Sometimes the pain gets to a point that you really don’t care who will be hurt or up set. Then the why did they not say anything. They tried but you where busy. They want to but they had to run.
They tell you when they text a lot or leave voice mail.
See they are reaching out because they texted or left a voice mail or text their using your love for them to get them through one more hour. They want to talk at you to prove the voices wrong.
So when you see a lot of text or voicemail their fighting the voices and it’s a bloody fight. You hear on the voice mail hey hope your having a great evening means I’m under attack. If they say they love you 37x’s the fight is getting worse…… IF this happens and its not your psychotic ex.
The first question should be “are you ok” not “what the fuck!”
Different view
How Do You Live in the Moment in the Silence?
Ashes to ashes and dust to dust the reaper calls on all of us, return the smile. Take his hand. you’re on your way home and a friend has your hand.
A friend told me that I need to forgive my self for my past. I was like but I was the one that was abused. I was the one that got hurt. I was….. And there it was “I”. Not me. You will say well the use of “I” is proper when talking about ones self. Yes it is but “I” is also selfish it tunnels the scope of what the issue is. I did not say, ” I cant love you any more I love some one else”. I Did not say ” I treat you badly because I know you will keep coming back.”. I was not that one that would wait till I was off with my grand father, so I would not have to deal with the crying. I’m the one stuck with the pain and memories. I’m the one left with all the memories. Memories that a war movie could not put on film because it would get an X rating.
An ego and a superego walk into a bar.
The bartender says “I’ll have to see some id
My Brother never uses the word/letter I. Its the strangest thing. I think I’m finally understanding. There is no I there is only the event. I love my former girlfriend. No not in the lets get naked in the shower love. Love of two people that have been through hell and all we had was each other then. She said to me ” I was watching you die slowly on my couch. I love you to much to watch that. You need to go and get your life. You gave me mine back. Now it’s time to return the favor,”. We still talk I released her from all but one promise we made to each other. When I die she has to dress as the grim reaper and stand at my casket. Her reply is ” I’m going to be the Shortest Reaper ever.” my reply is ” I had a Short life”.
We all try to fix the past we all try to change what happen. I’m sorry may make the person saying it feel better but that is about it. We all have things we have done that we want to change. You can’t. I have said this many times. Time is human made it effects nothing. Crops don’t grow by humans timelines. Crops grow when its time you can force them but a green house tomato and a garden tomato taste different. I cant take back the words I have said to people. I cant change what shitty things I have done in my life. I can take each moment as it comes and as for the past. That moment is gone never to happen again. two hugs tomorrow does not make up for the one missed today. A missed date is an event that now MAY never happen because you missed the moment.
I’m scared to live. I’ve listened to all the people say. You are nothing and will be nothing you don’t have anything. But that’s wrong I’ve got this moment.
Many people follow this blog. I have said most of these things in others blogs. You see life is a puzzle, not every time you hear or read something does it fit the puzzle AT THAT MOMENT. One day, in one single moment it will fit and it will slide into place.
OH and the joke in the middle is not really a joke its what we all deal with every day. The ego and the superego make up you ID.
it make up who you are and if you don’t like who you are one of them or both need to change and that will change you ID. who-you- are.
NO ONE CAN MAKE YOU HAPPY UNTIL YOU DO THIS….
Hurry up before you go and get old
Hurry up before your blood runs cold
None of us were ever meant to stay
We’re all gonna find out one dayYou see life’s too short to run it like a race
So it’s never gonna matter if you win first place
‘Cause we’re all the same
Shinedown- Special
When you live your life for years with horrors form the past you start to grow cold. When you join the military you are trained to end peoples lives. You start to see targets not people. You lose the humanity ( some do I’m one of them). You start longing for the grave. The silence, the end of the pain. The release of memories because you make life a special kind of hell for you and people you touch. Cops, Snipers, specially trained operators, and the ass in the grass Grunts. All are damaged to a point. They look at life differently because some start to have a hard time connecting to the living because they see so much bad. The horrors of the underside of life. It changes all of them. Some never show it. But its there the shine of there eyes are dulled and they may seam happy but if you look closely at their eyes they’re haunted. The first time your in a fire fight you just react no time to be scared just fire back and HOLD your ground till you can’t. Even then some wont leave they will stay so others can get out of the area. If your one that gets out you take a head count and find out your one or two short. You die a little inside. You where just laughing with them 15 mins ago. Eating chow with them. Hearing their memories of that special some one they where retelling for the 30th time. Them missing moms biscuits. You remember their dreams for post combat. How they have plan and dreams and families. After awhile some remember that the people they terminated also had families. And that YOU took them from their families. You played god you ended their time here. You had them throw off there mortal coils. You now have that albatross around your neck. You start to worry if your to damaged to be good for any one. If they can take the nights you cant sleep. The nights you ghost the house. The times you get lost with a smell, a sound, a memory triggered by something unassuming. All this goes through your head. You worry that if you love them can they love you. With all the repressed memories just waiting to show back up at the wrong times. So you start to push them away you subconsciously or maybe consciously push them away. You want them to stay but you just think your just to damaged. I’m there now. Do I let people in or keep them out. I know the truth I should just let them decide. Ya that is one thing I need to learn. A friend of mine gave me a piece of advice. I asked them a question and they replied. See that’s called my shit and you don’t need to be in my shit. I wont get in to yours, you stay out of mine. I’m learning that.
