The View from the porch

Akiro: Why do you cry?

       Subotai: He is Conan, Cimmerian. He will not cry, so I cry for him.

Conan the Barbarian

I sit and think back. As my scales harden a  Mercury color for a Dragon of my line.  I think back with remorse, sadness, anger but also hope.  See all creatures are great in their own way but only one is perfectly imperfect here are some examples of what I mean:

Dragons cant master Gold or knowledge

Vampires cant master farming

Dwarfs cant master Writing

and Elves cant master Mining

But Humans can they live such very short lives.

Dragons thousands of years. Vampire till a stake finds their heart or sun shines on the ivory skin. Elves 1100 years. Dwarves 800 years. Most humans 80 years a nice round number some older some younger.  This short life makes them strive and find perfection. the perfectly imperfect.  I now see as the milky scales have dropped away from my eyes. I now see blues, greens, there is no shadow, no tint of discoloration.  I see how I have pushed people away.  Had them carry my burden for me.  I look in from the outside as someone dear to me smiles at some one else.  A Dragons tear rolls down over new scales.  The acid burns tender scales. The acid that is a Dragons tear leaving a mark forever on that side of my face.  My first new scar.  It’s fitting that this first scar for me is from a tear. See I have caused oh so many of them for others.

Every day is a new day. Is true, but as you know from reading my blogs ” all truth is relative pick one that works”.  I have to do it better than yesterday.  I will fail, some times BUT I will also succeed.  I have stepped back and looked at may things.  How I asked the same questions 168 times in 5 months.  How I asked “would you?” 125 times in 5 months.  I was wrong to do this.  I rip open healing wounds that still seeped poison left  from my teeth.  I asked  “would you” to some one that answered every time but again at great pain.  I am.   I was that much of a raging ball of arrogant asshole with no coating of charming. yes I’m very self-aware.  So today is a new day I have to bask in the sun let the wind harden my skin.  OH how they itch. but I must not scratch I want them to reflect like mirrors in the sun.  Concession has to be made in life this I always knew but never excepted.   I forgave many people over the last few day.  I asked forgives also.  I also forgave myself.

We all have a child inside of us.  This never changes. sometimes they need to be sent to their rooms.  I did this Raymond was mine he was 8 yo.  As I dragged him to his room. the last fit, the last throes of a tantrum in full swing.  One last call for “RAINA” slips from his tear filled eyes.  He stopped and looked for her.  In their  grand castle that was once their home.  All he saw was a ghost of his Raina the shadow of where she once stood before the Dragon let loose one last acid blast at her.  Leaving her shadow for ever etched on the wall. He sobbed in his sisters arms, a woman that he had finally allowed to love him.  In the way only a sister can.  For the Dragon had killed that which he and Raymond loved so much.  The Dragon had become a god in his mind.  The Dragon could do what ever he wanted with no repercussions.  As all eyes turned to etching on the wall.  A voice from some other plane can be heard by only the Dragon and Raymond.  I love you Dragon.  On scales long over do for shedding Raymond and the Dragon cried.  As Raymond went to his room.  He opened the Door and Said ” Airister ” The Dragon looked down “Yes Raymond do you need water or a snack?”  “No   Airister I need a Promise from you.   IF / When you are the Great Dragon you can be…” ” yes Raymond” a sad Dragon growls.  ” if / when you are Given a 2nd change with that one true love..” ” yes Raymond I know.” ” NO YOU DONT KNOW SCREAMED” Raymond ” for if you know that etching would not be there.  OUR Raina would not be a smudge on the wall.  IF and WHEN that time comes Dragon.  Don’t mess it up for No door or lock will keep you from the hell and pain you will receive. “

So he I sit as they harden a promise to a frightened and lost little boy also to his Raina.  I will be great not a god or something that is grandiose. But Of what I am A Dragon will never be perfect but will be worthy.

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Ashes to ashes

Every man is born as many men and dies as a single one – Martin Heidegger

Its September 27th 2015 – Its my sad obligation to tell the world of a death that the world never knew about.   As the lines above state we are all born as many men.  What we do in that life is the path that makes us who and what we are.  Today at 8:30 eastern time a Super blood moon will rise and it will have an eclipse.  This marks a change in a great many things. It also means that the path to who we were will be locked away and never more be able to be traveled.  We can go to the gate and look back but never again feel that kiss, that hug, that touch.  Yes that is like most days but this is different.  I’m content in my death.  For you see it is me that shale die.  I leave behind so many things.

