And from the Darkest places Kindness is found

Raina 4A DARK NIGHT MARESept1,2014 till Nov 3rd 2015

Who knows what evil lurks in the hearts of men?

Opening to the Radio show “the shadow”

I hate people not a person but people.  What is the different you ask.  Well people are heard animals, reactionary, with a mob mentality, a group think if you will.  A person has independent thought, Ideals, can feel and even has compassion.   The pictures above are of two woman I know. there is one is of me.  The women are all dark, gothic and breathtakingly beautiful.  Each have shown me kindness one I will never meet in person ( well one says never say never) one I dated.  They all have smiled at a stranger and lifted his hopes.  One was gliding down an escalator at Macy’s when My heart stopped.  As stated many time I’m a large ball of arrogant, harsh asshole, with a thin candy coating of charming. The last picture is of me from Sept. 1st 2014 till now Nov. 3rd 2015   I have lost 18 inches and 78 pounds. .   I would grow it all back if I could go back in time for 24 hours and tell MYSELF what the future holds for him.  That would be me being kind to my self.  I still call my self a Fat man,  I tell my self I’m stupid for what I have done. I’m a loser for losing Raina the best thing I ever had.  Hell I could bring my self up on charges for slander. If I was Married to my self I could get a divorce for verbal abuse.  The woman in the pictures have shown more kindness than I have shown my self. For full disclosure one will from time to time say ” that’s great But you still…. ” it’s a left-handed compliment that she is working on stopping.   Kali Noir Diamond a gothic model that have every right to just say “thank you” and never give it a second thought.  What she did, chatted, smiled and gave a kind word to a strange. The Beautiful woman at Macy’s did not have to have lunch with me but she did.  She did not have to invite me to make a life with her but she did.  All acts of kindness to a person that self-abuse.

Who knows what evil lurks in the hearts of men? The Dragon knows!”,

I’m trying hard to stop but I fail. .  a lot . .  I keep trying. . I have started telling friends to stop with the negative help also. .  when I want to think about what if I had done this different….. LET ME for a  min it lessens the pain.. Don’t keep hammering home will did you ever think your meant to be here now so you can grow. .  Yes I think of that often.  So from the Darkest places of the Goth world Three Gothic woman bent over to make an wounded Dragon smile and stand back up.


In plain site for no one see’s the shadows


Dragon where have been all my life?

The Dragon’s reply…In plain site for no one see’s the shadows…..

A Dragon of the shadows sits on a wall staring at the full moon. Mumbles “I wonder if she sees the same moon as I do from her distant land???” He still mourns the death a tiny cry echo’s against the stone of the castle walls.  A scream is heard from time to time.  A petulant rant form a scared little boy.   Raymond screams “The dreams scare me the ghost keep me awake.” Raymond’s rant is never-ending ” The Dragon GOD that thinks of no one but him self…”. The child’s words cut at him cut deeper than any sword ever could.  The touch that would quell the child is no longer here.  As the Dagon is lost with voices and echo’s he does not here the approach of second Dragon A indigo blue mountain dragon.   The mountain Dragon Speaks ” So will this be a long painful morning, you could just kill your self or better yet you could take what you learned and Live. You need to make a choice because you can’t do all three”  and silently wings away.   The Shadow Dragon whispers ” I truly hate you”.  The mountain Dragon circles and roars back ” I know’  that’s why we are always there for each other.   The Shadow Dragon taps a Claw thinking.  Looks at the moon again. A tear rolls down his cheek.  And off in the distance is a dark light messages are dropped and sent back.  maybe its time to see what’s out there.  A Shade of beauty and change.   They say they like the Dragon. Want to message the Dragon and maybe talk to the Dragon. .  and the winters chill seems to break a little.  A slight smile can be seen on the Dragon face.  Till the screams and voices and echo’s return but they seem not as loud………………..


Why do Dragon’s Tears burn like acid you ask

the hurting

For too long now, there were secrets in my mind
For too long now, there were things I should have said
In the darkness…I was stumbling for the door
To find a reason – to find the time, the place, the hour

Waiting for the winter sun, and the cold light of day

The Tears of the Dragon – Bruce Dickinson

Dragons tears. . . burn like acid why you will ask…  There is a myth that all dragons breathe fire this is not true.  Are breath does burn but not all is fire.  Great reds bellow fourth fire. Black dragons and Shadow dragons exhale poison that burns the eyes skin and lungs.  Blue and Mountain dragons discharge great bolts of lightning that burn also.  and the Icy and White dragons breath a blast of cold that will burn with a bitter cold to name a few…..