Sometimes it’s not something that you can control, or put your finger on why you do it. Sometimes it just is what it is. In poker your always told to trust your gut. Its that scratch in the back of your head, a feeling that something is wrong. To be able to let someone in to your life. You need to trust your gut. To trust and allow your self the time to heal you. No one can make someone else happy. You need to allow your self the time to fix and love your self. If not then no one or nothing will make you truly happy. Being happy with one’s self is the only way to be free enough to be happy with some one else.
Knocked down 7 times get up 8 times
-
-
-
LIFE TO BE CONTINUED
-
-
Ever have a Feeling you just can’t let go……
Finger prints we leave
“Taking You Own Life. Interesting Expression — Taking It From Who? Once It’s Over, It’s Not You Who’ll Miss It. Your Own Death Is Something That Happens To Everybody Else. Your Life Is Not Your Own. Keep Your Hands Off It.”
Why we want what we can’t have

- “Oh he’ll be different with me”.
- “She would be different you will see”.
- “Others they don’t see what I see”.
- any of this ringing a Fucking bell for you???
- ” I have never loved any one like I love them before.”
- Pssst you said that to the last one
- also you can’t love different people the same way, because their DIFFERENT PEOPLE
- ” They have changed from when we first met.”
- Ya think, they’re older, their diction has changed that’s is about all.
- The rain fell, the torrents raged, and the winds blew and beat against that house; yet it did not fall, because its foundation was on the rock. Matthew 7:26.
- But everyone who hears these words of Mine and does not act on them is like a foolish man who built his house on sand. Matthew 16:18
Because That’s who I am
The Roads we travel. . .
My brother never changes. His form does, his job may, his looks and even some times his voice but he does not. He does not talk after a death he carries on. He will have a time to reflect and remember but he will move on quickly. After a War, death, long trip, its no questions its to bath and to sleep. To escape for a time form people and duties he has to perform. He in a senses is my Mycroft. The older Brother that has all the answers. The one that guides. I the Homes, a junkie that gets off figuring out the why. Why someone says hugs for the world to see, when they love someone else. A few times a year he leaves and I’m alone. It’s hard to start with but as each day happens to come and go I under stand me more. He is him, I am me. Him Superman for the world to see, Me batman the detective always trying to find the “why”.
When You Snap……
That moment. There comes a moment when things just snap. Your whole perception changes. That happened today when my room mate was doing laundry and I was doing dishes and we both fit in the same spot. I’m no longer fat I’m large but not fat.
Now some will say ok so what. No matter how many times he tells me. No matter how close he parks and I still could get in the car. It did not hit me till just now.
I’m having a really bad day. It started when I got up. I started to do what I use to do on Sundays. Which was cook. In my old life Sundays would be cooking and yard day. I get up and start coffee and food. She would get up some time later. As we would eat breakfast I would have stock simmering or things cooking for the week or freezer.
That was then, over a year ago and today it hit me as I was making a Chili and started a chicken soup. I had just started and thought oh do I have storage for this. Then it started to creep in. Your alone, She is gone. Yes, yes she is. Married for a year to a man and she is happy as never before.
I’m glad for her I really am. It eats at me some. The words we all say. “I will never leave you behind.” “We can make it through any thing.” Time has a way of eroding the words, feelings, and meaning behind them. There was things we should have said, and did not. Things we should have done but did not. We should have been honest and open and we where not.
Some people are serial cheaters and cheating is as defined
- :to deprive of something valuable by the use of deceit or fraud
- :to influence or lead by deceit, trick, or artifice
- :to elude or thwart by or as if by outwitting cheat death
- :to practice fraud or trickery
- :to violate rules dishonestly cheat at cards cheating on a test
- :to be sexually unfaithful usually used with on was cheating on his wife
Emotional Cheating is Different:
- What is the definition of emotional infidelity? It’s an emotional connection with someone of the opposite sex that you keep a secret from your spouse, says Peggy Vaughan, author of The Monogamy Myth: A Personal Handbook for Recovering from Affairs. Basically, emotional affairs occur when one partner is channeling physical or emotional energy, time and attention into someone other than the person they are in a committed relationship with to the point that their partner feels neglected.
The issue is Its a drug. Love has the same effect. the pain the loss the issue is the same. What’s not the same is that you cant go to rehab for being addicted to some one or to a false love.
I want to go home. and this is the test I think. I’m going home ether way. Just I would like to go home with out the baggage I owe it to them both. Most of all I owe it to me. Me.. who is that ……