two roads meet…….. and i….

I feel like Tom Hanks in cast away.  Standing at the intersection of life with two options.  Yes, yes I know he had 4 miss the point much its a medifor please keep up.   I know I’m (inhales deep) cold, distant, angry, mean, harsh, self-absorbed and not easy to get to know.  Few I have let in and some I let in to push away and to cast out because I love them.  I have one friend who packs a lunch and bivouacs down with me.  He wont leave till I can be self sufficient.  It’s not always easy for him but he is there.  I’m alone and the voices are strong, of self-doubt, self loathing self hate.  Hey look I told you I’m self-absorbed.  I had true love and pushed it away.  So I start again and again and yes yet again.  Friends pick me up dust me off and send me out.  He looks down says ok get up.  I set up small goals.  I get out of bed to see if 2 people have sent a good morning.  Now I’m up can’t go back to bed.  Then its caffeine.  Ok mind is working.  Food most mornings.  Then 20 mins. of sun and a pipe,  mediation music plays to calm the mind.  Ok its noon day is fully underway.  time for study and weight training.  Then shower shave maybe dye my beard.   3 pm time to prep dinner.  6pm eat and then reflection.  All along messages from people to see how I’m.  Yes in some cases to see if I’m alive.  My day.   Weekends I’m alone every one has a date but me alone in the dark.  Cue the voices and the cave looms.  Some people here like my writing they say I have a talent.  I guess I do.  I always hated writing in school but here I am quill to paper, ok type to lap top.  I have stories I want to get out I have ideas that need to see the light of day.    eloquentparadise and kandicelisa like my work and kandicelisa has said she would help with ideas.   I guess I do have a talent I need direction.  I’m happy that my best friend is safe with her new love, away from the encroaching darkness I need to defeat if I’m to be me.  So here we are why did I pen this.  This piece of thoughts and medifors.  Because that’s why.  For now that is my answer in time I will see why this needed to come out for now.  It will set along with 55 other pieces of writing for you to read and leave comments.  I lost 75 lbs the love of my life all in a year.  She said it was time to set me free after I set her free from a hell.  I’m proud I could do that.  I thank her for making me SEE what I had become and what I need to do to heal.  There it is 500+ words of fragmented thoughts.  But they needed to be let out like a Pandora’s box.  All the evil is out but sitting with me is hope.  hope a small word but huge potential………. 

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