Let me tell you about an amazing woman. She has a style and grace all to her self. He has had a ruff life two men that abused her and she took it. I won’t writes about sins of others it’s not my place. I have PTSD and a few other Mental illness that I have stated in past blogs.
I also abused her. Never wanted to hear about her growing up and then when we would fight I would always teller her Shut the fuck up before the fight gets worse.
And with her style and grace she would inhale nod and turn quiet. I broke her heart 4 times and on the 4th there was nothing left. So she fell in love with a man that treated her with Kindness respect and caring I use to.
When we started she got all the Candy as she would call it and as time went on I got worse. To the point that she would not want to be near me when I was. To be honest, well most of the time she would try and I would wall.
But through all of that She stayed my friend she staid by my side as a friend. I recently had a ruff patch and she was there on the phone to say kind words and hold my hand.
A woman that had every right to say go fuck your self you bastard. Would take my calls and with the voice will care and love from the past let me talk and let me be with her at least in my mind as I closed my eyes and was back in the garden with the morning glories and the dogs running free. She took all my venom and spite but still cut out time for me when I needed her.
I wish I was smart enough to understand what I had when I was there. But maybe that was the lesson that I needed. I saved her once she saves me when ever I call. Her husband calls her an Angel. No she is more oh so much more…….
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TIME DOES NOT HEAL
There is a tv remake of a 80’s & 90’s movie on fox called lethal weapons. there was a scene in the show that helps some people understand that time does not heal. Time is a man made thing so that not every thing happens now its a cataloging system so we know when to do what and when things will be:
From a tv show but on this day it fits
Riggs: You know, it’s not getting any easier. Time’s not helping.
Maureen: Why would it?
Riggs: ‘Cause everybody says that it does.
Maureen: People who say that don’t understand. Time is cruel. It punishes. I mean, we sentence people to time. I don’t know that it makes it any easier.
Riggs: Then what am I doing here?
Maureen: You’re looking for a way to make it hurt a little less. And in my experience, the only thing that helps is other people. Try connecting with the living.
Lets make it Buddy check any day
October 10th is world mental health day.. if you did not know … You should, many suffer for mental illness I was lucky I have friends/family that under stand. I long to end the pain of this illness. I know my friends have paid for my illness. Some with broken heart some with hurt feelings but they never left me. Some had to break up with me to save them selves but still stayed close and helped me. Today is a day that we need to remember that not every one says I’m going to kill my self. They just do it. Wednesday is called buddy check day if you did time in the service…… I think it should just be a thing you never know what a call will do.
What is Home where is home
There’s an old saying at least once a year we should go someplace we have never been I did that this year and I found that sometimes home Is not always about a house not always a building it’s not always a tent or Van. sometimes home Just having something that you’re missing. That certain thing for me it’s my dog. I may never find my home no but I found what makes me feel at home and her name is Heidi.
The first 50 years
Its funny I have lived 25 years longer than I thought I would. I’m a Teen of the 80’s to much coke, pot and Gallons of alcohol. I have driven when I was far to drunk to drive. Played football with the worst hangover ever. In the core I did things that have left many marks. As the first 50 years draws to a close I see the mistakes I have made. The list is long and very
and prestigious.
July 1st I move in to an apartment that is mine. I set back and for the first time I have stopped and looked around and this is what I have seen.
In August a young lady I call sugar britches is getting married. She has had a faults start before but this time its real. Its strong. I hope to get the time off to see the wedding. Her mother is very proud of her and happy.
I have a son. He has 2 great kids and has taken the weight of the world on his shoulders. He is married with 2 kids and has his sick mother living with him. With style and grace he walks 2 miles to and from work. He makes me proud.
In October I’m going to West Virginia to hang out with Sammy, so His mom and dad can get time away. I swore I would never go. “Never say never again.” sounds like a James Bond title. But I have the time off request in and we will see how it goes.
