The ROADS WE WALK HAVE DANGERS UNSEEN….

It is better to be violent, if there is violence in our hearts, than to put on the cloak of nonviolence to cover impotence.
Mahatma Gandhi
It’s time to find my armor again.  I lost my old armor.  It no longer fit.  It was full of holes, tattered, and mismatched.  I was coming out of a unhealthy marriage of 17 years.  I was running with a bad crowd and living on pain meds.  I had to make a choice to take a chance and live or stay and see how dark it would get.
A friend found me and had me live in their attic.  I found someone and fell in love and moved in.  The cost was my armor.  The armor covers open wounds.  Cuts that would not heal, that oozed icker that had a truly foul smell.  Scars and marks from where I had out grown the armor.
It’s now time to find my new armor.  To enter the war that is life you need an armor.  Some can get through it with a jerkin and a light vest.  Some need gothic plate armor that is more a show of opulence and protection.  Protects them from life.  So these people feel nothing and say it’s a deities will, or fate.
Karma is a fickle Mistress she does not forgive or forget.  I have paid for my crimes against Her.  Others are having her move in and settle down for a while.
None of this is for me to bare and or take upon my self.  I need some type of armor.  My choice of armor is leather and chain.  This is lightweight but still offers protection.  We all need protection from the acid, slings, arrows and blows that life will deliver.
A fool thinks they need no armor.  We all need some type of protection.  There is one that will forever be able to fine the weak spots in the armor.  I know theirs.  I can not be slowed by the passing glances that life throws my way.  The forget to reply.  The missed phone calls.  Life is not for the weak and no one gets out alive.  All truth is relative pick one that works.  It all boils down to the same thing.  To live is to fight.  To fight does not always mean to hit someone.  It means get up in the morning 15 minutes early if you have to, To finish up making lunch.  To finish that load of dishes.  When you cant fight, your armor will protect you for the time you need.
Life is a contact sport.  I tried to hide in a hole.  It still found me.  If you decide not to partake, you still are. You just let it making the choices not you.  So yes it’s time for me to once more go into the breach.  Yes life will kill me it does it to every one but its better to go down swinging than to die scared under the bed.
The road we walk has Demon’s under them. Mine have waited along time for me to come out and walk the road.  Who am I to deny them. Or myself of the fight.  So yes its time for me to find new armor.  Not to live on Caffeine, Animosity, and Anger. But to use what I have learned and start again.  Its not the destination its the journey.  The sights along the way. This is what you regale your friends with at home or the bar.  Life is meant to be experienced not hidden from. 

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TWO PEOPLE THE SAME ISSUE DIFFERENT ENDS…..