1. Airister my dog, my buddy, my love, and my joy. My redemption.
2. My Raina she is the reason I breath, she can cut me and make me bleed and cure a broken heart with a touch
3. My British guide – She taught me to be human. That there are many things in this life you wont like every thing but you have to accept them.
4. The Paladin – he taught me honor and the need to seek forgiveness.
5. The dog of war – He will change the world one day at a time.
6. The Elf – she hates me calling her that
7. The Minx – She builds to keep the world out so you can heal.
8. and by no means least The mountain Ranger – Who like me will die this day.  He always had a sleeping roll and hot food.  I place to drink and a place to scream at the wind.

There is a passage in a book about the dark elf Drizzt Do’Urden ” What it means to be an elf  – every 100 years an elf’s life changes”  For humans it’s every 10 years the people we know and the places we go all change.  Well its the time for the person I was dies. The person I need to become is born.   There is a woman out I have hurt and can never make amends too. I will die with that left unresolved that is my cross to bear.  What is born on the 28th will be a person with hopes and dreams.  A want to work, a want to love the Vampire that was so hurt before if there is a chance the paths will cross in a way that will allow this.  So I sit and type out my own epitaph in a manner a way to say good-bye, to tell people how I feel.  Dragon’s can sleep for years On the 28th its time to shake the sleep away, and to once more feel the heat of the sun. The kiss of a beautiful woman.  The smell of a fall day.  These are things I look forward to.  So this is good Bye I will go softly in to that good night.  For I now the 28th I will wake anew.  Ready to make The Vampire and the Brit proud.

Sometimes you watch it burn

“CASSIUS
For ever, and for ever, farewell, Brutus!
5.1.120 If we do meet again, we’ll smile indeed;
If not, ’tis true this parting was well made.

BRUTUS
Why, then, lead on. O, that a man might know
The end of this day’s business ere it come! ere before
But it sufficeth that the day will end,
5.1.125 And then the end is known. Come, ho! away! “

We stand on the edge of a super blood moon.  Now if you’re not pagan or a lunatic you care little for this heavenly happening.  My life as I have painted in these panels is a little influx at the moment.  I have no home of my own.  My dog lives with my best friend (former girl friend).  I have no job and at this point in my life $40 bucks to my name.  I talk to my best friend every day yesterday was a very good day.  I have come to accept   where we both are at this time in life.  She is with the man she loves.  I’m in country looking to rescue a prisoner that is me.  I want to say I’m sorry for all the pain I caused my best friend and her sister from another country.  They both have taken a lot from a very angry hurt and poisoned Dragon.  As this super blood moon is about to happen, many things have gone on. Now if it happened over time would not seem like much. When it happens all in a month then its time to take a moment and reflect.  I now sleep on a friends couch as others in my lives sleep in beds some of which at one point where mine.

I under stand as a pagan many truths. Some of which are hard lines and some of which take time to be proven.

1. Your Karma is how you treat people, Theirs is how they treat you.
2. All circles must be closed to move on.  The Ranger and the Crown’s. The Vampire and The Viking. The Dragon and the dark Ranger ( a search for one’s self)
3. There is a price for everything and you pay one way or another.
4. Karma pays you back 3 fold with good or ill.
5. In a relation ship you die a hero or become the villain IF you don’t take care of it.
6. You regret what you don’t do why more than what you did wrong.
7. Forgive your self like you want others to forgive you. You’re the biggest bully to your self. worse than any one can be on the outside.

I have done the Worst crime any one can do to another creature.  I have killed true love. I have made the dance and joy fade from the eyes of someone I love more than breathing, more than my own life.  For this there is no sentence that will atone for it. No hail Mary or our Fathers, candle lighting or 30 lashes with a cat-o-nine-tails.   So here we are.  the edge of an astrological change.  I’m at Number 7 kinda apropos 7 stages of grief.  On the 27th My best friend and I will burn letters we have written each other to release us form the pain we caused each other.  If I could have but a wish I would go back in time and change my ways to show her I love her.  But in truth I would wish for one thing and that wish would be for her not to hurt any more and to be Happy.

