The View from the porch

Akiro: Why do you cry?

       Subotai: He is Conan, Cimmerian. He will not cry, so I cry for him.

Conan the Barbarian

I sit and think back. As my scales harden a  Mercury color for a Dragon of my line.  I think back with remorse, sadness, anger but also hope.  See all creatures are great in their own way but only one is perfectly imperfect here are some examples of what I mean:

Dragons cant master Gold or knowledge

Vampires cant master farming

Dwarfs cant master Writing

and Elves cant master Mining

But Humans can they live such very short lives.

Dragons thousands of years. Vampire till a stake finds their heart or sun shines on the ivory skin. Elves 1100 years. Dwarves 800 years. Most humans 80 years a nice round number some older some younger.  This short life makes them strive and find perfection. the perfectly imperfect.  I now see as the milky scales have dropped away from my eyes. I now see blues, greens, there is no shadow, no tint of discoloration.  I see how I have pushed people away.  Had them carry my burden for me.  I look in from the outside as someone dear to me smiles at some one else.  A Dragons tear rolls down over new scales.  The acid burns tender scales. The acid that is a Dragons tear leaving a mark forever on that side of my face.  My first new scar.  It’s fitting that this first scar for me is from a tear. See I have caused oh so many of them for others.

Every day is a new day. Is true, but as you know from reading my blogs ” all truth is relative pick one that works”.  I have to do it better than yesterday.  I will fail, some times BUT I will also succeed.  I have stepped back and looked at may things.  How I asked the same questions 168 times in 5 months.  How I asked “would you?” 125 times in 5 months.  I was wrong to do this.  I rip open healing wounds that still seeped poison left  from my teeth.  I asked  “would you” to some one that answered every time but again at great pain.  I am.   I was that much of a raging ball of arrogant asshole with no coating of charming. yes I’m very self-aware.  So today is a new day I have to bask in the sun let the wind harden my skin.  OH how they itch. but I must not scratch I want them to reflect like mirrors in the sun.  Concession has to be made in life this I always knew but never excepted.   I forgave many people over the last few day.  I asked forgives also.  I also forgave myself.

We all have a child inside of us.  This never changes. sometimes they need to be sent to their rooms.  I did this Raymond was mine he was 8 yo.  As I dragged him to his room. the last fit, the last throes of a tantrum in full swing.  One last call for “RAINA” slips from his tear filled eyes.  He stopped and looked for her.  In their  grand castle that was once their home.  All he saw was a ghost of his Raina the shadow of where she once stood before the Dragon let loose one last acid blast at her.  Leaving her shadow for ever etched on the wall. He sobbed in his sisters arms, a woman that he had finally allowed to love him.  In the way only a sister can.  For the Dragon had killed that which he and Raymond loved so much.  The Dragon had become a god in his mind.  The Dragon could do what ever he wanted with no repercussions.  As all eyes turned to etching on the wall.  A voice from some other plane can be heard by only the Dragon and Raymond.  I love you Dragon.  On scales long over do for shedding Raymond and the Dragon cried.  As Raymond went to his room.  He opened the Door and Said ” Airister ” The Dragon looked down “Yes Raymond do you need water or a snack?”  “No   Airister I need a Promise from you.   IF / When you are the Great Dragon you can be…” ” yes Raymond” a sad Dragon growls.  ” if / when you are Given a 2nd change with that one true love..” ” yes Raymond I know.” ” NO YOU DONT KNOW SCREAMED” Raymond ” for if you know that etching would not be there.  OUR Raina would not be a smudge on the wall.  IF and WHEN that time comes Dragon.  Don’t mess it up for No door or lock will keep you from the hell and pain you will receive. “

So he I sit as they harden a promise to a frightened and lost little boy also to his Raina.  I will be great not a god or something that is grandiose. But Of what I am A Dragon will never be perfect but will be worthy.