How Do You Live in the Moment in the Silence?

Ashes to ashes and dust to dust the reaper calls on all of us, return the smile. Take his hand. you’re on your way home and a friend has your hand.

A friend told me that I need to forgive my self for my past. I was like but I was the one that was abused. I was the one that got hurt. I was….. And there it was “I”. Not me. You will say well the use of “I” is proper when talking about ones self. Yes it is but “I” is also selfish it tunnels the scope of what the issue is. I did not say, ” I cant love you any more I love some one else”. I Did not say ” I treat you badly because I know you will keep coming back.”. I was not that one that would wait till I was off with my grand father, so I would not have to deal with the crying. I’m the one stuck with the pain and memories. I’m the one left with all the memories. Memories that a war movie could not put on film because it would get an X rating.

An ego and a superego walk into a bar.

The bartender says “I’ll have to see some id

My Brother never uses the word/letter I. Its the strangest thing. I think I’m finally understanding. There is no I there is only the event. I love my former girlfriend. No not in the lets get naked in the shower love. Love of two people that have been through hell and all we had was each other then. She said to me ” I was watching you die slowly on my couch. I love you to much to watch that. You need to go and get your life. You gave me mine back. Now it’s time to return the favor,”. We still talk I released her from all but one promise we made to each other. When I die she has to dress as the grim reaper and stand at my casket. Her reply is ” I’m going to be the Shortest Reaper ever.” my reply is ” I had a Short life”.

We all try to fix the past we all try to change what happen. I’m sorry may make the person saying it feel better but that is about it. We all have things we have done that we want to change. You can’t. I have said this many times. Time is human made it effects nothing. Crops don’t grow by humans timelines. Crops grow when its time you can force them but a green house tomato and a garden tomato taste different. I cant take back the words I have said to people. I cant change what shitty things I have done in my life. I can take each moment as it comes and as for the past. That moment is gone never to happen again. two hugs tomorrow does not make up for the one missed today. A missed date is an event that now MAY never happen because you missed the moment.

I’m scared to live. I’ve listened to all the people say. You are nothing and will be nothing you don’t have anything. But that’s wrong I’ve got this moment.

Many people follow this blog. I have said most of these things in others blogs. You see life is a puzzle, not every time you hear or read something does it fit the puzzle AT THAT MOMENT. One day, in one single moment it will fit and it will slide into place.

OH and the joke in the middle is not really a joke its what we all deal with every day. The ego and the superego make up you ID.

it make up who you are and if you don’t like who you are one of them or both need to change and that will change you ID. who-you- are.

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WE ARE BORN AND WE DIE IN THE MIDDLE IS CALLED LIFE…..

Ashes to ashes, Dust to dust the pain we feel follows all of us. Some pain moves on, Some pain Stay put. Some people get help, As some others get hurt. Some live long, some live short. All and all we all just hurt. some find their loves. others their mates. Some live happy, some tempt fate. At the end of the day, was it all for not? The end is the end by your hand’s or fates. So did we live to the end with anger, with hate. Or with hope and with love. There are no winners. There is no escape, You find out now you wish to escape. Hide if you will. In a house or a cave. The reaper will come and that is your fate. Death will smiles, Return it you should, Return it with glee for he smile for thee. He’s a friend in the end. To the rich or the poor. The sick, the infirmed. The saddest of all is that you wish you knew when. For if you did. Then the kisses would be deeper. the Hugs would be longer. The love would be deeper and the song would be longer. But alas we don’t, In the end all we cry. In the end we will lament. That the only friend left is the friend we want least. He’s still a friend as your time draws near. Cry loud, cry hard for you’re to blame, not death at all. He is doing his job. But you had not. your job was to live, and you had not. You see we all have one job. that’s all we got. Live life to the fullest but most do not. Remember the and remember this well. We know death must call. Ready or not, he will come to call, he will but point. so ask your self this. Did you do your job right. Did you live to the fullest did you live it right????

Knocked down 7 times get up 8 times

So the last week I had a medication change and it kicked my ass in more ways than one. See Vicodin was given to me for my pain. I have joint pain, sciatica, and migraines. so on any day 1 to all 3 can be present. The issue was the Vicodin made me mean and verbally abusive, caused me to have emotional out burst. Also would not let me sleep for days and another side effect that we wont go into. Lets just say I had no need for the little blue pill. So after asking my doctor several times to change my medications I had to basically screamed into the phone. CHANGE MY FUCKING MEDICATION. After that lovely chat he said OK steroids and Dilaudid, yes you read that right. So I was a little nervous about this new treatment. But I said ok and gave it a chance. IT BEAT MY ASS SO HARD I WAS LIKE WHAT THE FUCK. As the effects of 25 years on the Vicodin worked its way out and my head was finally clear it all came washing back. All the abusive I put my family through. The shit my son lived through. My former wife and my former girlfriend lived with. Sometimes I’m glad she found the strength to move on and be happy. I did push her away and she kept coming back till she didn’t. She is a very powerful woman. When I lived with other friends. there son Sammy he was 7 was there I was told that HE COULD NOT SEE THIS SIDE OF ME. So I keep most of it from him. I guess people see more in me than I do because when Mom and Dad went away on an adult vacation they asked me to watch him so I did.