Thats the hardest tea to Swollow????

It’s an old joke.  But is it really.  There are books writing to what is reality.  What reality is for you is it for me.  Is the reality that we are all in a tube some place. All this is all just chemicals being put in to our brains.  Is the reality that some people hope through time and remember their past lives.  All of these are possible all being improbable.  At on point flight was not reality.  Crossing oceans was not a reality.  The reality I face is that the one woman I love I pushed away.  She intern resented things about me.  We just smiled till we could no longer smile.   She loves another. Good for her.  I finally admitted what I did and how I truly feel.  Took me 6 years and a morning fight but I got there.   7 years ago My wife had a heart attack.  She lived  After being thrown out 47 times on the 48th I left.  Reality was we did not love each other.  She then had a stroke.    this was too much reality for me so I called it a day.  Yes I checked out of life for 6 years.  I did not get an ID, Drivers license, or get a bank account.  I fell off the grid.  I’m not finding out there is life out there.  That’s the reality that I was a living dead man.  More burden than help and I was not ready to see it.  I did for others but never for me, I was not worthy of kindness.  My best friend and I dated for 6 years and I saved her from a living hell.  The night we broke up with tear filled eyes she said. “you gave me back my life now its time for me to give you yours back” I did not understand. Reality was I was in shock and not ready to see it.   I do know A person from my college days is in placement.  We are talking about starting to rejoin life.  I’m excited and scared all at the same time. Time to rejoin the living. Reality is this, I’m no longer dating my best friend. She is with some one else.  Does not mean that years from now we wont again.  It means Fate says its time for me to live again.  maybe if I do a good job I will get my reward in this life. But as we all know reality says Fates a fickle Mistress. so we will see.

yes… But

I have PTSD, Depression, and survivors guilt.. So yes I’m a mental horror show that few have ever dared to view up-close and personal.  It’s not that I want to relive the past I just can’t stop reliving the past.  If you have these issues you understand. If you don’t it sound oh so stupid.  I get it, I really do.  I tend to be harsh and unyielding.  I sometimes try to build some people up most times its works. Sometimes you run head long in to someone you love but they’re the ” yes . . . But….” person.   I have known many over my life, some see it after awhile some don’t.  They say the greatest most uplifting things then add that extra little bit to kick you back down.  Do they mean to.  Sometimes yes, sometimes no. It can be a charter trait, It is sometimes a learned response do to life and people.  Here is the rub at what point does your love for the person and the need not to get punched back down become unbalanced.  Just typing that sounds so wrong.  It’s like a Christopher Titus line. “hey can you call my phone so I can record it and play it back to show you how stupid you sound…”.    We love who we love, J.Geils Says it best ” you love her she loves some one else…”.  There are many things that I could but here for examples. that’s not fair of me.  All truth is relative pick one that works.  I say that a lot.  It fits this.  Their truth is that they don’t think its wrong to do it. Your truth is that its hurts.  If I love you, I love you. If I don’t, I don’t. If I hate you I wont piss on you if you’re on fire.  I still take calls from people who have tossed me from their life and now after a stroke they don’t remember all.  I wont talk to an Aunt because I have no use for her.  I’m Pagan and I have a love for some that will never change.  There are two out there that know this in spades.  I guess I write this so that maybe just maybe the universe will hear this.  Maybe just maybe it will in some way sway the cycle.  The vail it thin in the fall.  We see and feel things we don’t at any other time of the year. The dead can speak to us if you listen.  They leave notes and reminders. They can help the most at this time of year.  My best friend and I need to stop the knife dance.  The palming a blade as we hug each other.  We need to lift the other up with the love that is still there its has changed yes.  She will always be the love of my life. Will always hold my heart save in the chest that is of our memories. The saying its better to Love and lost then never to have loved at all.  Its crap. In many ways. In one way. I’m a much better person for loving her and touching true love than I could ever be with out that.  My Vampire Queen of the Ice castle,  the year and a day lasted 6 years 5 more than any one could hope. So I say thank you.   This is not the time for a Thank you. But…..