The tears of a dragon are always an acid that is the poison we revive on a daily hourly minutely bases.  Creatures look at us and marvel at the size the power the strength.  The words and weapons used against us do little to the ancient ones scar the old and will cut and harm the young and adolescent.  To become ancient you have taking all the slings and arrows and absorbed them and melted theme down and the words you here becomes the catalyst to make the acid for the tear.  We hear all the words, we remember all the hate, the anger against us. The hurt and hate that we cause echoing in our hearts minds and ears.  and it becomes an acid the can not be counter acted it is worse than any acid man can conceive.  Druids rage against us, Elves tread gently near us humans fear us and vampires mistrust us (some love us)((some both at the same time)). So when the tears of a dragon fall do your best to stay clear.  For the acid is so strong its been known to dissolve the strong bonds of all Love and Friendship.  In very small amounts

You’re Not Me . . but thank you for your Opinion

rise_of_the_shadow_dragon female-vampire-art-vampire-hunter

It is better to be violent, if there is violence in our hearts, than to put on the cloak of nonviolence to cover impotence.” – Mahatma Gandhi quote

There are people who I like, sum I love and some I would not Piss on if they where on fire.  My circle of friends is very small 8 just enough for a full ring of Texas Hold’em.  I hear things like..

” You need to just walk away..”  You need to cut all ties”  “You are  just slowing your progress…”  “you’re only hurting your self”

Thank you for your view and I will take it under advisement.  I have made it out of hells that some movies would like to put up on the big screen.  Bad marriages, The Corp.  I live and I breath, I have battle scars, I have nightmares,  I have Raymond, but the strongest thing I have is Dragon(me).

….Good men, the last wave by, crying how bright
Their frail deeds might have danced in a green bay,
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

Wild men who caught and sang the sun in flight,
And learn, too late, they grieved it on its way,
Do not go gentle into that good night….

Dylan Thomas, 19141953

I needed to show my self I could step away, I did not need to read or look for a message.  I could have a life.  I’M A GEEK,JOCK,WISE ASS DEAL WITH IT WORLD.  Its funny I one day sent a text to a Gothic Modal.  Funny thing we became friends.  What do you know.  As we talk the ugly American with body image issues talking to the woman the camera loves.  It clicked I had started to become sheep, I had no independent thought.  I was in lock step with the culture of thin is in and you don’t know what’s good for you we do.  I love my friends from the starched Brit to the beautiful Vampire, From the Stead fast Ranger to the heroic Paladin and all in-between.  See they make up my window unto my world.  I thank them, but they’re not me.  I will listen and see their side, their point of view.  I can’t live my life by their standards I have to live by mine.  My standards say I will text, email, talk to who I want.  With the understanding of this. I like them in my life, not need, not must have, but some times I want to talk to some one that I miss.  Is that so wrong?  I’m me, I’m harsh, snarly, cheeky, mean-spirited, and also deep caring and willing to help.  So I will life the 6 inches in front of my face as I see fit I hope you all under stand.


The devil you know

This is what we all must face.  Devil, Demon, Angel, Dragon, or Vampire.  The say the Devil was cast out from Heaven.   OK.  Now its funny a Pagan that prays to 3 ( 2 Goddess and a God) would start this with a thought like this.  I know what and who I am.  I’m a mental shop of horrors, I have many issues.  “;” this is my touch stone if you have no idea what it is Google the Semicolon movement.  I am a raging asshole of sarcasm, and snide comments.   Few I will give a kind word to, fewer yet will I allow to get close.  The ones that do all become Devils in their own way.  All are well-meaning, all with good intentions.  The path to hell is paved with good intentions.  I wait for “Morning _______”  from two people one I send a message of “Alive” to and one I chat with.  Which one means more?  AH there is the rub they are different people who hold different sway in my life.  The one the gets the chat is special in a different way than the one that gets the “alive” message.  I know skeletons in a lot of closets.  I know of secrets that can never be shared.   So the Devils I know for now I will keep.  They will change forms, sometimes will wear halos over a Vampire form.  All the while I have started bricking my self back into my cave not because I’m depressed but to heal.  To stop the cycle of pain that the good intentions bring.  Sadly I with draw from the world and close this side of my cave.  I will delve deeper in to my darkness and look for an endurance to the sky I will fly again in and feel the sun on my skin and do a Dragon dance on a distant hill where only I will be.  Knowing that this dance has been seen by only 2 others.  I miss people I pushed away.  I long for years gone by.  I will always miss “her”  it is what it is.  IF you’re truly my friend you will under stand if you’re not….. Sorry for your luck I will be who I am not to please you, but to be me.   long ago I let the world tell me who I was.  A jock and could never show I was smart.  Yesterday a person who is a beautiful model who’s pictures are loved my thousands asked me if when I get her Print if I would send her a picture of me holding the Print…… I asked why Your beautiful and I’m Chubby.  She said You may be chubby but that does not make you Ugly.   Life has changed for me,  as I sit here its all a layer of dust over a burnt wasteland.  Perspective what is there is a clean slate that the winds of change will blow away the dust leaving open ground and places to plant and to let things grow.  I will plant a Grove of roses and trees in memories of people in the past like a park to visit and remember.  As for now there is a slight breeze that is starting to move the dust.  I need to let it. I need to move and not block the wind…… We are all born as many men and we die as a single one……