As the title says knocked down 7 times get up 8 time. That does not mean you cant take a day or 3 to recover from the ass kicking you just got. It does mean that you have to get up in a reasonable amount of time. I called people said my apologies and started on a new path. I see what every one was telling me but my mind was closed till I finally said “When”. I HAVE HAD ENOUGH. The past week I have been in my apt ( the Dragon Cave ) and was ready to come out when a box arrived. It was from the former with all my small items I left there 3 years ago. it was time. Back on the floor and I crawled to my cave after life once more smacked me in the mouth. Yesterday I slept for 24 of 30 hours I was up only two times for three hours at a time. Today I got up and said ya I’m fucking done, time to stand the fuck up. So after I picked up my refill and walked the dog I planted the things that I have put off for over a week. Along with 2 trees its funny that there are two, almost like one for me and one for my brother as we both find are way home. I know there is someplace other than this. When I get there a very pale woman with a mean streak that would make most men say ya fuck that. Will be waiting to beat my ass. Not in a fun sexy way a way that I will drag my self in the house and need time to heal. No this is not abuse this is the way things are when your in a world that its harsh and beautiful all at once. There is no stern talking to there is only the sting of ritual combat. Its home and where I miss every day. My brother hopes he is there to watch. I know I was stupid in this life wasted gifts I was given in a hurry to get home. Lesson one knocked down 7 get up 8. Lesson 2 its not the destination its the Journey because a destination is only part of the whole journey. Lesson 3 Be kind and helpful don’t be used and taken advantage of. Lesson 4 She will wait because she knows I may wonder but I will always return to the darkly beautiful creature she is.

• • • LIFE TO BE CONTINUED

Finger prints we leave

 

“Taking You Own Life. Interesting Expression — Taking It From Who? Once It’s Over, It’s Not You Who’ll Miss It. Your Own Death Is Something That Happens To Everybody Else. Your Life Is Not Your Own. Keep Your Hands Off It.”

What you take with you…..

Ashes to ashes and dust to dust. The crap you surround your self with cant come. Its stuff that’s all it is. It may be nice to look at, but when you die its just junk. The coins, the china, the pictures. They put you in a little box. Most times cover you up with dirt and rocks. Maybe a bar B Q. then you are ashes that can be thrown to a strong wind. That is of course is if you’re in a state that will let your biodegradable ash be tossed to the winds.

The crap we have every piece of it is a weapon. My best friend after giving me a tablet for Christmas. She threaten to return it because she was mad. When me and my last girl friend ended I could not take the gym I asked for because I did not show enough gratitude.

You work hard for the house the yard the 2 maybe 3 dogs and for what. When your gone your not taking it with you. Death does not pull up to your door with a truck and say ” pick out 10 items “. nope you drop and the 22 grams leaves your body and your dead. Your body now a home for flies and worms. The essence that what was you is gone. The meat that is laying on the floor is what was. Now that pile of muscle bone and chemicals that will break it down is set free.

So your body is there surrounded buy all the things that YOU had to have to make you happy. OR you get divorced or break up or just end. Now each item is a weapon to use to inflict maximum pain. The hurt, the that’s mine. You can have the pictures, the minutia, the petty bullshit. All that we will do is just toss aside or place on some forgotten shelf because be cant look at it because its THEIRS. When we die the kids go to the survivor. when we end the kids are just MORE WEAPONS. Its a fucking arms race.

You want it take it. Hope you enjoy all the memories that goes with it. The art I want I will take with me its on my body. The only worldly things that I cant are my furries. Heidi, Airi, Lucy ( both with their mom). BUT as for the rest of this bullshit. A ring, a neckless, the picture at a birthday party or at a fancy dinner. this will not being taken when the 22 grams that is you leaves……

People will think that this is a woh woh is me but in truth. I’m free. A car gets me places ok and when I die it will get some one else from place to place. But as for me.

Enjoy those windows that cost you so much. Enjoy the fence you paid 2x as much for in interest. Enjoy all the trappings that “Stuff holds”

King Osric: There comes a time, thief, when the jewels cease to sparkle, when the gold loses its luster, when the throne room becomes a prison, and all that is left is a father’s love for his child.

Conan, Movie

That’s all stuff is a prison a mountain of crap that you think more of, then what’s out side your front door. Life is the living things around you. Not the stuff you pick up on vacation. Pictures fade. People are forgotten. When the end comes your stuff stays and you GO.