A poetic view

I have been told I paint people sometimes to be the worst people in the world.  I talk about what they have said or done. I take no poetic license.  None of my writings come with a warning “based on a true story” IE: a beautiful mind.  I have had the worst things said to me by people who love me.  So today I’m taking my blog and telling the world in a Poetic license about some of my friends:

The first is a British woman: She has the strength  not often seen.  She can be harsh, unyielding and out spoken. She is also kind and motherly she found me living in a garage and had me move in to her home and started my healing process.  She taught me a love of cooking, and how to bake cakes so she could put artwork on them.  Is never misses a morning sweetie.  She is always here with a hand up. She is now and will always Be…. Well that’s for me to call her not the world to know.

The Ranger : He speaks little and talks less.  He saw every thing has no open emotions and could stare down snake.  that’s what the world see’s what I see is a man in pain a man who misses his one true love.  He looks but done not find. He observes but does not see.  He has brains but uses them for his own means never to help out the unworthy.  I have seen him smile as the world crumbles and get misty over the a memory.  He will befriend someone who thinks they are the reason for someone’s misery. All he said was that is why pencils have  erasers.

Last but by no means least:  The Vampire Queen of the Ice castle.  She can walk by a person that is close to a deep depression and not say a word. Not offer a hand up or a hug.   That’s what is projected.  What is she like on the inside. She is a lost little girl. Soft and damaged. She has issues of trust and a heart that wants to love but she is a bad judge of people (my self included) She knelt down and lifted me up. She changed her life for the Dragon that is me. She change her life for me and in that moment she changed my life.  She taught me to be kind to be willing to talk to be open to the right person.  We are not together at this time but is many ways we are. We talk we text and that’s all one can ask for.  The path we had headed down was one of total carnage.  We both knew we had to end it was not the time for us. In the future who knows we are not there.  The kindest thing she ever said to me ” You gave me my life back, and now its time for me to give you back yours”  the Harshest thing was ” when we started  my world was you. then you Shattered my heart 3 times” She is now and always will be the love of my life. She can be harsh uncaring and can cut your heart out and watch you die.She can be the kindest and most giving woman. It’s because of me that the woman can be cold and calculating for that I’m sorry but she needed that side to survive with the heart that she has.  If I ever have the honor to be her world again I wont let her ever question what my motives are or if I love her.

I am the worst person ever

I am the worst person ever.  I have feelings, emotions, view points and Anger.  Yes anger is technical an emotion but someone with PTSD is so much more.   I am told often I hold people to standards that are unattainable.  It’s just not ex girls friends or people I have wronged.  It’s people who care about me and care how I grow and live.  The blogs and emails I write make people sick.  When people tell me things I take it as a definite not an if time allows.  I guess this is from the way I grew up and all the times I was told we could and never did.  As I got older I started to expects more from people never taking into account their life, their feeling, their time, In that case I’m as self-absorbed as I say some of my friends are.  I write, post and I understand that it’s my blog.  My own window to tell the world what is inside my head.  At some point I need to understand IF I want to get back what happiness I had I have to be a different person.  If that is the case it wont be what I had it’s what I will get.

” I wanna to go back, and do it all over again, but I can’t go back I know” Eddy money “go back”

I want to go back to Dec 2010. I want to go back to a day I saw my dream waft down an escalator at Macy’s.   I want to repair the cracks that happened.  But I know I can’t that heart is a dust that cant be rehydrated.  A new one is there it’s small but it’s there.  Why did I not hold my self to this standard. The standard I find I hold others to. because I’m that person. The person that hold others to standards God/dess cant attain.  But I’m learning.  Is that not what any person can do.  I need to hold my self to a standard.

The path to hell is paved……..