Let me start this by saying, I’m not a psychologist, Councilor or a Doctor.
I suffer from ptsd, survivors guilt, and depression.  I’m a mental shop of horrors.  I was into some very bad things.  things that would have ended up with me in Jail or worse.  The dirt nap.  Which at a time I would have loved.
I’m not suicidal, I have a death wish, huge difference.  I want to die but I wont do it because well I’m shallow.  I don’t want people to be ashamed of me.  NOW that said your choice is your choice I’m saying what MINE is.  Keep your poison pen letters to your self.  My head, my world, you are reading this of your own free will.
I have seen time and time again that one of the biggest things that help the person with ptsd.  It is the love and understanding of some one.  It needs to be a Lover.  Because the person with ptsd needs love of someone to make them feel safe.  The ones that don’t have that seams to be more destructive than those that do.
Now here is the rub.  The person that helps, the person with ptsd.  May not be the person that the ptsd survivor spends the rest of their life with.  I will let that sink in.  See we meet people for reasons.  Some heal, some break, some repair, some destroy.  But they all have a place.  The person that fixes ( wrong word but) the ptsd survivor may not be the person that’s right for them long term.
From my side two women saved me.  One gave me a bed and a place to wall up at.  The other a beautiful woman that I still hold dear.  The 2nd woman loved me so much she rearranged her world for me.  And helped me heal.  As I healed it was becoming apparent that we had started to grow apart.  Now she held me as I cried.  Screamed at the world.   Fought my demons.  She would make me lay in bed with her and not ghost the house when I could not sleep.  She would take the Dragon strikes and love me after.  She took the brunt and stood strong.  Till she could do no more and was time for me to face the world I had ran from.
People that can not connect with that one person.  They drift and spiral down to the abyss that there is little chance to come back from.  Yes sometimes beauty can save the beast.  The beast can be a woman that needs the hansom man to save her.  To love her for all her scars and warts.  A man that can find the love of a Woman.  That will stand in Dragons fire and look more polished than before.  Again they may not be the forever loves.  They my have a year, or 5.  But they will have something that only people that have seen combat can understand.  For they have seen combat.  the War of a soul.  Of a person.  Of a human being.  We have scars some are seen, some are invisible.  At this time most of my hero’s are all women.  Because they have a style and grace to just smile and look stunning after.  I’m the Dirty, unshaven, heathen.  But I’m seeing the day light.  So in a sense the women are Valkyries leading the warrior home.
To a druid that gave me a Bed and a cave.  To the Vampire that withstood the fire and anger.  To the gothic model that told me that because I’m broken does not me I’m useless.  The army Harlequin,  the Mom Model.  They all have lead me a little further.  Many more have touched me I just named a few.
The difference between the two people with PTSD.  One allowed the right person in.  The other let NO one in.   There is a scene from a movie called UNCOMMON VALOR
Col. Cal Rhodes: You know, for years, I couldn’t sleep after Korea. My nightmares all had to do with the Chosin Reservoir. The ground there was so frozen, we couldn’t bury our dead. We had to pile ’em on trucks and lash them up against the tanks. For years I’d wake up with those dead, frozen faces staring at me.
Wilkes: Did it ever go away?
Col. Cal Rhodes: No… I finally made friends with them, though.
You need someone to love you that will give you the feeling of safety that will allow the healing to begin.  With out that they fight the war and never have a chance to breathe.
Talk to some one, let some one in.  Your not week to open up.  Your stronger for knowing you cant do it all.  In the Corp  It’s not the single man its the team.  You cant win this fight alone.  Its ok to let someone fight for you so you can breathe.

LIFE IS NOT FOR THE WEAK. NO ONE GETS OUT ALIVE….