I sit with my brother around the grill eating, drinking and smoking cigars. For the first time in many years his eyes are not haunted there is an ease to his gate and a real laugh escapes every now and then. I just hope one day I can help him as much as he has helped me.
Do I have regrets yes. BUT. Some times in life the saddest truth is that the people we love we cant be with because its not good for us. We will call her she knows who she is. I saved her from a bad relationship, helped her get a new job and helped to start getting her house fixed up. I miss her every day but she is my 2nd drug of choice. My love for Opium is stronger. She even said it on more than one occasion , ” you think more of your damn Meds than you do me.” I freed her so she can now be with a man that loves her and she loves him so I did good.
I know I have helped people. Some times to the detriment of my self. As for the woman i love ” I was not the hero you wanted I was the Dragon you needed.” So I set back and see all the lives I have touched for good and ill. I hope that I have a balanced sheet if not then I will try to make amends. I’m not in a rush to go home any more I’m learning that sometimes, most times, ok all the time it comes when it is to come not a moment before.
Karma will pay some people back for things they have done. I think I have settled up with Mistress Karma. Others, …. well the bill always comes due. I know I will be there when it does to give a hand up. Just this time the words, “I told you so.” wont be on my lips or in my heart..
Because That’s who I am
My Brother and most of my friends are trying to get me to live in the moment. I have never been able to do this. Its great for the people that can, I envy them. But I will always long for death. To go home, I’m ok with that. The world is not, but I’m not living for the world I’m being ME. My heart belongs to one person. A FRIEND is holding it in a box on a shelf for safe keeping. I told her I wont want it back. She said its here for when you do. I love some one I wont see here. I’m to blind with memories from her there. So I will long to go home and see her there. Now I will have many say that’s the wrong way to live. WHO’S life is it. I can’t live the way you do for one simple reason. I’M NOT YOU. So yes I wear a hand grenade around my neck to pull the pin and see what’s next. But does not mean I have to pull the pin. It means I have that option and that’s what life is about right options. If you get board you find a new partner. If you hate your job some one pushes you to get a new one. So yes I want to die on a field of my choosing. But one day death will give me a ride home. Then I will be over my wonder lust for home. I write these for me and if you like them YeY. IF you don’t or I have Offended you or insulted you. That’s on you and what you did, not I. So Gray, Red, Freya, Patti, Rebecca and Emma I thank you for getting me to this point and I will stumble a few times. And you all will wonder what the fuck am I doing and sometimes I will wonder that my self. But I will never get lost in this moment, oh but how I wish I could. Its just not me. I’m alive at the poker table, not sipping wine watching the world go pass. I’m not a programmer, I’m a poker degenerate. so as I look down the barrel of 50 years old half a century in this Mortal coil. I’m starting to lose memories of why I hurt. which is a good thing. I know the damage I did. I know the damage they did. Neither can I fix. Knowledge comes at a cost. The scars you wear are the payment for what you learn. and I have some great scars……
I LONG FOR A PLACE AND A WOMAN I HAVE NOT SEEN………
Many times and she is Stunning
Have you ever missed a place you have never seen. Love a woman you only see when you close your eyes or in a dream. I miss home. I have not seen home in a very long time. You may have already gathered that I don’t see like others see. There are many truths. All truths are relative pick one that works. No its not alternative facts. That is a rues that the smart people play on the stupid. If the word rues stumps you. Its a two step process. step one Google it. step two take your high school English department to court for a shit education. I hurt from morning to night to be home. To see a woman that most would call horrific. Tall, long black hair, long eye teeth, and skin white as death. Her touch as cold as the grave. But I miss her and pine for her gaze and touch. I have unfairly seen another in this image which was wrong on 2 folds. One, I missed loving a wonderful woman for her self. She has found a man that will put her first. Smart man. Two, Its wrong to place ideas of some one else onto someone else. So I here I sit marking time till I get to a place I want to be.
