Have you ever missed a place you have never seen. Love a woman you only see when you close your eyes or in a dream. I miss home. I have not seen home in a very long time. You may have already gathered that I don’t see like others see. There are many truths. All truths are relative pick one that works. No its not alternative facts. That is a rues that the smart people play on the stupid. If the word rues stumps you. Its a two step process. step one Google it. step two take your high school English department to court for a shit education. I hurt from morning to night to be home. To see a woman that most would call horrific. Tall, long black hair, long eye teeth, and skin white as death. Her touch as cold as the grave. But I miss her and pine for her gaze and touch. I have unfairly seen another in this image which was wrong on 2 folds. One, I missed loving a wonderful woman for her self. She has found a man that will put her first. Smart man. Two, Its wrong to place ideas of some one else onto someone else. So I here I sit marking time till I get to a place I want to be.
Breaking even the Scripts
I’m still alive but I’m barely breathing
Just prayin’ to a god that I don’t believe in
‘Cause I got time while she got freedom
‘Cause when a heart breaks no it don’t break even
Her best days will be some of my worst
She finally met a man that’s gonna put her first
While I’m wide awake she’s no trouble sleeping
‘Cause when a heart breaks no it don’t break even, even, no
What am I supposed to do when the best part of me was always you,
And what am I supposed to say when I’m all choked up and you’re OK
I’m falling to pieces, yeah,
I’m falling to pieces
They say bad things happen for a reason
But no wise words gonna stop the bleeding
‘Cause she’s moved on while I’m still grieving
And when a heart breaks no it don’t breakeven even, no
So I sit and hurt. Some say by choice some say its because I loved deeply. Ask the one here she would say I never loved any one or any thing. That may be on the extreme. And in truth she would have much more grace than to say any thing like that, most likely. So if you have “THAT ONE” hug them often. Kiss them, tell them you love them. because days go by slow years flyby. So I wait for the trip home. A cold touch a beautiful woman and a List of stuff to fix….
Never had to right a explanation to a post but it looks like I have to. It more longing and excepting that what was holding me here from going home is no longer doing it. She may have been my anchor to keep me from where i want to be. But she still has style, grace, love and kindness. She is my friend. I’m glad she has found her one. But i’m out of here and things have started to fix them selves. Poker is going better. I have a Job. I will have my own place and a dog. Not the one I miss but His Mom and sister are the best. So yes it read it again and understand what I’m saying is. Love peace and pizza grease. I’m going home.
My brother never changes. His form does, his job may, his looks and even some times his voice but he does not. He does not talk after a death he carries on. He will have a time to reflect and remember but he will move on quickly. After a War, death, long trip, its no questions its to bath and to sleep. To escape for a time form people and duties he has to perform. He in a senses is my Mycroft. The older Brother that has all the answers. The one that guides. I the Homes, a junkie that gets off figuring out the why. Why someone says hugs for the world to see, when they love someone else. A few times a year he leaves and I’m alone. It’s hard to start with but as each day happens to come and go I under stand me more. He is him, I am me. Him Superman for the world to see, Me batman the detective always trying to find the “why”.
That moment. There comes a moment when things just snap. Your whole perception changes. That happened today when my room mate was doing laundry and I was doing dishes and we both fit in the same spot. I’m no longer fat I’m large but not fat.
Now some will say ok so what. No matter how many times he tells me. No matter how close he parks and I still could get in the car. It did not hit me till just now.
I’m having a really bad day. It started when I got up. I started to do what I use to do on Sundays. Which was cook. In my old life Sundays would be cooking and yard day. I get up and start coffee and food. She would get up some time later. As we would eat breakfast I would have stock simmering or things cooking for the week or freezer.
That was then, over a year ago and today it hit me as I was making a Chili and started a chicken soup. I had just started and thought oh do I have storage for this. Then it started to creep in. Your alone, She is gone. Yes, yes she is. Married for a year to a man and she is happy as never before.
I’m glad for her I really am. It eats at me some. The words we all say. “I will never leave you behind.” “We can make it through any thing.” Time has a way of eroding the words, feelings, and meaning behind them. There was things we should have said, and did not. Things we should have done but did not. We should have been honest and open and we where not.
