NO ONE CAN MAKE YOU HAPPY UNTIL YOU DO THIS….

Hurry up before you go and get old
Hurry up before your blood runs cold
None of us were ever meant to stay
We’re all gonna find out one day

You see life’s too short to run it like a race
So it’s never gonna matter if you win first place
‘Cause we’re all the same

 Shinedown- Special

When you live your life for years with horrors form the past you start to grow cold.  When you join the military you are trained to end peoples lives.  You start to see targets not people.  You lose the humanity ( some do I’m one of them).  You start longing for the grave.  The silence, the end of the pain.  The release of memories because you make life a special kind of hell for you and people you touch.  Cops, Snipers, specially trained operators, and the ass in the grass Grunts.  All are damaged to a point.  They look at life differently because some start to have a hard time connecting to the living because they see so much bad.  The horrors of the underside of life.  It changes all of them.  Some never show it.  But its there the shine of there eyes are dulled and they may seam happy but if you look closely at their eyes they’re haunted.   The first time your in a fire fight you just react no time to be scared just fire back and HOLD your ground till you can’t.  Even then some wont leave they will stay so others can get out of the area.  If your one that gets out you take a head count and find out your one or two short.  You die a little inside.  You where just laughing with them 15 mins ago.  Eating chow with them.  Hearing their memories of that special some one they where retelling for the 30th time.  Them missing moms biscuits.   You remember their dreams for post combat.  How they have plan and dreams and families.  After awhile some remember that the people they terminated also had families.  And that YOU took them from their families.  You played god you ended their time here.  You had them throw off there mortal coils.  You now have that albatross around your neck.  You start to worry if your to damaged to be good for any one.  If they can take the nights you cant sleep.  The nights you ghost the house.  The times you get lost with a smell, a sound, a memory triggered by something unassuming.  All this goes through your head.   You worry that if you love them can they love you.  With all the repressed memories just waiting to show back up at the wrong times.  So you start to push them away you subconsciously or maybe consciously push them away.  You want them to stay but you just think your just to damaged.   I’m there now.  Do I let people in or keep them out.  I know the truth I should just let them decide.  Ya that is one thing I need to learn.  A friend of mine gave me a piece of advice. I asked them a question and they replied.  See that’s called my shit and you don’t need to be in my shit.  I wont get in to yours, you stay out of mine.  I’m learning  that.

Sometimes it’s not something that you can control, or put your finger on why you do it.  Sometimes it just is what it is.  In poker your always told to trust your gut.  Its that scratch in the back of your head, a feeling that something is wrong.  To be able to let someone in to your life.  You  need to trust your gut. To trust and allow your self the time to heal you.  No one can make someone else happy.  You need to allow your self the time to fix and love your self. If not then no one or nothing will make you truly happy.  Being happy with one’s self is the only way to be free enough to be happy with some one else.

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Knocked down 7 times get up 8 times

So the last week I had a medication change and it kicked my ass in more ways than one. See Vicodin was given to me for my pain. I have joint pain, sciatica, and migraines. so on any day 1 to all 3 can be present. The issue was the Vicodin made me mean and verbally abusive, caused me to have emotional out burst. Also would not let me sleep for days and another side effect that we wont go into. Lets just say I had no need for the little blue pill. So after asking my doctor several times to change my medications I had to basically screamed into the phone. CHANGE MY FUCKING MEDICATION. After that lovely chat he said OK steroids and Dilaudid, yes you read that right. So I was a little nervous about this new treatment. But I said ok and gave it a chance. IT BEAT MY ASS SO HARD I WAS LIKE WHAT THE FUCK. As the effects of 25 years on the Vicodin worked its way out and my head was finally clear it all came washing back. All the abusive I put my family through. The shit my son lived through. My former wife and my former girlfriend lived with. Sometimes I’m glad she found the strength to move on and be happy. I did push her away and she kept coming back till she didn’t. She is a very powerful woman. When I lived with other friends. there son Sammy he was 7 was there I was told that HE COULD NOT SEE THIS SIDE OF ME. So I keep most of it from him. I guess people see more in me than I do because when Mom and Dad went away on an adult vacation they asked me to watch him so I did.

As the title says knocked down 7 times get up 8 time. That does not mean you cant take a day or 3 to recover from the ass kicking you just got. It does mean that you have to get up in a reasonable amount of time. I called people said my apologies and started on a new path. I see what every one was telling me but my mind was closed till I finally said “When”. I HAVE HAD ENOUGH. The past week I have been in my apt ( the Dragon Cave ) and was ready to come out when a box arrived. It was from the former with all my small items I left there 3 years ago. it was time. Back on the floor and I crawled to my cave after life once more smacked me in the mouth. Yesterday I slept for 24 of 30 hours I was up only two times for three hours at a time. Today I got up and said ya I’m fucking done, time to stand the fuck up. So after I picked up my refill and walked the dog I planted the things that I have put off for over a week. Along with 2 trees its funny that there are two, almost like one for me and one for my brother as we both find are way home. I know there is someplace other than this. When I get there a very pale woman with a mean streak that would make most men say ya fuck that. Will be waiting to beat my ass. Not in a fun sexy way a way that I will drag my self in the house and need time to heal. No this is not abuse this is the way things are when your in a world that its harsh and beautiful all at once. There is no stern talking to there is only the sting of ritual combat. Its home and where I miss every day. My brother hopes he is there to watch. I know I was stupid in this life wasted gifts I was given in a hurry to get home. Lesson one knocked down 7 get up 8. Lesson 2 its not the destination its the Journey because a destination is only part of the whole journey. Lesson 3 Be kind and helpful don’t be used and taken advantage of. Lesson 4 She will wait because she knows I may wonder but I will always return to the darkly beautiful creature she is.

• • • LIFE TO BE CONTINUED