Let me tell you about an amazing woman. She has a style and grace all to her self. He has had a ruff life two men that abused her and she took it. I won’t writes about sins of others it’s not my place. I have PTSD and a few other Mental illness that I have stated in past blogs.
I also abused her. Never wanted to hear about her growing up and then when we would fight I would always teller her Shut the fuck up before the fight gets worse.
And with her style and grace she would inhale nod and turn quiet. I broke her heart 4 times and on the 4th there was nothing left. So she fell in love with a man that treated her with Kindness respect and caring I use to.
When we started she got all the Candy as she would call it and as time went on I got worse. To the point that she would not want to be near me when I was. To be honest, well most of the time she would try and I would wall.
But through all of that She stayed my friend she staid by my side as a friend. I recently had a ruff patch and she was there on the phone to say kind words and hold my hand.
A woman that had every right to say go fuck your self you bastard. Would take my calls and with the voice will care and love from the past let me talk and let me be with her at least in my mind as I closed my eyes and was back in the garden with the morning glories and the dogs running free. She took all my venom and spite but still cut out time for me when I needed her.
I wish I was smart enough to understand what I had when I was there. But maybe that was the lesson that I needed. I saved her once she saves me when ever I call. Her husband calls her an Angel. No she is more oh so much more…….
There is a tv remake of a 80’s & 90’s movie on fox called lethal weapons. there was a scene in the show that helps some people understand that time does not heal. Time is a man made thing so that not every thing happens now its a cataloging system so we know when to do what and when things will be:
From a tv show but on this day it fits
Riggs: You know, it’s not getting any easier. Time’s not helping.
Maureen: Why would it?
Riggs: ‘Cause everybody says that it does.
Maureen: People who say that don’t understand. Time is cruel. It punishes. I mean, we sentence people to time. I don’t know that it makes it any easier.
Riggs: Then what am I doing here?
Maureen: You’re looking for a way to make it hurt a little less. And in my experience, the only thing that helps is other people. Try connecting with the living.
October 10th is world mental health day.. if you did not know … You should, many suffer for mental illness I was lucky I have friends/family that under stand. I long to end the pain of this illness. I know my friends have paid for my illness. Some with broken heart some with hurt feelings but they never left me. Some had to break up with me to save them selves but still stayed close and helped me. Today is a day that we need to remember that not every one says I’m going to kill my self. They just do it. Wednesday is called buddy check day if you did time in the service…… I think it should just be a thing you never know what a call will do.
There’s an old saying at least once a year we should go someplace we have never been I did that this year and I found that sometimes home Is not always about a house not always a building it’s not always a tent or Van. sometimes home Just having something that you’re missing. That certain thing for me it’s my dog. I may never find my home no but I found what makes me feel at home and her name is Heidi.
Have you ever missed a place you have never seen. Love a woman you only see when you close your eyes or in a dream. I miss home. I have not seen home in a very long time. You may have already gathered that I don’t see like others see. There are many truths. All truths are relative pick one that works. No its not alternative facts. That is a rues that the smart people play on the stupid. If the word rues stumps you. Its a two step process. step one Google it. step two take your high school English department to court for a shit education. I hurt from morning to night to be home. To see a woman that most would call horrific. Tall, long black hair, long eye teeth, and skin white as death. Her touch as cold as the grave. But I miss her and pine for her gaze and touch. I have unfairly seen another in this image which was wrong on 2 folds. One, I missed loving a wonderful woman for her self. She has found a man that will put her first. Smart man. Two, Its wrong to place ideas of some one else onto someone else. So I here I sit marking time till I get to a place I want to be.
