So now I get text messages, an hour after a Good morning messaged. That I forgot to hit send to reply to. Because now Pandora’s box has exploded and all the things trapped in there are out.
HOW DARE SHE DO THIS. How dare she do what? trigger an explosion that was going to happen. Humans need to put a face a name on things and actions.
Then you get the question. What hurts? Is it your back? your leg? a migraine? what hurts? And the answer is I do my mind hurts. Its hurt for a long time. I have a friend that calls me uncle Frank ( Frank Castle AKA the Punisher) My First wife called me House from the TV show. My Son called me Dragon. A third Watched NCIS and looked at me and said ya Leroy Jethro Gibbs fits you. She said I lived on lack of sleep, caffeine, Anger. She was right. So for 45 years I have suffered the slings and arrow. The comments, the memories and the deaths all the people that die and I don’t know how to morn. Every thing dies flowers, pets, people, relationships. The list is long and it all hurts. But when your are so use to eating it and living off the pain you for get the little things. The wonder in a childes eyes. The touch of a hand on the side of your face, that takes all the pain away for a short time. The feeling of a Hug. The morning kiss. You miss the sparkle in the person that loves you. Till its no longer there and you go through the motions of a relationship. You do things to hurt people to keep them a way. In an argument you hit ones to back them off after that any shit they ever did is open to use. Yes I fight dirty. I survive. There in lies the issue. I have lived to long, I have out lived my capacity to take any more. so now I’m on a wait list for mental help, insurance I have none it was $22 bucks for insurance a week or $22 bucks for food. Food won. So here I sit. I take the dog for a walk when its not 3 degrees. I have no coats that fit I put on 30 pounds from the not giving a fuck that has taken over. I have Heidi (my dog) she tries to get me out of the hole but she can only do so much. This week another week of waiting. So I sit in this pain. I can feel it flow out of my hands like Icker, (an oozing darkness you don’t want to touch people because you may infect them.) I have broken hearts and hurt people verbally on purpose. Just so they would leave so I could not infect them. So I hurt today, the pain meds work for a short time. The medical marijuana helps but its a band aid on a chest wound. I have more pain ahead. when I’m off the waiting list and I start to dig out this closet full of bullshit I have stored. So today is just one more day of pain. Yes pain ends it may hurt for an Hour, a Day, A year. but When your in the middle of the pain to you it will never end. So one more day of pain. Looking at things that needing done and saying fuck that. I do what I have to for my Treatment but that’s all I got energy for. Well Feeding Heidi I have time for that. So is the light at the end of the cave. Is it a train, Death, or Sun light. I have no fucking idea I just know at this moment I hurt…
Have you ever had something happen that makes you see things in a different light. I finally reached out for help with my ptsd . I’m getting a councilor. The voices kept got louder, the Yelling “DO it, end it, Get it over with…” was them saying ask for help, and get rid of the pain.
There was an amazing woman that a hug took all my pain away. It scared me because all I was, was pain. I thought that if the pain was gone I would be nothing……….
What if I was nothing,
what if this is true?
What if I was nothing, girl,
nothing without you
So what if I was angry,
what did you think I’d do?
I told you that I love you ……..
- “What If I Was Nothing” – All That Remains
HG Wells made a time device that could go forward and back in time.
What if you could go back in time. Change what happened, change the anger, the fights.
YOUR fear and show her what was the real reason you pulled back. And you could fix the love that was there. You could have what you lost.
Now you Look at her Facebook. See the love in her eyes that she has with her new husband. The smile as she is on a boat crossing a lake on summer vacation with a look of joy and happiness. Fate gave them a second chance at love.
Do you still go back and fix it? . . . .
As the Disturbed’s version of “the sounds of silence” echoes in your head.
You want to know what unconditional love is. . . . Its not getting in the one thing that could make YOUR life happy.
Because true love is not about your wants, its about theirs. The us is only a part of it. When you’re truly in love with some one. Your life means little their life is what matters. Because it should be the same for them and thus gives balance.
I love some one that way. Her happiness means more to me that all the gems, jewels, gold, or money in the world.
She is not here. one day I will hold her pale hand, brush the long black hair away from her face. I will kiss the Painted red lips and see a smiles that has 4 teeth that are very long and are very sharp.
So no I don’t go back and fix it. See you can love more than one persons unconditionally. This fallacy that you can only love one person is crap. A family with 4 aunts, 5 uncles, 3 bothers, 5 sisters, and your parents and your grand parents. You can only love one of them really. Some book, ONE person ideals being used as happiness templet. People are morons. They are reactionary, dangerous, heard animals. That will make fun of others. Hurt even. Even murder others because of color of their skin, clothing, What book of religious persuasion.
So the pain, the hurt, the loss, I feel is mine. Its not for me to share, that’s called love. Not the groveling of “oh take me back.” Love is a chemical reaction that happens. If you are numb to some ones affections nothing will rekindle that love that went cold. You can only hope that a new love will start between you both again.