Jessica, Henry’s Secretary:
Mr. Turner, what’s wrong?

Well, I had enough. So I said when.

Regarding Henry {1991}

Do you know the term 1000 yard stair.  The term dead inside.  That’s me. There is one woman in this world I love and will forever love.  Her name need not be typed here for she knows who she is.  I told her today that we can’t text, call, or email. She can text me in the morning I will reply alive.  That’s it.  It came to that, we both would argue and strike in works.  We would see who could hurt the other never mean to but we would subconsciously.. we did.   I’m the walking dead.   am I suicidal.. .no.  Would I care if I die this moment no.  I’m the walking dead.  I love her as I said that will never change.  I guess I do feel something.  Anger and hate.  We displace it on the other for we know what we did to the other but the fingers get pointed and the dishes get broken.  Then at one point some one say ” I can’t talk to you any more” and the replay is “OK”. . OK….. that’s it two letters  a love that moved mountains.  Saved us from a life of hell.  Is summed up with ok.  Shrugs  so that’s how it ends not with a crash or a bang or the slamming of a door. . . “OK” . . . In a few weeks I may call her, tell her to have her snack.  Ask about our Dogs.  I don’t know as with any recovery its day by day.  I will stay up as always to see 12:01am to know I have seen another day. I will know I have the strength to do it again after a 4 hour sleep of the dead with no dreams.  just black.  little slices of death.  I can go days with no sleep. 4 day with a 3 hours nap every 20 hours and I could function.  Done it may time.   So as Dragon scrubs the stain off the wall of the castle.  Raymond screams and pounds his fist against the scale hide. NO, NO YOU CANT TAKE THE LAST OF HER FROM ME.  He scrubs the pain and the hurt all the time dying in side.  He loves her he misses her, he wants her back.  One last echo trapped in a bottle of “I LOVE YOU DRAGON” for when the demons are clawing at the door. The voices scream in my head.  I can stop in hale and hear her say “ I love you my Dragon.”……. OK……….

A new wind is blowing

A silent scream

“It is better to be violent, if there is violence in our hearts, than to put on the cloak of non-violence to cover impotence.”
– Mahatma Gandhi

Have you ever seen a person do a silent scream.   Its gut twisting, scary, sad, and hopeless all rolled in to one neat little silence.  I scream ever day a silent scream because no one is here. Today it slipped out. I screamed as my friend watched helpless.  I screamed I wanted to go home to be someplace I could not go.  Funny thing I have 3 homes and NONE of them I can go to.  So my silent scream was heard. I have seen a silent scream.  How can you see a silent scream?.  Some one I was very close with has a stroke and could no longer cry.  But left was the actions not the sound the stroke had taken that…  I fear very little Death is not a fear its a want of mine but that is for a different story.  My fear is to be trapped in my mind unable to speak or write, to communicate.  That is my true fear. to be the living dead to be seen and pitied.   I lost a love that was so deep so pure that it was magical.  I pushed her away because of self hate.  I wanted her to go and save her self from what I was becoming.  She did.  The day it ended I was numb.  As time has passed I see what it was and have promised her to lock it a way, the pain.  Stop looking for the man on the grassy knoll.  Stop looking for reasons to hurt myself and is some cases her.   This is my release of the bad mojo, this last bit of poison that has tainted my heart.  I’m giving up the last 10%.  I not longer fight with guns, swords, knives.  For I have learned that words cut so much cleaner and deeper and leave wounds that fester worse than any poison.   They also can heal and mend.  this is my new path to heal and to mend..  I have one wish to die in the arms of my best friend. So when I close my eyes here I will have that vision to carry me home.  To rolling hills of wheat, apple trees and grapes.   I had silent scream and some one was here to hear it.  So to the universe I write these words out.  I will no longer look to use the past for pain.  I will enjoy the silly things we did.  The concerts. The Fairs. The  fun that was and look forward.  To what futures may come.  20 years from now I will not be sad for what I did not do.  Because I now can and want to.