Breaking even the Scripts
I’m still alive but I’m barely breathing
Just prayin’ to a god that I don’t believe in
‘Cause I got time while she got freedom
‘Cause when a heart breaks no it don’t break even
Her best days will be some of my worst
She finally met a man that’s gonna put her first
While I’m wide awake she’s no trouble sleeping
‘Cause when a heart breaks no it don’t break even, even, no
What am I supposed to do when the best part of me was always you,
And what am I supposed to say when I’m all choked up and you’re OK
I’m falling to pieces, yeah,
I’m falling to pieces
They say bad things happen for a reason
But no wise words gonna stop the bleeding
‘Cause she’s moved on while I’m still grieving
And when a heart breaks no it don’t breakeven even, no
So I sit and hurt. Some say by choice some say its because I loved deeply. Ask the one here she would say I never loved any one or any thing. That may be on the extreme. And in truth she would have much more grace than to say any thing like that, most likely. So if you have “THAT ONE” hug them often. Kiss them, tell them you love them. because days go by slow years flyby. So I wait for the trip home. A cold touch a beautiful woman and a List of stuff to fix….
Never had to right a explanation to a post but it looks like I have to. It more longing and excepting that what was holding me here from going home is no longer doing it. She may have been my anchor to keep me from where i want to be. But she still has style, grace, love and kindness. She is my friend. I’m glad she has found her one. But i’m out of here and things have started to fix them selves. Poker is going better. I have a Job. I will have my own place and a dog. Not the one I miss but His Mom and sister are the best. So yes it read it again and understand what I’m saying is. Love peace and pizza grease. I’m going home.
My brother never changes. His form does, his job may, his looks and even some times his voice but he does not. He does not talk after a death he carries on. He will have a time to reflect and remember but he will move on quickly. After a War, death, long trip, its no questions its to bath and to sleep. To escape for a time form people and duties he has to perform. He in a senses is my Mycroft. The older Brother that has all the answers. The one that guides. I the Homes, a junkie that gets off figuring out the why. Why someone says hugs for the world to see, when they love someone else. A few times a year he leaves and I’m alone. It’s hard to start with but as each day happens to come and go I under stand me more. He is him, I am me. Him Superman for the world to see, Me batman the detective always trying to find the “why”.
That moment. There comes a moment when things just snap. Your whole perception changes. That happened today when my room mate was doing laundry and I was doing dishes and we both fit in the same spot. I’m no longer fat I’m large but not fat.
Now some will say ok so what. No matter how many times he tells me. No matter how close he parks and I still could get in the car. It did not hit me till just now.
I’m having a really bad day. It started when I got up. I started to do what I use to do on Sundays. Which was cook. In my old life Sundays would be cooking and yard day. I get up and start coffee and food. She would get up some time later. As we would eat breakfast I would have stock simmering or things cooking for the week or freezer.
That was then, over a year ago and today it hit me as I was making a Chili and started a chicken soup. I had just started and thought oh do I have storage for this. Then it started to creep in. Your alone, She is gone. Yes, yes she is. Married for a year to a man and she is happy as never before.
I’m glad for her I really am. It eats at me some. The words we all say. “I will never leave you behind.” “We can make it through any thing.” Time has a way of eroding the words, feelings, and meaning behind them. There was things we should have said, and did not. Things we should have done but did not. We should have been honest and open and we where not.
Some people are serial cheaters and cheating is as defined
- :to deprive of something valuable by the use of deceit or fraud
- :to influence or lead by deceit, trick, or artifice
- :to elude or thwart by or as if by outwitting cheat death
- :to practice fraud or trickery
- :to violate rules dishonestly cheat at cards cheating on a test
- :to be sexually unfaithful usually used with on was cheating on his wife
Emotional Cheating is Different:
- What is the definition of emotional infidelity? It’s an emotional connection with someone of the opposite sex that you keep a secret from your spouse, says Peggy Vaughan, author of The Monogamy Myth: A Personal Handbook for Recovering from Affairs. Basically, emotional affairs occur when one partner is channeling physical or emotional energy, time and attention into someone other than the person they are in a committed relationship with to the point that their partner feels neglected.
The issue is Its a drug. Love has the same effect. the pain the loss the issue is the same. What’s not the same is that you cant go to rehab for being addicted to some one or to a false love.
I want to go home. and this is the test I think. I’m going home ether way. Just I would like to go home with out the baggage I owe it to them both. Most of all I owe it to me. Me.. who is that ……