A heart is made of glass, it break you can fix it but there is a crack in it and it will never fully heal. All you can do is hope that a new love will grow.
So no I don’t go back to fix what happened. because I love her. She is happy, in love, has a great life so my wants are meaningless.
This is healing. This is understanding. This is moving on.
There is a tv remake of a 80’s & 90’s movie on fox called lethal weapons. there was a scene in the show that helps some people understand that time does not heal. Time is a man made thing so that not every thing happens now its a cataloging system so we know when to do what and when things will be:
From a tv show but on this day it fits
Riggs: You know, it’s not getting any easier. Time’s not helping.
Maureen: Why would it?
Riggs: ‘Cause everybody says that it does.
Maureen: People who say that don’t understand. Time is cruel. It punishes. I mean, we sentence people to time. I don’t know that it makes it any easier.
Riggs: Then what am I doing here?
Maureen: You’re looking for a way to make it hurt a little less. And in my experience, the only thing that helps is other people. Try connecting with the living.
October 10th is world mental health day.. if you did not know … You should, many suffer for mental illness I was lucky I have friends/family that under stand. I long to end the pain of this illness. I know my friends have paid for my illness. Some with broken heart some with hurt feelings but they never left me. Some had to break up with me to save them selves but still stayed close and helped me. Today is a day that we need to remember that not every one says I’m going to kill my self. They just do it. Wednesday is called buddy check day if you did time in the service…… I think it should just be a thing you never know what a call will do.
That moment. There comes a moment when things just snap. Your whole perception changes. That happened today when my room mate was doing laundry and I was doing dishes and we both fit in the same spot. I’m no longer fat I’m large but not fat.
Now some will say ok so what. No matter how many times he tells me. No matter how close he parks and I still could get in the car. It did not hit me till just now.
I’m having a really bad day. It started when I got up. I started to do what I use to do on Sundays. Which was cook. In my old life Sundays would be cooking and yard day. I get up and start coffee and food. She would get up some time later. As we would eat breakfast I would have stock simmering or things cooking for the week or freezer.
That was then, over a year ago and today it hit me as I was making a Chili and started a chicken soup. I had just started and thought oh do I have storage for this. Then it started to creep in. Your alone, She is gone. Yes, yes she is. Married for a year to a man and she is happy as never before.
I’m glad for her I really am. It eats at me some. The words we all say. “I will never leave you behind.” “We can make it through any thing.” Time has a way of eroding the words, feelings, and meaning behind them. There was things we should have said, and did not. Things we should have done but did not. We should have been honest and open and we where not.
Some people are serial cheaters and cheating is as defined
- :to deprive of something valuable by the use of deceit or fraud
- :to influence or lead by deceit, trick, or artifice
- :to elude or thwart by or as if by outwitting cheat death
- :to practice fraud or trickery
- :to violate rules dishonestly cheat at cards cheating on a test
- :to be sexually unfaithful usually used with on was cheating on his wife
Emotional Cheating is Different:
- What is the definition of emotional infidelity? It’s an emotional connection with someone of the opposite sex that you keep a secret from your spouse, says Peggy Vaughan, author of The Monogamy Myth: A Personal Handbook for Recovering from Affairs. Basically, emotional affairs occur when one partner is channeling physical or emotional energy, time and attention into someone other than the person they are in a committed relationship with to the point that their partner feels neglected.
The issue is Its a drug. Love has the same effect. the pain the loss the issue is the same. What’s not the same is that you cant go to rehab for being addicted to some one or to a false love.
I want to go home. and this is the test I think. I’m going home ether way. Just I would like to go home with out the baggage I owe it to them both. Most of all I owe it to me. Me.. who is that ……
Well we gave the finger to British rule 1776. Tonight the people gave the finger to the political rulers. And yes rulers with life long senators and politician. Make over 6+ figures you may have been put on notice. It’s not about you it’s about what you’re willing to give back…. the bill came due and the under class just stood up…. Will this push equal rights back words? Yes. Will Racism rise up? yes….. The issues is change was needed limping on the way it was just did not work. As i type the out Trump is 26 votes away from a lot of peoples worst fears. The ruling class take notices. The underclass will not be swept away. It will not go quietly in to the good night. Welcome to the brave new world. A lot like the old world but with one change the USA has made a choice. CBS news says the Canadian immigration site crashed. dow futures down 600 points. And 4 years to see what will happen. Good night and good luck. Good night chesty where ever you are….
So it has started again. It’s the sleep of the dead till I see her. She is kneeling beside me. Hair is long but kind curled ( a wave) she is covered in blood. Her dress is white with stitching and beads. Its a sunny day, she is laughing. Knife can be seen and the blood is mine. Only change this time is my dog is laying at my head as i slip to darkness……….. Poker also sucks last to major online tournaments.