its 4:03 and I cant sleep

its 403

Yesterday was the day I knew would come.  The day the first picture was posted.  The picture of my best friend with someone else, it sucked but I lived.  There was no earth shattering, violent, heart stopping moment. It was a moment in time. A moment that was going to happen.  The earth still continued to rotate, the sky did not turn as blood, the seas did not boil and the sun still shone from the heavens.  It was a moment in time.

Like so many, many times it happens.  You have an idea in your head on how it will be, how it will affect you and it just is not so.  Does that mean I did not love her? Does that mean I was wrong with my feelings? Does that mean…… I could ask this same question ten thousand way but to what end.  Another way to self harm? a way to beat my self up?, away to bully my self?.   She loves some one else, it happens. She is still my best friend, some one I can talk to, some one I laugh with, some one that wont run away.

When I sat down to write this I had an idea where this would go……..  It never made it to where I had wanted it to.  I guess its fitting because in life its the same way.  We have a grand plan on how we want things, what we want, who we want to be with.  Well boys and girls guess what, life never really works out that way.  You can have that middle class life with “the home the fence, the 2 cats and a dog and life use to be so hard….” Sorry there is that  AM music station again.  Karma, life, reality, call it what you will it goes on.  My best friend and I attached in away that can not be put in to words yet I still try.   At this point in time she is with someone else.  In the grand scheme of life no one knows what will be, or what could be again.  We remember and see what was. Some will read this and think “where did he go off the rails with this?”.  Some will think “wow this was deep!!”.  Finally some with think ” he needs some Fucking Sleep”  I believe in very few things.  I believe that sometimes shit just happens.  I believe that some times avoiding getting hurt in the past makes it worse in the future.  I believe that some times you need to step away from a relationship ( change its dynamics for a while ) so that you can understand what needs to be adjusted, fix and / or changed.  I still believe in every life a little Raina must fall from the heavens.