Some people are serial cheaters and cheating is as defined
- :to deprive of something valuable by the use of deceit or fraud
- :to influence or lead by deceit, trick, or artifice
- :to elude or thwart by or as if by outwitting cheat death
- :to practice fraud or trickery
- :to violate rules dishonestly cheat at cards cheating on a test
- :to be sexually unfaithful usually used with on was cheating on his wife
Emotional Cheating is Different:
- What is the definition of emotional infidelity? It’s an emotional connection with someone of the opposite sex that you keep a secret from your spouse, says Peggy Vaughan, author of The Monogamy Myth: A Personal Handbook for Recovering from Affairs. Basically, emotional affairs occur when one partner is channeling physical or emotional energy, time and attention into someone other than the person they are in a committed relationship with to the point that their partner feels neglected.
The issue is Its a drug. Love has the same effect. the pain the loss the issue is the same. What’s not the same is that you cant go to rehab for being addicted to some one or to a false love.
I want to go home. and this is the test I think. I’m going home ether way. Just I would like to go home with out the baggage I owe it to them both. Most of all I owe it to me. Me.. who is that ……
Well we gave the finger to British rule 1776. Tonight the people gave the finger to the political rulers. And yes rulers with life long senators and politician. Make over 6+ figures you may have been put on notice. It’s not about you it’s about what you’re willing to give back…. the bill came due and the under class just stood up…. Will this push equal rights back words? Yes. Will Racism rise up? yes….. The issues is change was needed limping on the way it was just did not work. As i type the out Trump is 26 votes away from a lot of peoples worst fears. The ruling class take notices. The underclass will not be swept away. It will not go quietly in to the good night. Welcome to the brave new world. A lot like the old world but with one change the USA has made a choice. CBS news says the Canadian immigration site crashed. dow futures down 600 points. And 4 years to see what will happen. Good night and good luck. Good night chesty where ever you are….
Lexi Lexi Kali Noir Diamond
Mirror, Mirror, It tells all. What do I mean. it tells you, that you need a shave. It tells you to wash. It tells you that your lying to your self. What do I mean. We look in the mirror every day. As I said shave, brush teeth, wash your face or to have a long talk with your self. Are you who you want to be or who your told to be?
I will give you a minute on that one. ( jeopardy theme). Ok min is over. I have been the good son. After my dad died I helped my mom with bills. Helped many people with their lives. Have a son that gave me 2 grand kids.
Issue is all that is not me. I lost my self for so long in making sure people got to school. Found their feet. Find new jobs. Leave bad relationships. I’m 49 and I never helped me find me. I blew up a marriage, a 5 year relationship. Because I was not me. Yes I play cards and I may get a tattoo saying ” I’m a Poker Degenerate”. Fuck it if the world is going to label me screw it. Wear it like a Hawthorn novel. If you miss the reference google it.
I know I can play cards. I’m good. I’m an old man in a young mans game. Will I make millions, I don’t need to. I need to make enough to be happy. What is happy. For some its a new husband, that a friend helped free you for. Its a house in a new state where life is slower. For some its a 2 room apt. that’s all His.
We all need to find it. I touched it, Oct 1st 2016. I have touched it before a birthday in 2010. A beautiful girl on my lap, with a smile and a silly hat. The day my son graduated from high school. ( him giving the finger to the administration not a bell ringer but hey his day) I touched it again that day in October.
A Facebook model Lexi J Hamann ( look her up ). Had to post a disclaimer because some ass had to rain on her day. LOOK its your life no one can live it for you. Your are not getting extra time because you stayed with the crazy bytch or the self-righteous asshole. Death does not say “oh well your time is up but here a coupon for 5 years and a free happy meal.”
People its time to find you and yes the Hottie that is on this blog is Facebook model Lexi J Hamann. She is a great person. I have a few female models I call friends. Some are well known, Gothic model Kali Noir Diamond. Some are Facebook. Some are just starting out. You know what they all had in common? They said Screw it I want to be happy.
There comes a time you need to run away from home. Nothing grows in the comfort zone. That’s a lie, there is something. its called regret and you wont get a Do over.
Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things you didn’t do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bowlines. Sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover.Author some say Mark Twain. some say no…