To push or to stand pat


I have mental illness.  I have depression, ptsd and Survivors Guilt.  Its a strain on all my relationships.  Friends, lovers and even family members that just don’t understand.   You cant slap a Band-Aid on a cut but your soul bleeds.  You can set a broken mind like you set a broken bone.  I have a poker coach Nick Whitehall and he has coached many poker players and has helped hundreds and hundreds of people with their game.   One of the things he teaches is to notice tendencies in people you play against but also tendencies you your self have in your game.  Funny I started to use this off table and started to notice things in my day to day life with my Illness.  I have this a few days that I sink in to this quiet.  I call it I cave up like Dragons do.  I leave the lights off and close out the world and on the 3rd day I want to scream and cry over what I have lost. Not what my come not that last night I took first place in a Poker tournament to win my way in to a bigger tournament.  That with time and study and coaching I have improved.  Now that I can watch the wsop or wpt and marvel at the moves and the plays that are made and understand why.  Nope just the bad beats the loves I have lost and the wanting to go home.  But this time is different I see the tendencies.  I see the pattern.  I guess I’m learning to think to see things differently its taken a long time but  the Gray, a Vampire and a woman I call Mum have finally started to sink in.  I’m a person with mental illness not a Mental illness with a person.