no-one-gets-out

You can have the sound of a thousand voices calling your name.  You can have the light of the world blind you, bathe you in grace.  But I don’t see so easily what you hold in your hands.  Cause castles crumble, kingdoms fall and turn into sand.
You can be an angel of mercy or give into hate.  You can try to buy it just like it every other careless mistake.  How do you justify I’m mystified by the ways of your heart.  With a million lies the truth will rise to tear you apart.
No one gets out alive, every day is do or die.  The one thing you leave behind.  Is how did you love, how did you love?  It’s not what you believe; those prayers will make you bleed.  But while you’re on your knees.  How did you love, how did you love, how did you love?
Shinedown ” How do you love”
Life is not for the weak. No one gets out alive.  Very morbid and dark views.  As a friend tells me every day some truths are universal.  People do things with out thinking.  They do things that to them seams smart and a good choice.  If they step back and look at it from both sides its really kinda shitty.   Winter is setting in and I watch as some of my facebook friends lives are changing.  Some are getting a new home after working 20 hours a day.  The Pictures of Lexi on the top are of her changing her look because fuck it why not.
  • Just so you know I swear sometimes a lot so read at your own peril.
Something happened to me earlier this week no I wont go into it but it was like really.  I have mental issues and something will cause my alter ego come out.  Its drastic changes and surprises.  Well a friend tossed a hand grenade at me I nicely sent it back.  Is what it is their life is going side ways.
So I spent a few days looking at it and what I cam up with is this.  People will act or react with out thinking.  we all do it.  I will make you pay for a long time for a non thinking comment.  A pound of flesh is it right? No. But ya I do it.  Broad brush  statement in 3. 2. 1.  Some women will say nothing is wrong for weeks till you drag it out of them.  Sorry I played that gave for 25 years with 2 different people, not doing it any more.  Tell me or let it go, you holding on to it and it festering only makes it worse.
Hurt feelings are an infection that will poison things.  Friendships, Lover, work, even family.   Talk about it or let it go.   DONT CALL AND SAY “WHAT ARE YOU DOING?” If you think you see an anomaly.  ASK.  If your feelings are hurt say something.
Look people again, NO ONE GETS OUT ALIVE.  Some think you get reincarnated. Some know they have lived other lives.  Science says that the universe expands and contracts and you do this over and over.
Life is lets say 80 years.  The first 40 we try so hard to get ahead.  Then the last 40 we have regrets of I should have.
I met some one coming off the escalators at Macy’s.  She changed my life for bad and for GOOD.  But I had to take the chance to meet her.  To take a ride to PA to meet dear friends.   Do I have regrets? HELL YES.  I lost 20 years in a bad marriage.  We both were not good for each other.  thank who ever are son was not fucked up for life.  Here is the rub.
IF you did not make the choices you made, you would not be here today with that special some one.   let that sink in.  All the fights, bad dates.  The shit jobs, bad days and yes wrong choices have lead you to this place.
The skein of your life may have been woven along time ago.  but the choices you make are all part of that tapestry.
The reds from the blood spilled.  The deep blues the sad times.  The greens from all your envious actions.  The black all your anger.  But the absences of color is black. All the colors make white.  So you need all the colors in your tapestry.  Die with few regrets.  you will have some.  The person you should have asked out.  The job you should have taken.  The right turn when you went left.
No one gets out alive.  So make your life.  I’m playing poker and I’m good at it.  Lexi is starting to model.  Others as I said have worked 20 hours to make a life for her kids.  Every day is do or die.  Even a day spent healing is a victory.
So what are you going to do.  Vikings want to die in battle.  Some want to die in their sleep.  Some want to live so safe that nothing happens.  Riddle me this and riddle me that…..  Is a life UN-lived a life well lived or missed?

THE WINDOWS TO THE SOUL…

Her eyes are haunted they do not sparkle.  Life has been ruff for her.  she says ” I’m happier than I have ever been.”  The eyes are the windows to the soul.  that’s why poker players wear sunglasses.
Why should I care? Why should I wonder about it? I have seen the eyes sparkle.  Why should it bother me?  I guess you have never given a homeless person a meal.  helped an older person with getting any thing from a high shelf.  helped a child find mom or a policeman.
We are human and we are suppose to look out for each other.  She looks out for me as best she can.  Her heart is with an other.  She tries.  People are people.  IF you loved them and it was real. Then there will always be feelings there. UNLESS the end was horrid and was all your fault, then you wont have those feelings.
Some are in relationships that it is of convenience and little else.   Some are perfect Illusions to point to a pop hit.  Some are so intense they leave scars.  Will I ever find someone?  The world thinks I will.  I’m not looking, I have friends but like the captain of the Dutchman.  Its in a box on a shelf being watched over.  I can have it any time I want it.  I don’t want it at this point in my life.  I want to play poker and see things.
I know the person watching it has forgotten they have it.  Its covered in webs and dust.  Which is fine.  When its discovered years from now.  It will have the scars of a life partly lived.  The note in side will say “the plan did not work. It was flawed but its all we had so we ran with it.”  Some loves last eons.  Some they write stories over, some are horror movies.
When I go home and I awaken an I look around from this dream.  I will see new scars and a face looking back at me.  She will say welcome home.  The heart will start to beat again.  Atrophied muscles starting to work and pump blood again.  She will look at me and place a hand on my chest.  With a sad look she will know it was a bad dream with a love that did not last.  She will kiss my cheek and say there is work to do.  She will smile and say and “I have needs also.”
That awakening is years away.  There are tables to play.  hands to win.  A friend I miss with sad haunted eyes.  they will say I’m wrong and I’m seeing zebras in a horse stable.  But I know her eyes I saw love, hate, and sadness in them all caused by me. I lived in those eyes.  Now I live on a couch and play cards.
As I finish this post up.  a song makes me smile.  On one hand I hear Archer saying “DANGER ZONE. Lana”.  On the other I feel the feeling when I have ace high and I push with two kings showing and win.
Yes all this from seeing a friends sad eyes…