Fair is a place they judge farm Animals………no place else is fair

I have my medical pot license. I buy the candies they last longer. I sometimes pet my dog who is under a year old. I cry because its one of the last times I will pet her till the last time. that’s one thing PTSD and Depression take away. It takes the good days. It takes the fun ugly days. Like changing clothes in the parking lot of Hershey park. No you see the Sad the end the this is one of the last times. On Dr Who they had this saying Every Christmas is last Christmas. Ptsd and depression take the happy and now away.

Sativa is said to make people giggle and feel euphoric. I will feel numb and even cry. So I lost the joy, the Giggle, the stupid funny. So the past 2 day I have lived on Sativa candy and Energy Drinks. Yes normal for a 50 your old man. So today I upped the dose of Sativa. What did I find. I found the edge. That place where the talk is not where is the funions to “dude what’s it all mean any way”. This was not my intent but some of the worlds best discovery’s came from, ” Oh ya, Here hold this…”. Thus we have what we have so ya its all hitting me now and ya. So we now know where the deep end of the pool is. Its not fair I have depression the ptsd that was a side effect. But here we are stoned like a biblical whore. Still feeling sad and numb. Its a victory now I have numb not pain. See a step up and all I had to do was hit the candy. The whispers are a sleep, the demons are away. There is only numb. I had to thing slam me in the chest this week. I woman I use to say mean things to and treated poorly said I was a good man just broken. My Brother saying he is proud of me for fighting my Depression. Both I hear other say, but I don’t see it. I see the sad the this is one less time I will do this… Yes its life and no one gets out a live. There is not one Hurst with a luggage rack. So its not Fair. But at least one thing that we cling to…HOPE…..

It hurts today

Then you get the question. What hurts? Is it your back? your leg? a migraine? what hurts? And the answer is I do my mind hurts. Its hurt for a long time. I have a friend that calls me uncle Frank ( Frank Castle AKA the Punisher) My First wife called me House from the TV show. My Son called me Dragon. A third Watched NCIS and looked at me and said ya Leroy Jethro Gibbs fits you. She said I lived on lack of sleep, caffeine, Anger. She was right. So for 45 years I have suffered the slings and arrow. The comments, the memories and the deaths all the people that die and I don’t know how to morn. Every thing dies flowers, pets, people, relationships. The list is long and it all hurts. But when your are so use to eating it and living off the pain you for get the little things. The wonder in a childes eyes. The touch of a hand on the side of your face, that takes all the pain away for a short time. The feeling of a Hug. The morning kiss. You miss the sparkle in the person that loves you. Till its no longer there and you go through the motions of a relationship. You do things to hurt people to keep them a way. In an argument you hit ones to back them off after that any shit they ever did is open to use. Yes I fight dirty. I survive. There in lies the issue. I have lived to long, I have out lived my capacity to take any more. so now I’m on a wait list for mental help, insurance I have none it was $22 bucks for insurance a week or $22 bucks for food. Food won. So here I sit. I take the dog for a walk when its not 3 degrees. I have no coats that fit I put on 30 pounds from the not giving a fuck that has taken over. I have Heidi (my dog) she tries to get me out of the hole but she can only do so much. This week another week of waiting. So I sit in this pain. I can feel it flow out of my hands like Icker, (an oozing darkness you don’t want to touch people because you may infect them.) I have broken hearts and hurt people verbally on purpose. Just so they would leave so I could not infect them. So I hurt today, the pain meds work for a short time. The medical marijuana helps but its a band aid on a chest wound. I have more pain ahead. when I’m off the waiting list and I start to dig out this closet full of bullshit I have stored. So today is just one more day of pain. Yes pain ends it may hurt for an Hour, a Day, A year. but When your in the middle of the pain to you it will never end. So one more day of pain. Looking at things that needing done and saying fuck that. I do what I have to for my Treatment but that’s all I got energy for. Well Feeding Heidi I have time for that. So is the light at the end of the cave. Is it a train, Death, or Sun light. I have no fucking idea I just know at this moment I hurt…

HG WELLS the time Machine

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Have you ever had something happen that makes you see things in a different light.   I finally reached out for help with my ptsd .   I’m getting a councilor.  The voices kept got louder,  the Yelling “DO it, end it,  Get it over with…” was them saying ask for help, and get rid of the pain.

There was an amazing woman that a hug took all my pain away. It scared me because all I was, was pain.   I thought that if the pain was gone I would be nothing……….

• What if I was nothing,

what if this is true?

What if I was nothing, girl,

nothing without you

So what if I was angry,

what did you think I’d do?

I told you that I love you ……..

• • “What If I Was Nothing” – All That Remains

HG Wells made a time device that could go forward and back in time.

