. Your life will become better by making other lives better.”
Will Smith
So I hope this makes your life a little better Like all of you have to this broken man so (inhales) thank you all

” why do we fall, . . .?

Day 31: ” why do we fall, . . .? So we can learn to pick ourselves up. Thomas Wayne:

Seams simple enough.  We fall we get up we have done it from the time we where babies. we fall we get over and over.  That’s the physical fall but what a bout a fall from grace, a fall from favor, or a personal fall in you life. OH well then the word changes to fail. Still for letters but only one changes bit the meaning does So is the real question why do we fail.  ( inhales )   ” we cheated, I was tired , I had no money, I cant seam to get a break you never told me  we never tried…….. STOP, JUST FUCKING STOP…… We failed because. . . If we don’t fail we will never know what its like to win.
“Every man should lose a battle in his youth, so he does not lose a war when he is old.”
We lose battles all the time Mine for years was with weight. I was 350 lbs. I’m now 285 lbs. I’m winning the war in my later years. We fail ( fall ) to learn that its not the end. Yes some times in the world a Fail is the end. I was in the Marine Corps. and some fails cost lives. In the normal world fail/fall does not.  Its ok to fail/fall every one does it.
“How did it feel to fail 1,000 times?” Edison replied, I didn’t fail 1,000 times. The light bulb was an invention with 1,000 steps.
In my last relationship I had 3 fall’s in it and on the forth I got it right. By that time how ever a beautiful loving woman had faded away. I cant blame her I still love her. So me fixing my fail/fall took 4 steps. Don’t be afraid to fail/fall. its showing you that you can get back up and that way was not the right way.

“One day, whether you are 14, 28 or 65,

Day 30 “One day, whether you are 14, 28 or 65,
you will stumble upon someone who will start a fire in you that cannot die.
However, the saddest, most awful truth you will ever come to find––
is they are not always with whom we spend our lives”
Beau Taplin, Hunting Season
We meet people every day, some you say hello to, some are just a glance. Some you will date, these will either be a dinner or longer. Some you should not have dated some you will have a long relation ship with. There are 2 people that have left there finger prints on my life for ever. They both tried to help me at a time that I did not want to be helped.  They pulled me to my feet, dressed me and fed me, gave me opportunity’s to better my self, I failed both times.  The 2nd  was the love of my life, we had dreams to change the world. . .  this will not come to pass. . .  We had a shadow over our time together, the Elephant in the room if you will.  Some thing happened early on and we never fixed it, talked about it or delt with the issue. “….foolish man who built his house on the sand.” Matthew 7:26  so we set about building out future on this shake ground.
When you meet the person that Changes your life, Cherish every second, minute, hour, day, week or even years.  For they may not always be around. and the thing is we never know when there going to vanish from our lives.
In my case we never pored the concrete,  talked about the elephant, turned on the light to make the shadow disappear. We let the shifting sands of time collapsed the house. The marks that are left will forever change me in bad and good ways. But I’m for ever changed for meeting them both.  When the time with that person is gone you cant get it back if you meet again its all new again for you both are different people. EMBRACE THAT DIFFERANCE.. Don’t try to make it what it was make it special all over again for the moment in time you both may share again…

Over draft protection

Day 27: Over draft protection: Ever known a person and think I just can deal with them to day. They over drawn on there friend ship account. We all have an emotional bank account. In a friendship, relationship or even the work place.  It works like this a smile 5 buck a hello how are things 20 bucks etc..  when you need it, its there and when your snarly this account pays out.  Well at some point the in and out need to match or you go in to the red… You cant constantly make withdrawals and not pay back. .   I have had my share on both sides of this.  My Best friend and I are so over drawn on each other that no mater what we do it just causes more over draft. . .  In the long run we hope,.. WELL I hope that the friend ship that is saved, one in which I hold more valuable than gold will prove worth the over draft and pain. In a relationship your are responsible for your actions and the wellbeing of you and your partner’s, this does not end.  If you and your Ex are better friends than lovers you are still responsible for your actions and in some ways them.. If they get sick or need a shoulder don’t be a Shit and say not my problem.  YOUR THERE FRIEND its your problem. If I end up a broken man in some cave some place I know there are 4 people that will look for me. In return there are 4 people I will do what ever it takes to help them. . I don’t date them or sleep with them. Its something deeper. There account is safe we have payments and withdrawals. .  how are your accounts looking with your friends?

“Our lives begin

“Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter.”
I have a friend every morning I get a text that says 2 words “morning sweetie” its funny because that’s what her notification also says its a sound bite from doctor who and its River Song saying just that….. I hate silence. In the Corp silence means problems. When your in the forest there are birds and things you listen for them when they are silent there are dangers around. . . When your in a relationship silence kills because the other person does not know what’s wrong.  We do it both ways. Sometimes we assume the silence is good because there is no issues. A calm see can hind a hungry shark, a rock just under the surface, or many other issues. . So talk a simple chat can uncover a vast wonder of bad issues or show you happy new ideas. Talking is ok. There are rules. 1) you cant use it against the person later ( I have a problem with this I’m learning ) 2) you let the other speak there thoughts with out you making it about you or adding your thoughts to theirs. and 3) DO IT OFTEN.  Dinner, ice cream, after sex, during a commercial there are places in your day to just talk. .  Being quiet is not silence, I have a friend if he says 20 words its has more meaning than the 300 you just read here.  We need to understand our partner. Try this “How was your day?……”


Dragon and Raina

I CALL BULLSHIT: This is what happens when you try to make a very thin excuse when you know you are doing something that annoys people.  Look own it.  You did it, very few things are apples to apples. and even fewer are a=b=c. So if you do something don’t say well I did not want to disturb you.  You did the same..  well I thought..

We all have issues the thing is if you have them fix them, we all need to work at becoming better people. No one is perfect… Perfection is only in one place, in the eyes of the beholder. In many ways the love of your life is perfect, this does not mean that they don’t have there own issues this means there issues are much smaller than the perfection you see.  When things change is when the issues become as big as the perfection you see. “There comes a time, ….., when the jewels cease to sparkle, when the gold loses its luster, when the throne room becomes a prison,……” ( movie Conan) Own your issues ” sorry ” does very little the 17th time is used being selfish is unattractive and when you close your self off from others you die a little. At the end of all this you have a body count of bad relationships, ex’s that number more than one hand and the feeling that you will always be alone. . .  Your right, you will be because you may have thought differently but your action say things much differently.
I am a rude, sarcastic, harsh, and in many ways unpleasant person. I own it and when I see it I try to change it. The 6 inches in front of your face its called life it’s what is important not the gifts a kiss in the morning a god your beautiful/handsome will go further than the new gift.