GOOD DAY, BAD DAY, THEY ALL RUN TOGETHER…

sad
It’s the start of fall in New England.  Few places I enjoy like here in the fall.  The sun is bright and the days are clear and the leaves are starting to turn colors (colours).  The summer is slipping away.  The summer loves are ending. They all are finding there ways back to the realities from which they came.  I have great days, good days and yes even some bad days.  To day is one of the bad days.  I don’t know why I have them.  It’s this feeling of being twisted, having all the happiness wrung from you like a wet rag.  If I don’t catch it it’s a day of hell.  My mind beating me with every bad thing I ever said or have done.  It’s the this is your shit life lets relive the lowest points that we can.  Remember what you said to you mom.  Hey remember the time with your first wife.  Hey your such a worthless human being that the woman that says ” no matter what we will make it. ” I will never leave you behind.”  Yes you rotten bastard you even drove her away.  I hope the man you drove her too. Now that their married is better to her than you.  Yes this is my mind beating on me.  I have no job, no license, and I want to run.  Run where you ask.  2nd star to the right and straight on till morning.  In a 30 day cycle I have a break down of 20 average days, 4 really great days. That leaves 6 days that came form the darkest reaches of the cave.  The places you don’t look because the bad things live there.  The places that if you walk to close the cold reaches out and grabs you.  It pulls you in and laughs as you sit there.   See the issue is I’m getting more comfortable there.  Because I lived there for months.  That’s not to say it does not suck it just the reality.  I got use to living in the dark.  Sitting in a chair as the darkness comes and envelops you.  The closing in of the dark.  My girl friend would have meeting so I would be alone from 8am till some times 9:30 10 pm.  I would not  turn on a light I would let the dark take me.  She was the light that would save me.  Well that light is some one else’s and I sit in the dark and wait.  So its a Dark Day as I call it.  My room mate comes home and turns on extra lights to help but its already settled in.  I will sleep in a few hours.  I will have night mares about having my dog only to wake up and be alone.  I will hide in bed till its safe to start my day.  Yes there reason she left you are both yours and hers.  She has asked you to forgive your self for the bad and live your life.  I wish I could.  One day maybe.  one day at a time I guess….