• 
• Its funny why when someone breaks a promise, the first thing they say when you ask them for something is I promise.  I have people around me that I love but I often feel they  just do not read.  Ok they read but they miss the point of the blog.    I read my blog the fat kid to some one…. they half heard what I said. Their reply was sorry but never said any thing about the blog.   I have a friend ask how they can make me more at ease with somethings. They say they under stand and will, then promptly say why they did not do it, or they find reasons why they could not get it done or just forget one hour after they say they will.  They try to make it up after they are reminded about their promise.  They make some last-ditch effort.  You know they forgot and you feel like you mean very little to them.  They say I had a lot on my mind, I just forgot, it was a busy day.  I have a list that I have had used on me.  How do you believe someone when they have a track record of this.  Does the statement I promise  mean so little.  I have promised to try to learn to fly.  To change my ways with hygiene, and life habits.  I hear how proud they are, but where is their side of the bargain.  As I write this I fear that I will lose someone very dear to me.  They keep hurting me.  They say they love me.  If you love me why do you hurt me.  It may seem small to you.  It may seem stupid to you.  To someone with mental issues. PTSD, Depression, they look forward to that time, that chat, that picture.  The sad part is when they don’t fill their side of a promise you wonder if you die would they care, would you be missed?  If you stopped calling, stopped texting, stopped emailing would they miss you?? In my heart I hope they would call but I don’t know and that is what is so sad.

I’m the fat kid

I’m the fat kid. You know that fat kid in school.  You know the one he tries to make friends but he’s the fat kid.  He does not ask any one out because well  he’s the fat kid..  I use to tip the scales at 340 lbs. I now weigh 273 pounds so I’m still kinda the fat kid.  The fat kid is lonely.  Because he’s the fat kid.  He does ok in school but that’s because no one calls him to go out.  The fat kid gets forgotten.  There are always legitimate reasons that the favor is never returned.  Most of the time is “Oh I forgot”” I got busy, but next time I will remember”.  You smile and say its ok.  You say its ok because you’re the fat kid.  You get use to people forgetting you or treating you badly.  You will let it go because….. Yes you’re the fat kid.. You hear things like ” I treat you badly because you will always come back” Some times you get “It wont happen again”.  You some times get so good at knowing what will happen, you say before they even say any thing ” I know you’re sorry.”  it sucks being the fat kid. .

You wont ask any one out.  In your head they will leave because you’re the fat kid.  You push them away because you don’t want them to get made fun of for knowing the fat kid.  You smile even when you’re crushed.  It’s ok you will get over it.  You have years of practice getting over it.  It’s something small to them but to you it’s the world.  But they will never under stand their not the fat kid…….

its 4:03 and I cant sleep

Yesterday was the day I knew would come.  The day the first picture was posted.  The picture of my best friend with someone else, it sucked but I lived.  There was no earth shattering, violent, heart stopping moment. It was a moment in time. A moment that was going to happen.  The earth still continued to rotate, the sky did not turn as blood, the seas did not boil and the sun still shone from the heavens.  It was a moment in time.

Like so many, many times it happens.  You have an idea in your head on how it will be, how it will affect you and it just is not so.  Does that mean I did not love her? Does that mean I was wrong with my feelings? Does that mean…… I could ask this same question ten thousand way but to what end.  Another way to self harm? a way to beat my self up?, away to bully my self?.   She loves some one else, it happens. She is still my best friend, some one I can talk to, some one I laugh with, some one that wont run away.

When I sat down to write this I had an idea where this would go……..  It never made it to where I had wanted it to.  I guess its fitting because in life its the same way.  We have a grand plan on how we want things, what we want, who we want to be with.  Well boys and girls guess what, life never really works out that way.  You can have that middle class life with “the home the fence, the 2 cats and a dog and life use to be so hard….” Sorry there is that  AM music station again.  Karma, life, reality, call it what you will it goes on.  My best friend and I attached in away that can not be put in to words yet I still try.   At this point in time she is with someone else.  In the grand scheme of life no one knows what will be, or what could be again.  We remember and see what was. Some will read this and think “where did he go off the rails with this?”.  Some will think “wow this was deep!!”.  Finally some with think ” he needs some Fucking Sleep”  I believe in very few things.  I believe that sometimes shit just happens.  I believe that some times avoiding getting hurt in the past makes it worse in the future.  I believe that some times you need to step away from a relationship ( change its dynamics for a while ) so that you can understand what needs to be adjusted, fix and / or changed.  I still believe in every life a little Raina must fall from the heavens.