What if you could go back in time.  Change what happened, change the anger, the fights.

YOUR fear and show her what was the real reason you pulled back.  And you could fix the love that was there.  You could have what you lost.

Now you Look at her Facebook.  See the love in her eyes that she has with her new husband.  The smile as she is on a boat crossing a lake on summer vacation with a look of joy and happiness.  Fate gave them a second chance at love.

Do you still go back and fix it? . . . .

As the Disturbed’s version of  “the sounds of silence” echoes in your head.

You want to know what unconditional love is. . . .  Its not getting in the one thing that could make YOUR life happy.

Because true love is not about your wants,  its about theirs.   The us is only a part of it.   When you’re truly in love with some one.   Your life means little their life is what matters.  Because it should be the same for them and thus gives balance.

I love some one that way.  Her happiness means more to me that all the gems, jewels, gold, or money in the world.

She is not here.  one day I will hold her pale hand, brush the long black hair away from her face.  I will kiss the Painted red lips and see a smiles that has 4 teeth that are very long and are very sharp.

So no I don’t go back and fix it.  See you can love more than one persons unconditionally.  This fallacy that you can only love one person is crap. A family with 4 aunts, 5 uncles, 3 bothers, 5 sisters, and your parents and your grand parents.  You can only love one of them really.  Some book, ONE person ideals being used as happiness templet.  People are morons.  They are reactionary, dangerous, heard animals.  That will make fun of others.  Hurt even.  Even murder others because of color of their skin, clothing, What book of religious persuasion.

So the pain, the hurt, the loss, I feel is mine.  Its not for me to share, that’s called love.   Not the groveling of “oh take me back.”  Love is a chemical reaction that happens. If you are numb to some ones affections nothing will rekindle  that love that went cold.  You can only hope that a new love will start between you both again.

A heart is made of glass, it break you can fix it but there is a crack in it and it will never fully heal.  All you can do is hope that a new love will grow.

So no I don’t go back to fix what happened.  because I love her.  She is happy, in love, has a great life so my wants are meaningless.

This is healing.  This is understanding.  This is moving on.

Lets make it Buddy check any day

October 10th is world mental health day.. if you did not know … You should, many suffer for mental illness I was lucky I have friends/family that under stand. I long to end the pain of this illness. I know my friends have paid for my illness. Some with broken heart some with hurt feelings but they never left me. Some had to break up with me to save them selves but still stayed close and helped me. Today is a day that we need to remember that not every one says I’m going to kill my self. They just do it. Wednesday is called buddy check day if you did time in the service…… I think it should just be a thing you never know what a call will do.

The first 50 years

Its funny I have lived 25 years longer than I thought I would. I’m a Teen of the 80’s to much coke, pot and Gallons of alcohol. I have driven when I was far to drunk to drive. Played football with the worst hangover ever. In the core I did things that have left many marks. As the first 50 years draws to a close I see the mistakes I have made. The list is long and very

and prestigious.

July 1st I move in to an apartment that is mine. I set back and for the first time I have stopped and looked around and this is what I have seen.

In August a young lady I call sugar britches is getting married. She has had a faults start before but this time its real. Its strong. I hope to get the time off to see the wedding. Her mother is very proud of her and happy.

I have a son. He has 2 great kids and has taken the weight of the world on his shoulders. He is married with 2 kids and has his sick mother living with him. With style and grace he walks 2 miles to and from work. He makes me proud.

In October I’m going to West Virginia to hang out with Sammy, so His mom and dad can get time away. I swore I would never go. “Never say never again.” sounds like a James Bond title. But I have the time off request in and we will see how it goes.

I sit with my brother around the grill eating, drinking and smoking cigars. For the first time in many years his eyes are not haunted there is an ease to his gate and a real laugh escapes every now and then. I just hope one day I can help him as much as he has helped me.

Do I have regrets yes. BUT. Some times in life the saddest truth is that the people we love we cant be with because its not good for us. We will call her she knows who she is. I saved her from a bad relationship, helped her get a new job and helped to start getting her house fixed up. I miss her every day but she is my 2nd drug of choice. My love for Opium is stronger. She even said it on more than one occasion , ” you think more of your damn Meds than you do me.” I freed her so she can now be with a man that loves her and she loves him so I did good.

I know I have helped people. Some times to the detriment of my self. As for the woman i love ” I was not the hero you wanted I was the Dragon you needed.” So I set back and see all the lives I have touched for good and ill. I hope that I have a balanced sheet if not then I will try to make amends. I’m not in a rush to go home any more I’m learning that sometimes, most times, ok all the time it comes when it is to come not a moment before.

Karma will pay some people back for things they have done. I think I have settled up with Mistress Karma. Others, …. well the bill always comes due. I know I will be there when it does to give a hand up. Just this time the words, “I told you so.” wont be on my lips or in my heart..