You Look Like My Next … Opportunity

never-be-sad

I turned 49 years old this year. I never thought I would see it.  Child of the 80’s, service time, and living a lifestyle that would lead to jail or worse.  This year has been the hardest year to live through. 2015 saw the end of what was to be forever and the start of what it is now.  So for a year I healed in a way, going through the 7 stages of grief.
  • Shock And Denial
  • Pain and Guilt
  • Anger
  • Bargaining
  • Depression ( this was around for 9 months and lingers)
  • Testing and Reconstruction
  • Acceptance
It’s been hard would be an understatement. {Thank you Gray for not allowing me to fail.} I started to read some of my post from when I started this blog.  It was like some one else had wrote them. In a way it was, for the person that wrote them is no more.  As the song says ” Yesterday’s gone.”  You have eyes that see where your going. Not where you have been.  I for months was like, ” If Only….” guess what! I cant fix it, learn and move forward.  In the USMC, there is a saying never pay twice for the real estate we have gained.  Meaning that the inches, feet, yards that we have gained we paid for in PTAD ( pain, torture, agony and in some cases death).  My room mate had to watch me for months.
He would watch me crumble rebuild repeat. Day in day out. Week in week out. Till one day the build and crumble was taking longer.  The foundation was starting to hold.  The old foundation was being replaced.
“….is like a foolish man who built his house on sand.”  Matthew 7:26 ( part)
With his help we have cleared away the sand, rubble and lose rocks.  We have hit bed rock ( insert Flintstones joke here).  I have been writing and getting my head clear.  I have been playing and learning poker.  2 styles and I’m starting to make a career of it.  Now any one that has any thing that  they want to say against this.  Please type it out nicely, and read it.  Proof for spelling, dictions and syntax.  Then save and keep for your self thank you.
I’m good and I have a natural feel for it.  Will I make millions? It does not matter.  I just need to make enough to play, eat, have a roof and some in the savings.  I know people that are slaves to the middle class.  I lived it with them, saw it eat at them. If I make Millions Woohoo.  Bugatti veyron super sport.  Don’t know the car, Google it .
The scariest thing is when you have to face your afraid to succeed.  It sounds stupid right!  I mean we all want to succeed right.  No see with success comes expectations,  standards, goals.  That’s scary.  You win the lotto your done.  Toss money in a bank, live in the nice home, wait for death. But to succeed means to keep trying.  Keep going become the greatest you possible.  Your not great!!  You have been fired a few times.  Have an ex wife, ex lovers both fails. in a movie I saw one time there is a scene that stuck with me:
” Quicksand..”
” You’re playing and you think everything is going fine. Then one thing goes wrong. And then another. And another. You try to fight back, but the harder you fight, the deeper you sink. Until you can’t move… you can’t breathe… because you’re in over your head. Like quicksand. “
Shane Falco: Movie ‘ The Replacements.’
That’s what happened to me.  Its part of PTSD which is not only for people that have seen war.  Its the 9/11 survivors. Cops, Doctors, Nurses, Families.  The list is long and most have a form of it.  I was called stupid by family members because I’m dyslexic.  Fat because I weight 92 pounds in 2nd grade. ‘Sped.’ In school because I had to get help learning.  Come to find out I have an IQ of 180 tested by the state of Massachusetts.
Then more labels get placed on you as you go through life.  Had my First wife say I was a complete and total disappointment to her.  I was under a doctors care.  Because  I would get in a car and drive and wonder how I got some place.  And she said that on more than one occasion.
Get over that. Then have a girl friend that nothing would ever work.  She would have an issue you would give her a way to fix it to a reply of.  But then there is this and 5 other things.  You fix them and low and behold there are 5 more.  One night she asked me why I stopped helping I said ” because no matter how often I help you fix it. You say “it wont work because.” After we had broken up I was her room mate till a place could open up for me.  Fixing her stairs I said  “What do you think?  Think it will work?”  To a reply of ” No “.  I had little to lose at this point. I snapped I said, ” just once it would be great if you thing some thing would not work you have an idea to what will..”
Now that being said She has come a long way.  She is still my best friend and one of my largest supporters.  She asked me to forgive my self and be great.  Yes I was touched.
So here we are, 49 years old.  The chains are off.  I have a plan to work and to work the plan.   If part of the plan fails.  So be it, I’m a former Marine have a back up plan because the Miss Fortune is a nasty bytch.  So here we go.  I’m breaking the chains that I have placed on me.  I have been forgiven.  and I’m forgiving my self.   I wont fly at first I have no doubt on that.  But I cant give up.  I want to be great.  Will the world know my name.  Nope.  Will my world of friends be proud of me.  I can hope.  Will I allow my self to succeed we will see.  Can I stop.  Nope.  I have to many people that see greatness.  Who am I to let them down.

To push or to stand pat

mental

I have mental illness.  I have depression, ptsd and Survivors Guilt.  Its a strain on all my relationships.  Friends, lovers and even family members that just don’t understand.   You cant slap a Band-Aid on a cut but your soul bleeds.  You can set a broken mind like you set a broken bone.  I have a poker coach Nick Whitehall and he has coached many poker players and has helped hundreds and hundreds of people with their game.   One of the things he teaches is to notice tendencies in people you play against but also tendencies you your self have in your game.  Funny I started to use this off table and started to notice things in my day to day life with my Illness.  I have this a few days that I sink in to this quiet.  I call it I cave up like Dragons do.  I leave the lights off and close out the world and on the 3rd day I want to scream and cry over what I have lost. Not what my come not that last night I took first place in a Poker tournament to win my way in to a bigger tournament.  That with time and study and coaching I have improved.  Now that I can watch the wsop or wpt and marvel at the moves and the plays that are made and understand why.  Nope just the bad beats the loves I have lost and the wanting to go home.  But this time is different I see the tendencies.  I see the pattern.  I guess I’m learning to think to see things differently its taken a long time but  the Gray, a Vampire and a woman I call Mum have finally started to sink in.  I’m a person with mental illness not a Mental illness with a person.

