A new wind is blowing

A silent scream

“It is better to be violent, if there is violence in our hearts, than to put on the cloak of non-violence to cover impotence.”
– Mahatma Gandhi

Have you ever seen a person do a silent scream.   Its gut twisting, scary, sad, and hopeless all rolled in to one neat little silence.  I scream ever day a silent scream because no one is here. Today it slipped out. I screamed as my friend watched helpless.  I screamed I wanted to go home to be someplace I could not go.  Funny thing I have 3 homes and NONE of them I can go to.  So my silent scream was heard. I have seen a silent scream.  How can you see a silent scream?.  Some one I was very close with has a stroke and could no longer cry.  But left was the actions not the sound the stroke had taken that…  I fear very little Death is not a fear its a want of mine but that is for a different story.  My fear is to be trapped in my mind unable to speak or write, to communicate.  That is my true fear. to be the living dead to be seen and pitied.   I lost a love that was so deep so pure that it was magical.  I pushed her away because of self hate.  I wanted her to go and save her self from what I was becoming.  She did.  The day it ended I was numb.  As time has passed I see what it was and have promised her to lock it a way, the pain.  Stop looking for the man on the grassy knoll.  Stop looking for reasons to hurt myself and is some cases her.   This is my release of the bad mojo, this last bit of poison that has tainted my heart.  I’m giving up the last 10%.  I not longer fight with guns, swords, knives.  For I have learned that words cut so much cleaner and deeper and leave wounds that fester worse than any poison.   They also can heal and mend.  this is my new path to heal and to mend..  I have one wish to die in the arms of my best friend. So when I close my eyes here I will have that vision to carry me home.  To rolling hills of wheat, apple trees and grapes.   I had silent scream and some one was here to hear it.  So to the universe I write these words out.  I will no longer look to use the past for pain.  I will enjoy the silly things we did.  The concerts. The Fairs. The  fun that was and look forward.  To what futures may come.  20 years from now I will not be sad for what I did not do.  Because I now can and want to.