October 10th is world mental health day.. if you did not know … You should, many suffer for mental illness I was lucky I have friends/family that under stand. I long to end the pain of this illness. I know my friends have paid for my illness. Some with broken heart some with hurt feelings but they never left me. Some had to break up with me to save them selves but still stayed close and helped me. Today is a day that we need to remember that not every one says I’m going to kill my self. They just do it. Wednesday is called buddy check day if you did time in the service…… I think it should just be a thing you never know what a call will do.
Obsession
I LONG FOR A PLACE AND A WOMAN I HAVE NOT SEEN………
Have you ever missed a place you have never seen. Love a woman you only see when you close your eyes or in a dream. I miss home. I have not seen home in a very long time. You may have already gathered that I don’t see like others see. There are many truths. All truths are relative pick one that works. No its not alternative facts. That is a rues that the smart people play on the stupid. If the word rues stumps you. Its a two step process. step one Google it. step two take your high school English department to court for a shit education. I hurt from morning to night to be home. To see a woman that most would call horrific. Tall, long black hair, long eye teeth, and skin white as death. Her touch as cold as the grave. But I miss her and pine for her gaze and touch. I have unfairly seen another in this image which was wrong on 2 folds. One, I missed loving a wonderful woman for her self. She has found a man that will put her first. Smart man. Two, Its wrong to place ideas of some one else onto someone else. So I here I sit marking time till I get to a place I want to be.
Breaking even the Scripts
I’m still alive but I’m barely breathing
Just prayin’ to a god that I don’t believe in
‘Cause I got time while she got freedom
‘Cause when a heart breaks no it don’t break even
Her best days will be some of my worst
She finally met a man that’s gonna put her first
While I’m wide awake she’s no trouble sleeping
‘Cause when a heart breaks no it don’t break even, even, no
What am I supposed to do when the best part of me was always you,
And what am I supposed to say when I’m all choked up and you’re OK
I’m falling to pieces, yeah,
I’m falling to pieces
They say bad things happen for a reason
But no wise words gonna stop the bleeding
‘Cause she’s moved on while I’m still grieving
And when a heart breaks no it don’t breakeven even, no
So I sit and hurt. Some say by choice some say its because I loved deeply. Ask the one here she would say I never loved any one or any thing. That may be on the extreme. And in truth she would have much more grace than to say any thing like that, most likely. So if you have “THAT ONE” hug them often. Kiss them, tell them you love them. because days go by slow years flyby. So I wait for the trip home. A cold touch a beautiful woman and a List of stuff to fix….
******
Never had to right a explanation to a post but it looks like I have to. It more longing and excepting that what was holding me here from going home is no longer doing it. She may have been my anchor to keep me from where i want to be. But she still has style, grace, love and kindness. She is my friend. I’m glad she has found her one. But i’m out of here and things have started to fix them selves. Poker is going better. I have a Job. I will have my own place and a dog. Not the one I miss but His Mom and sister are the best. So yes it read it again and understand what I’m saying is. Love peace and pizza grease. I’m going home.
When You Snap……
That moment. There comes a moment when things just snap. Your whole perception changes. That happened today when my room mate was doing laundry and I was doing dishes and we both fit in the same spot. I’m no longer fat I’m large but not fat.
Now some will say ok so what. No matter how many times he tells me. No matter how close he parks and I still could get in the car. It did not hit me till just now.
I’m having a really bad day. It started when I got up. I started to do what I use to do on Sundays. Which was cook. In my old life Sundays would be cooking and yard day. I get up and start coffee and food. She would get up some time later. As we would eat breakfast I would have stock simmering or things cooking for the week or freezer.
That was then, over a year ago and today it hit me as I was making a Chili and started a chicken soup. I had just started and thought oh do I have storage for this. Then it started to creep in. Your alone, She is gone. Yes, yes she is. Married for a year to a man and she is happy as never before.
I’m glad for her I really am. It eats at me some. The words we all say. “I will never leave you behind.” “We can make it through any thing.” Time has a way of eroding the words, feelings, and meaning behind them. There was things we should have said, and did not. Things we should have done but did not. We should have been honest and open and we where not.
Some people are serial cheaters and cheating is as defined
- :to deprive of something valuable by the use of deceit or fraud
- :to influence or lead by deceit, trick, or artifice
- :to elude or thwart by or as if by outwitting cheat death
- :to practice fraud or trickery
- :to violate rules dishonestly cheat at cards cheating on a test
- :to be sexually unfaithful usually used with on was cheating on his wife
Emotional Cheating is Different:
- What is the definition of emotional infidelity? It’s an emotional connection with someone of the opposite sex that you keep a secret from your spouse, says Peggy Vaughan, author of The Monogamy Myth: A Personal Handbook for Recovering from Affairs. Basically, emotional affairs occur when one partner is channeling physical or emotional energy, time and attention into someone other than the person they are in a committed relationship with to the point that their partner feels neglected.
The issue is Its a drug. Love has the same effect. the pain the loss the issue is the same. What’s not the same is that you cant go to rehab for being addicted to some one or to a false love.
I want to go home. and this is the test I think. I’m going home ether way. Just I would like to go home with out the baggage I owe it to them both. Most of all I owe it to me. Me.. who is that ……
The bill came due…
Well we gave the finger to British rule 1776. Tonight the people gave the finger to the political rulers. And yes rulers with life long senators and politician. Make over 6+ figures you may have been put on notice. It’s not about you it’s about what you’re willing to give back…. the bill came due and the under class just stood up…. Will this push equal rights back words? Yes. Will Racism rise up? yes….. The issues is change was needed limping on the way it was just did not work. As i type the out Trump is 26 votes away from a lot of peoples worst fears. The ruling class take notices. The underclass will not be swept away. It will not go quietly in to the good night. Welcome to the brave new world. A lot like the old world but with one change the USA has made a choice. CBS news says the Canadian immigration site crashed. dow futures down 600 points. And 4 years to see what will happen. Good night and good luck. Good night chesty where ever you are….