Breaking even the Scripts
I’m still alive but I’m barely breathing
Just prayin’ to a god that I don’t believe in
‘Cause I got time while she got freedom
‘Cause when a heart breaks no it don’t break even
Her best days will be some of my worst
She finally met a man that’s gonna put her first
While I’m wide awake she’s no trouble sleeping
‘Cause when a heart breaks no it don’t break even, even, no
What am I supposed to do when the best part of me was always you,
And what am I supposed to say when I’m all choked up and you’re OK
I’m falling to pieces, yeah,
I’m falling to pieces
They say bad things happen for a reason
But no wise words gonna stop the bleeding
‘Cause she’s moved on while I’m still grieving
And when a heart breaks no it don’t breakeven even, no
So I sit and hurt. Some say by choice some say its because I loved deeply. Ask the one here she would say I never loved any one or any thing. That may be on the extreme. And in truth she would have much more grace than to say any thing like that, most likely. So if you have “THAT ONE” hug them often. Kiss them, tell them you love them. because days go by slow years flyby. So I wait for the trip home. A cold touch a beautiful woman and a List of stuff to fix….
******
Never had to right a explanation to a post but it looks like I have to. It more longing and excepting that what was holding me here from going home is no longer doing it. She may have been my anchor to keep me from where i want to be. But she still has style, grace, love and kindness. She is my friend. I’m glad she has found her one. But i’m out of here and things have started to fix them selves. Poker is going better. I have a Job. I will have my own place and a dog. Not the one I miss but His Mom and sister are the best. So yes it read it again and understand what I’m saying is. Love peace and pizza grease. I’m going home.
The Roads we travel. . .
My brother never changes. His form does, his job may, his looks and even some times his voice but he does not. He does not talk after a death he carries on. He will have a time to reflect and remember but he will move on quickly. After a War, death, long trip, its no questions its to bath and to sleep. To escape for a time form people and duties he has to perform. He in a senses is my Mycroft. The older Brother that has all the answers. The one that guides. I the Homes, a junkie that gets off figuring out the why. Why someone says hugs for the world to see, when they love someone else. A few times a year he leaves and I’m alone. It’s hard to start with but as each day happens to come and go I under stand me more. He is him, I am me. Him Superman for the world to see, Me batman the detective always trying to find the “why”.
Its ok we are different in many ways we are the same in many also. We are always there when the other needs something. He hugged me once in this life was the Strange but familiar feeling. He is one thing to the world another in privet. But I know that he just wants one thing. Peace. He fights for peace. With family and with in himself. I know only the fight and he tries to temper my rage for even when I fall apart I do it with a violence of pend up emotion. He just got home and I asked my 2 questions I get before he closes down. Then its shower and the darkness of sleep. We all have demons he keeps his beneath him as a learned man will. I dance with my demons and fight with them. Love two women. Both hold my heart. One is the one I want and need, while one is the one I protect and save. Both love me. One understands. One never will. I can’t live my life like my brother does.
I can pick things that work for me but I cant live someone else’s life. Life is out there. I have hid long enough. I know that both women love me. They always will one for who I am, one for what I do. Its taken me life times to understand this and now I’m at peace. I can go home to the woman I miss greatly.
My brother will be home soon also and he will camp on the front lawn and annoy my Wife. She knows he is my Brother and like all families there are many colors to it. from Red to gray/blue to mercury to black even greens. We all are parts to the whole. Family is not always who your born or hatched with. It’s people that will always be there. what is a family? It is not always sharing blood.
Its sometimes. Just being there when there is a need or a call. No matter how many times you burn down a tavern or forget to pay back the gold. Use his shield to cook with. Its knowing that the other person will not ignore your call for help even if you don’t know your making the call.