yes… But


I have PTSD, Depression, and survivors guilt.. So yes I’m a mental horror show that few have ever dared to view up-close and personal.  It’s not that I want to relive the past I just can’t stop reliving the past.  If you have these issues you understand. If you don’t it sound oh so stupid.  I get it, I really do.  I tend to be harsh and unyielding.  I sometimes try to build some people up most times its works. Sometimes you run head long in to someone you love but they’re the ” yes . . . But….” person.   I have known many over my life, some see it after awhile some don’t.  They say the greatest most uplifting things then add that extra little bit to kick you back down.  Do they mean to.  Sometimes yes, sometimes no. It can be a charter trait, It is sometimes a learned response do to life and people.  Here is the rub at what point does your love for the person and the need not to get punched back down become unbalanced.  Just typing that sounds so wrong.  It’s like a Christopher Titus line. “hey can you call my phone so I can record it and play it back to show you how stupid you sound…”.    We love who we love, J.Geils Says it best ” you love her she loves some one else…”.  There are many things that I could but here for examples. that’s not fair of me.  All truth is relative pick one that works.  I say that a lot.  It fits this.  Their truth is that they don’t think its wrong to do it. Your truth is that its hurts.  If I love you, I love you. If I don’t, I don’t. If I hate you I wont piss on you if you’re on fire.  I still take calls from people who have tossed me from their life and now after a stroke they don’t remember all.  I wont talk to an Aunt because I have no use for her.  I’m Pagan and I have a love for some that will never change.  There are two out there that know this in spades.  I guess I write this so that maybe just maybe the universe will hear this.  Maybe just maybe it will in some way sway the cycle.  The vail it thin in the fall.  We see and feel things we don’t at any other time of the year. The dead can speak to us if you listen.  They leave notes and reminders. They can help the most at this time of year.  My best friend and I need to stop the knife dance.  The palming a blade as we hug each other.  We need to lift the other up with the love that is still there its has changed yes.  She will always be the love of my life. Will always hold my heart save in the chest that is of our memories. The saying its better to Love and lost then never to have loved at all.  Its crap. In many ways. In one way. I’m a much better person for loving her and touching true love than I could ever be with out that.  My Vampire Queen of the Ice castle,  the year and a day lasted 6 years 5 more than any one could hope. So I say thank you.   This is not the time for a Thank you. But…..

A poetic view


I have been told I paint people sometimes to be the worst people in the world.  I talk about what they have said or done. I take no poetic license.  None of my writings come with a warning “based on a true story” IE: a beautiful mind.  I have had the worst things said to me by people who love me.  So today I’m taking my blog and telling the world in a Poetic license about some of my friends:

The first is a British woman: She has the strength  not often seen.  She can be harsh, unyielding and out spoken. She is also kind and motherly she found me living in a garage and had me move in to her home and started my healing process.  She taught me a love of cooking, and how to bake cakes so she could put artwork on them.  Is never misses a morning sweetie.  She is always here with a hand up. She is now and will always Be…. Well that’s for me to call her not the world to know.

The Ranger : He speaks little and talks less.  He saw every thing has no open emotions and could stare down snake.  that’s what the world see’s what I see is a man in pain a man who misses his one true love.  He looks but done not find. He observes but does not see.  He has brains but uses them for his own means never to help out the unworthy.  I have seen him smile as the world crumbles and get misty over the a memory.  He will befriend someone who thinks they are the reason for someone’s misery. All he said was that is why pencils have  erasers.

Last but by no means least:  The Vampire Queen of the Ice castle.  She can walk by a person that is close to a deep depression and not say a word. Not offer a hand up or a hug.   That’s what is projected.  What is she like on the inside. She is a lost little girl. Soft and damaged. She has issues of trust and a heart that wants to love but she is a bad judge of people (my self included) She knelt down and lifted me up. She changed her life for the Dragon that is me. She change her life for me and in that moment she changed my life.  She taught me to be kind to be willing to talk to be open to the right person.  We are not together at this time but is many ways we are. We talk we text and that’s all one can ask for.  The path we had headed down was one of total carnage.  We both knew we had to end it was not the time for us. In the future who knows we are not there.  The kindest thing she ever said to me ” You gave me my life back, and now its time for me to give you back yours”  the Harshest thing was ” when we started  my world was you. then you Shattered my heart 3 times” She is now and always will be the love of my life. She can be harsh uncaring and can cut your heart out and watch you die.She can be the kindest and most giving woman. It’s because of me that the woman can be cold and calculating for that I’m sorry but she needed that side to survive with the heart that she has.  If I ever have the honor to be her world again I wont let her ever question what my motives are or if I love her.