So this is Christmas…..

 

sad

SO THIS is Christmas. . and another year over, but we still have fear… I sit alone and I’m trapped in my head. I’m alone because myself and some one never talked. My anger and well my pushing them away as to not get taken by my metal illness. I feel its like a cold and you can spread it, I know its not that way. I’m not typhoid Mary but that’s how it feels. They have that stunning smile and a glow about them, in some ways I’m glad. Other ways I only wish I could see that look one last time over me. So I start to mold new armor from the scraps of old. A new defense if you will. I read a picture post about some one that tried to commit suicide and found he wanted to kill what happen not him self. I understand that. Everyday I want to get a do over but that’s not this life. We don’t always get over things. Not everything happens for a reason to make is stronger. In those cases we have to carry them, not get over them. To the young lady with the dog.  Don’t take it back others have given up on it don’t add to it’s pain she can help you heal. I hurt, I get up I try, I fail but some times I win. We fall down to learn to get back up. Fall 5 times get up 6. Don’t give the illness the satisfaction of winning. I got this. We got this. So yes this is Christmas, Yule, Hanukkah, add Yours in here (____). Give your self a gift and for one day let it go. If not a Day then 8 hours, if not then 3 hour, or 1 hour or hell 5 mins. and build from there. You got this.

VENTING

I need to vent a moment. we have 22 vets a day deciding to end their lives .  But what is one of the larger news……… Coffee cups. yes Coffee cups.  So in essence. A disposable cup you have for 2 hours max in your day is worth more than a Human Life. .  It’s not us that’s wrong its the outside world i swear it is. .  your Theological view is wonderful i wont bring up mine.  Maybe if ptsd, depression, bipolar and suicide  from the later gets talked about as much as a red cup maybe just maybe we wont feel like Lepers.

Will We be ok??????

Rainas DragonThere is a little girl and she has her Dragon.  The Dragon is feared by many, is unlikeable and has many scares.  The Dragon found the little girl is a place that had many wonderful things to see.  Also many nasty and horrible places also.  The little girl lived in a home that she was unloved and treated badly.  She was a slave and could see no way to be free.  The Dragon came to give the little girl strength and love.  The little girl found the courage to stand up to the troll and force him out.  As time went by the little girl grew up.  It was time for the Dragon to fly once again. So the little girl sent the Dragon away to find happiness.  The Dragon was sad  but moreover he was proud of the fact he has saved the little girl.  To give some one a chance to be free and to love is the greatest thing a Dragon could do.  The little girl still talks to the Dragon.  Still calls to him, still love the Dragon.  In time may call the Dragon home.  Till then she know she has a Dragon.

There is a Little boy scared lonely.  He finds a Vampire cold and aloof, hiding in a dark castle.  The little boy knocks and knocks till the Vampire come out to send him a way.  The little boy scared and lonely would not leave. The Vampire grows to love the little boy and has him move in.  Over time the little boy becomes bratty.  The Vampire becomes busy.  They each try to get the others attention but they each fail.  Till one day the little boy being a brat opens a window.  Sun light shines on the heart that was theirs.  The sun shatters the heart and the Vampire send the boy away.  The Boy sit out side the castle wanting to go back in.  There is another in the castle with the Vampire now.  The Vampire loves the little boy. Talks to the little boy.  But loves another boy.  So someday the little boy may go back in the castle only time will tell.  The Vampire says ” I will always love you, Little one.”  The little boy put on a brave front but once again.  He is cold and lonely and misses the days of Wine and roses. The Vampire will always be there for the little boy. But the little boy will no longer be able to hold her hand or touch her.

This is the two sides to the same story.  We all have different personas.  The Bratty boy is also the Dragon.  The Vampire is the Little Girl.  The view is different but still the same outcome.  Kiss good morning, Hug often. Talk.  A sad little boy/girl misses their Vampire/Dragon.