You Look Like My Next … Opportunity

I turned 49 years old this year. I never thought I would see it.  Child of the 80’s, service time, and living a lifestyle that would lead to jail or worse.  This year has been the hardest year to live through. 2015 saw the end of what was to be forever and the start of what it is now.  So for a year I healed in a way, going through the 7 stages of grief.

• Shock And Denial
• Pain and Guilt
• Anger
• Bargaining
• Depression ( this was around for 9 months and lingers)
• Testing and Reconstruction
• Acceptance

It’s been hard would be an understatement. {Thank you Gray for not allowing me to fail.} I started to read some of my post from when I started this blog.  It was like some one else had wrote them. In a way it was, for the person that wrote them is no more.  As the song says ” Yesterday’s gone.”  You have eyes that see where your going. Not where you have been.  I for months was like, ” If Only….” guess what! I cant fix it, learn and move forward.  In the USMC, there is a saying never pay twice for the real estate we have gained.  Meaning that the inches, feet, yards that we have gained we paid for in PTAD ( pain, torture, agony and in some cases death).  My room mate had to watch me for months.

He would watch me crumble rebuild repeat. Day in day out. Week in week out. Till one day the build and crumble was taking longer.  The foundation was starting to hold.  The old foundation was being replaced.

“….is like a foolish man who built his house on sand.”  Matthew 7:26 ( part)

With his help we have cleared away the sand, rubble and lose rocks.  We have hit bed rock ( insert Flintstones joke here).  I have been writing and getting my head clear.  I have been playing and learning poker.  2 styles and I’m starting to make a career of it.  Now any one that has any thing that  they want to say against this.  Please type it out nicely, and read it.  Proof for spelling, dictions and syntax.  Then save and keep for your self thank you.

I’m good and I have a natural feel for it.  Will I make millions? It does not matter.  I just need to make enough to play, eat, have a roof and some in the savings.  I know people that are slaves to the middle class.  I lived it with them, saw it eat at them. If I make Millions Woohoo.  Bugatti veyron super sport.  Don’t know the car, Google it .

The scariest thing is when you have to face your afraid to succeed.  It sounds stupid right!  I mean we all want to succeed right.  No see with success comes expectations,  standards, goals.  That’s scary.  You win the lotto your done.  Toss money in a bank, live in the nice home, wait for death. But to succeed means to keep trying.  Keep going become the greatest you possible.  Your not great!!  You have been fired a few times.  Have an ex wife, ex lovers both fails. in a movie I saw one time there is a scene that stuck with me:

” Quicksand..”

” You’re playing and you think everything is going fine. Then one thing goes wrong. And then another. And another. You try to fight back, but the harder you fight, the deeper you sink. Until you can’t move… you can’t breathe… because you’re in over your head. Like quicksand. “

Shane Falco: Movie ‘ The Replacements.’

That’s what happened to me.  Its part of PTSD which is not only for people that have seen war.  Its the 9/11 survivors. Cops, Doctors, Nurses, Families.  The list is long and most have a form of it.  I was called stupid by family members because I’m dyslexic.  Fat because I weight 92 pounds in 2nd grade. ‘Sped.’ In school because I had to get help learning.  Come to find out I have an IQ of 180 tested by the state of Massachusetts.

Then more labels get placed on you as you go through life.  Had my First wife say I was a complete and total disappointment to her.  I was under a doctors care.  Because  I would get in a car and drive and wonder how I got some place.  And she said that on more than one occasion.

Get over that. Then have a girl friend that nothing would ever work.  She would have an issue you would give her a way to fix it to a reply of.  But then there is this and 5 other things.  You fix them and low and behold there are 5 more.  One night she asked me why I stopped helping I said ” because no matter how often I help you fix it. You say “it wont work because.” After we had broken up I was her room mate till a place could open up for me.  Fixing her stairs I said  “What do you think?  Think it will work?”  To a reply of ” No “.  I had little to lose at this point. I snapped I said, ” just once it would be great if you thing some thing would not work you have an idea to what will..”

Now that being said She has come a long way.  She is still my best friend and one of my largest supporters.  She asked me to forgive my self and be great.  Yes I was touched.

So here we are, 49 years old.  The chains are off.  I have a plan to work and to work the plan.   If part of the plan fails.  So be it, I’m a former Marine have a back up plan because the Miss Fortune is a nasty bytch.  So here we go.  I’m breaking the chains that I have placed on me.  I have been forgiven.  and I’m forgiving my self.   I wont fly at first I have no doubt on that.  But I cant give up.  I want to be great.  Will the world know my name.  Nope.  Will my world of friends be proud of me.  I can hope.  Will I allow my self to succeed we will see.  Can I stop.  Nope.  I have to many people that see greatness.  Who am I to let them down.

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