The ROADS WE WALK HAVE DANGERS UNSEEN….
TWO PEOPLE THE SAME ISSUE DIFFERENT ENDS…..
” TWENTY YEARS FROM NOW……”
Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things you didn’t do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bowlines. Sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover.Author some say Mark Twain. some say no…
” Learn’d that all on your own did ya?”
Ok so yesterday was not a great day. Had doubts about my poker game. Was ready to throw it all in the trash, get a job and die from boredom. My brother ( roommate ) said well then do it. Stepping back I thought he was all ways my biggest supporter, what mind trick was he playing here, ” these are not the droids we are looking for..” style. Then we start the real conversation. He asks What 2+2=? and I’m like well in most mathematical states its 4 but its all in the equation and what form of math and how you write it out. After noticing the stare of ” are you done”. I stopped and said Ok what am I missing. The whole question he said. At this point I’m lost. He says you have 2 major issues and you need to fix them and fix them fast because life is right out there.
Your issues are mainly 2 things:
1: you hate to lose. You don’t know how to lose gracefully, and then learn from it. In my head I say well I lost my girlfriend, my dog, my home. I lost jobs, a wife, ECT. Yes but I never learned to lose, then understand, and then move on. I lose, dwell and finally one day I look up. life has changed and I have no idea how I got here.
2: And worst of all you have answers before you know the Equation. You don’t try to do the work you just jump to an answer that fits and run with it.
The last one even as I sit here and write this out I see it more and more. There is a process and in some cases people use past experiences to foretell the answer. This is wrong. As I type this out my mind is now flooding with things and how it has effected every relationship I have ever had.
I asked my former Girlfriend one night as she is laying hands on my knee to help reduce the pain. Would you rather be loved or wanted? I asked because earlier that day I saw and article about how women want to be wanted more than loved.
Her answer and the answers of most of my women friends shocked me. Yes I’m a male so keep your sexist jokes to your self. This is not the time for that. Most said wanted. yes they wanted to be wanted more than loved.
I woke early to get some sun on my face. The days are getting shorter, so I thought I should try to get some in. the words of last night ringing in my head how I had 2 major issues and so I revisited this question I just posed a few lines back. I found this article its not all of it but its a chunk and the author’s book was also added for your own reading.
Dr. Eisendrath says: “Wanting to be wanted is about finding our power in an image rather than a in our own actions.” It’s inextricably linked to male gaze: we do not see ourselves, or other women, as we are — we see ourselves through lens of men’s desires and expectations.
Wanting to be wanted isn’t a defining characteristic of womanhood as Lacan, a famous and infamously sexist psychotherapist posited – it’s just what happens to women in a world where we have never been allowed to be powerful. We are not expected to want pleasure — we are expected to be pleasing. That’s how we get our likes, that’s how we’re “favorited” when we’re offline. Then we go like hungry ghosts to Facebook to collect more, especially if we’re not getting enough from the people who are supposed to love us.
We sacrifice so much in order to be liked — to be good girlfriends, good wives, good mothers and friends. We do this so often it becomes normative, even though it’s a pathology. Then we are angry, resentful, out of touch with our bodies, dead inside. Our libido can wither away after years of not feeding it what it truly desires.
- Reading books like Ms. Young-Eisendrath’s and the seminal “What Do Women Want: Adventures in the Science of Female Desire” by Daniel Bergner can offer a fresh start and intellectual immersion in your relationship to your desire.
So how does this work with my 2 issues. It in a way answers both. I, like most men thought woman wanted to be love and that was enough. NOOOOOOOPPPPEEE ( Lana for Archer Reference ). So instead of doing the equation out I just inserted the answer. Time after time after time. You get the point. So here we are. Life is right out there inches away. The 6 inches in front of your face that’s life. So at this point I have really only 2 choices
1: do nothing and have the results be the same. What’s the Definition of insanity, ” ‘Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.’ – Albert Einstein”
2: Change. Take each hand, relationship, person, situation, as an independent equation. Factor in the variables and come to the conclusion doing the work not inserting the answer.
This I can start today and will I fall into old habits? sometimes but to try and to fail is to live. We fall to learn to get back up. Can I make a living playing poker? We will soon see. In my head I have to think yes. For the man that says he can and the man that says he cant are both most times right. Be your own self-fulfilling prophecy. I use to have an issues with pocket Queen’s. Always lost. Talked to my poker coach, also friends looking for answers. After being told 30 to 50 times its psychosomatic. One day I just said ya your right. “Learned it all on your own did ya?” Some times you can say something 100 times till some one hears it.
What did I learn. Live in an equation. It have variables, and factors. Inserting an answer does not work. Its the journey not the destination that matters. The answers are always right when you make them its later that all the information is available. Do the work don’t insert answer.
Fiction : What issues may come.
Chapter 3:What issues may come.
VENTING
I need to vent a moment. we have 22 vets a day deciding to end their lives . But what is one of the larger news……… Coffee cups. yes Coffee cups. So in essence. A disposable cup you have for 2 hours max in your day is worth more than a Human Life. . It’s not us that’s wrong its the outside world i swear it is. . your Theological view is wonderful i wont bring up mine. Maybe if ptsd, depression, bipolar and suicide from the later gets talked about as much as a red cup maybe just maybe we wont feel like Lepers.