The bill came due…
Well we gave the finger to British rule 1776. Tonight the people gave the finger to the political rulers. And yes rulers with life long senators and politician. Make over 6+ figures you may have been put on notice. It’s not about you it’s about what you’re willing to give back…. the bill came due and the under class just stood up…. Will this push equal rights back words? Yes. Will Racism rise up? yes….. The issues is change was needed limping on the way it was just did not work. As i type the out Trump is 26 votes away from a lot of peoples worst fears. The ruling class take notices. The underclass will not be swept away. It will not go quietly in to the good night. Welcome to the brave new world. A lot like the old world but with one change the USA has made a choice. CBS news says the Canadian immigration site crashed. dow futures down 600 points. And 4 years to see what will happen. Good night and good luck. Good night chesty where ever you are….
TWO PEOPLE THE SAME ISSUE DIFFERENT ENDS…..
Let me start this by saying, I’m not a psychologist, Councilor or a Doctor.
I suffer from ptsd, survivors guilt, and depression. I’m a mental shop of horrors. I was into some very bad things. things that would have ended up with me in Jail or worse. The dirt nap. Which at a time I would have loved.
I’m not suicidal, I have a death wish, huge difference. I want to die but I wont do it because well I’m shallow. I don’t want people to be ashamed of me. NOW that said your choice is your choice I’m saying what MINE is. Keep your poison pen letters to your self. My head, my world, you are reading this of your own free will.
I have seen time and time again that one of the biggest things that help the person with ptsd. It is the love and understanding of some one. It needs to be a Lover. Because the person with ptsd needs love of someone to make them feel safe. The ones that don’t have that seams to be more destructive than those that do.
Now here is the rub. The person that helps, the person with ptsd. May not be the person that the ptsd survivor spends the rest of their life with. I will let that sink in. See we meet people for reasons. Some heal, some break, some repair, some destroy. But they all have a place. The person that fixes ( wrong word but) the ptsd survivor may not be the person that’s right for them long term.
From my side two women saved me. One gave me a bed and a place to wall up at. The other a beautiful woman that I still hold dear. The 2nd woman loved me so much she rearranged her world for me. And helped me heal. As I healed it was becoming apparent that we had started to grow apart. Now she held me as I cried. Screamed at the world. Fought my demons. She would make me lay in bed with her and not ghost the house when I could not sleep. She would take the Dragon strikes and love me after. She took the brunt and stood strong. Till she could do no more and was time for me to face the world I had ran from.
People that can not connect with that one person. They drift and spiral down to the abyss that there is little chance to come back from. Yes sometimes beauty can save the beast. The beast can be a woman that needs the hansom man to save her. To love her for all her scars and warts. A man that can find the love of a Woman. That will stand in Dragons fire and look more polished than before. Again they may not be the forever loves. They my have a year, or 5. But they will have something that only people that have seen combat can understand. For they have seen combat. the War of a soul. Of a person. Of a human being. We have scars some are seen, some are invisible. At this time most of my hero’s are all women. Because they have a style and grace to just smile and look stunning after. I’m the Dirty, unshaven, heathen. But I’m seeing the day light. So in a sense the women are Valkyries leading the warrior home.
To a druid that gave me a Bed and a cave. To the Vampire that withstood the fire and anger. To the gothic model that told me that because I’m broken does not me I’m useless. The army Harlequin, the Mom Model. They all have lead me a little further. Many more have touched me I just named a few.
The difference between the two people with PTSD. One allowed the right person in. The other let NO one in. There is a scene from a movie called UNCOMMON VALOR
Col. Cal Rhodes: You know, for years, I couldn’t sleep after Korea. My nightmares all had to do with the Chosin Reservoir. The ground there was so frozen, we couldn’t bury our dead. We had to pile ’em on trucks and lash them up against the tanks. For years I’d wake up with those dead, frozen faces staring at me.
Wilkes: Did it ever go away?
Col. Cal Rhodes: No… I finally made friends with them, though.
You need someone to love you that will give you the feeling of safety that will allow the healing to begin. With out that they fight the war and never have a chance to breathe.
Talk to some one, let some one in. Your not week to open up. Your stronger for knowing you cant do it all. In the Corp It’s not the single man its the team. You cant win this fight alone. Its ok to let someone fight for you so you can breathe.
The_dragon_hide 