Just so you know I swear sometimes a lot so read at your own peril.
- Shock And Denial
- Pain and Guilt
- Depression ( this was around for 9 months and lingers)
- Testing and Reconstruction
I have mental illness. I have depression, ptsd and Survivors Guilt. Its a strain on all my relationships. Friends, lovers and even family members that just don’t understand. You cant slap a Band-Aid on a cut but your soul bleeds. You can set a broken mind like you set a broken bone. I have a poker coach Nick Whitehall and he has coached many poker players and has helped hundreds and hundreds of people with their game. One of the things he teaches is to notice tendencies in people you play against but also tendencies you your self have in your game. Funny I started to use this off table and started to notice things in my day to day life with my Illness. I have this a few days that I sink in to this quiet. I call it I cave up like Dragons do. I leave the lights off and close out the world and on the 3rd day I want to scream and cry over what I have lost. Not what my come not that last night I took first place in a Poker tournament to win my way in to a bigger tournament. That with time and study and coaching I have improved. Now that I can watch the wsop or wpt and marvel at the moves and the plays that are made and understand why. Nope just the bad beats the loves I have lost and the wanting to go home. But this time is different I see the tendencies. I see the pattern. I guess I’m learning to think to see things differently its taken a long time but the Gray, a Vampire and a woman I call Mum have finally started to sink in. I’m a person with mental illness not a Mental illness with a person.
I need to vent a moment. we have 22 vets a day deciding to end their lives . But what is one of the larger news……… Coffee cups. yes Coffee cups. So in essence. A disposable cup you have for 2 hours max in your day is worth more than a Human Life. . It’s not us that’s wrong its the outside world i swear it is. . your Theological view is wonderful i wont bring up mine. Maybe if ptsd, depression, bipolar and suicide from the later gets talked about as much as a red cup maybe just maybe we wont feel like Lepers.
There is a little girl and she has her Dragon. The Dragon is feared by many, is unlikeable and has many scares. The Dragon found the little girl is a place that had many wonderful things to see. Also many nasty and horrible places also. The little girl lived in a home that she was unloved and treated badly. She was a slave and could see no way to be free. The Dragon came to give the little girl strength and love. The little girl found the courage to stand up to the troll and force him out. As time went by the little girl grew up. It was time for the Dragon to fly once again. So the little girl sent the Dragon away to find happiness. The Dragon was sad but moreover he was proud of the fact he has saved the little girl. To give some one a chance to be free and to love is the greatest thing a Dragon could do. The little girl still talks to the Dragon. Still calls to him, still love the Dragon. In time may call the Dragon home. Till then she know she has a Dragon.
There is a Little boy scared lonely. He finds a Vampire cold and aloof, hiding in a dark castle. The little boy knocks and knocks till the Vampire come out to send him a way. The little boy scared and lonely would not leave. The Vampire grows to love the little boy and has him move in. Over time the little boy becomes bratty. The Vampire becomes busy. They each try to get the others attention but they each fail. Till one day the little boy being a brat opens a window. Sun light shines on the heart that was theirs. The sun shatters the heart and the Vampire send the boy away. The Boy sit out side the castle wanting to go back in. There is another in the castle with the Vampire now. The Vampire loves the little boy. Talks to the little boy. But loves another boy. So someday the little boy may go back in the castle only time will tell. The Vampire says ” I will always love you, Little one.” The little boy put on a brave front but once again. He is cold and lonely and misses the days of Wine and roses. The Vampire will always be there for the little boy. But the little boy will no longer be able to hold her hand or touch her.
This is the two sides to the same story. We all have different personas. The Bratty boy is also the Dragon. The Vampire is the Little Girl. The view is different but still the same outcome. Kiss good morning, Hug often. Talk. A sad little boy/girl misses their Vampire/Dragon.