” TWENTY YEARS FROM NOW……”
Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things you didn’t do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bowlines. Sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover.Author some say Mark Twain. some say no…
” Learn’d that all on your own did ya?”
Ok so yesterday was not a great day. Had doubts about my poker game. Was ready to throw it all in the trash, get a job and die from boredom. My brother ( roommate ) said well then do it. Stepping back I thought he was all ways my biggest supporter, what mind trick was he playing here, ” these are not the droids we are looking for..” style. Then we start the real conversation. He asks What 2+2=? and I’m like well in most mathematical states its 4 but its all in the equation and what form of math and how you write it out. After noticing the stare of ” are you done”. I stopped and said Ok what am I missing. The whole question he said. At this point I’m lost. He says you have 2 major issues and you need to fix them and fix them fast because life is right out there.
Your issues are mainly 2 things:
1: you hate to lose. You don’t know how to lose gracefully, and then learn from it. In my head I say well I lost my girlfriend, my dog, my home. I lost jobs, a wife, ECT. Yes but I never learned to lose, then understand, and then move on. I lose, dwell and finally one day I look up. life has changed and I have no idea how I got here.
2: And worst of all you have answers before you know the Equation. You don’t try to do the work you just jump to an answer that fits and run with it.
The last one even as I sit here and write this out I see it more and more. There is a process and in some cases people use past experiences to foretell the answer. This is wrong. As I type this out my mind is now flooding with things and how it has effected every relationship I have ever had.
I asked my former Girlfriend one night as she is laying hands on my knee to help reduce the pain. Would you rather be loved or wanted? I asked because earlier that day I saw and article about how women want to be wanted more than loved.
Her answer and the answers of most of my women friends shocked me. Yes I’m a male so keep your sexist jokes to your self. This is not the time for that. Most said wanted. yes they wanted to be wanted more than loved.
I woke early to get some sun on my face. The days are getting shorter, so I thought I should try to get some in. the words of last night ringing in my head how I had 2 major issues and so I revisited this question I just posed a few lines back. I found this article its not all of it but its a chunk and the author’s book was also added for your own reading.
Dr. Eisendrath says: “Wanting to be wanted is about finding our power in an image rather than a in our own actions.” It’s inextricably linked to male gaze: we do not see ourselves, or other women, as we are — we see ourselves through lens of men’s desires and expectations.
Wanting to be wanted isn’t a defining characteristic of womanhood as Lacan, a famous and infamously sexist psychotherapist posited – it’s just what happens to women in a world where we have never been allowed to be powerful. We are not expected to want pleasure — we are expected to be pleasing. That’s how we get our likes, that’s how we’re “favorited” when we’re offline. Then we go like hungry ghosts to Facebook to collect more, especially if we’re not getting enough from the people who are supposed to love us.
We sacrifice so much in order to be liked — to be good girlfriends, good wives, good mothers and friends. We do this so often it becomes normative, even though it’s a pathology. Then we are angry, resentful, out of touch with our bodies, dead inside. Our libido can wither away after years of not feeding it what it truly desires.
- Reading books like Ms. Young-Eisendrath’s and the seminal “What Do Women Want: Adventures in the Science of Female Desire” by Daniel Bergner can offer a fresh start and intellectual immersion in your relationship to your desire.
So how does this work with my 2 issues. It in a way answers both. I, like most men thought woman wanted to be love and that was enough. NOOOOOOOPPPPEEE ( Lana for Archer Reference ). So instead of doing the equation out I just inserted the answer. Time after time after time. You get the point. So here we are. Life is right out there inches away. The 6 inches in front of your face that’s life. So at this point I have really only 2 choices
1: do nothing and have the results be the same. What’s the Definition of insanity, ” ‘Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.’ – Albert Einstein”
2: Change. Take each hand, relationship, person, situation, as an independent equation. Factor in the variables and come to the conclusion doing the work not inserting the answer.
This I can start today and will I fall into old habits? sometimes but to try and to fail is to live. We fall to learn to get back up. Can I make a living playing poker? We will soon see. In my head I have to think yes. For the man that says he can and the man that says he cant are both most times right. Be your own self-fulfilling prophecy. I use to have an issues with pocket Queen’s. Always lost. Talked to my poker coach, also friends looking for answers. After being told 30 to 50 times its psychosomatic. One day I just said ya your right. “Learned it all on your own did ya?” Some times you can say something 100 times till some one hears it.
What did I learn. Live in an equation. It have variables, and factors. Inserting an answer does not work. Its the journey not the destination that matters. The answers are always right when you make them its later that all the information is available. Do the work don’t insert answer.
GOOD DAY, BAD DAY, THEY ALL RUN TOGETHER…
You Look Like My Next … Opportunity
- Shock And Denial
- Pain and Guilt
- Depression ( this was around for 9 months and lingers)
- Testing and Reconstruction
1. deserving effort, attention, or respect.
“generous donations to worthy causes”
Fiction Chapter 2: The evil that’s within
Chapter 2 The evil that’s within
I need to vent a moment. we have 22 vets a day deciding to end their lives . But what is one of the larger news……… Coffee cups. yes Coffee cups. So in essence. A disposable cup you have for 2 hours max in your day is worth more than a Human Life. . It’s not us that’s wrong its the outside world i swear it is. . your Theological view is wonderful i wont bring up mine. Maybe if ptsd, depression, bipolar and suicide from the later gets talked about as much as a red cup maybe just maybe we wont feel like Lepers.
Will We be ok??????
There is a little girl and she has her Dragon. The Dragon is feared by many, is unlikeable and has many scares. The Dragon found the little girl is a place that had many wonderful things to see. Also many nasty and horrible places also. The little girl lived in a home that she was unloved and treated badly. She was a slave and could see no way to be free. The Dragon came to give the little girl strength and love. The little girl found the courage to stand up to the troll and force him out. As time went by the little girl grew up. It was time for the Dragon to fly once again. So the little girl sent the Dragon away to find happiness. The Dragon was sad but moreover he was proud of the fact he has saved the little girl. To give some one a chance to be free and to love is the greatest thing a Dragon could do. The little girl still talks to the Dragon. Still calls to him, still love the Dragon. In time may call the Dragon home. Till then she know she has a Dragon.
There is a Little boy scared lonely. He finds a Vampire cold and aloof, hiding in a dark castle. The little boy knocks and knocks till the Vampire come out to send him a way. The little boy scared and lonely would not leave. The Vampire grows to love the little boy and has him move in. Over time the little boy becomes bratty. The Vampire becomes busy. They each try to get the others attention but they each fail. Till one day the little boy being a brat opens a window. Sun light shines on the heart that was theirs. The sun shatters the heart and the Vampire send the boy away. The Boy sit out side the castle wanting to go back in. There is another in the castle with the Vampire now. The Vampire loves the little boy. Talks to the little boy. But loves another boy. So someday the little boy may go back in the castle only time will tell. The Vampire says ” I will always love you, Little one.” The little boy put on a brave front but once again. He is cold and lonely and misses the days of Wine and roses. The Vampire will always be there for the little boy. But the little boy will no longer be able to hold her hand or touch her.
This is the two sides to the same story. We all have different personas. The Bratty boy is also the Dragon. The Vampire is the Little Girl. The view is different but still the same outcome. Kiss good morning, Hug often. Talk. A sad little boy/girl misses their Vampire/Dragon.