two roads meet…….. and i….

I feel like Tom Hanks in cast away.  Standing at the intersection of life with two options.  Yes, yes I know he had 4 miss the point much its a medifor please keep up.   I know I’m (inhales deep) cold, distant, angry, mean, harsh, self-absorbed and not easy to get to know.  Few I have let in and some I let in to push away and to cast out because I love them.  I have one friend who packs a lunch and bivouacs down with me.  He wont leave till I can be self sufficient.  It’s not always easy for him but he is there.  I’m alone and the voices are strong, of self-doubt, self loathing self hate.  Hey look I told you I’m self-absorbed.  I had true love and pushed it away.  So I start again and again and yes yet again.  Friends pick me up dust me off and send me out.  He looks down says ok get up.  I set up small goals.  I get out of bed to see if 2 people have sent a good morning.  Now I’m up can’t go back to bed.  Then its caffeine.  Ok mind is working.  Food most mornings.  Then 20 mins. of sun and a pipe,  mediation music plays to calm the mind.  Ok its noon day is fully underway.  time for study and weight training.  Then shower shave maybe dye my beard.   3 pm time to prep dinner.  6pm eat and then reflection.  All along messages from people to see how I’m.  Yes in some cases to see if I’m alive.  My day.   Weekends I’m alone every one has a date but me alone in the dark.  Cue the voices and the cave looms.  Some people here like my writing they say I have a talent.  I guess I do.  I always hated writing in school but here I am quill to paper, ok type to lap top.  I have stories I want to get out I have ideas that need to see the light of day.    eloquentparadise and kandicelisa like my work and kandicelisa has said she would help with ideas.   I guess I do have a talent I need direction.  I’m happy that my best friend is safe with her new love, away from the encroaching darkness I need to defeat if I’m to be me.  So here we are why did I pen this.  This piece of thoughts and medifors.  Because that’s why.  For now that is my answer in time I will see why this needed to come out for now.  It will set along with 55 other pieces of writing for you to read and leave comments.  I lost 75 lbs the love of my life all in a year.  She said it was time to set me free after I set her free from a hell.  I’m proud I could do that.  I thank her for making me SEE what I had become and what I need to do to heal.  There it is 500+ words of fragmented thoughts.  But they needed to be let out like a Pandora’s box.  All the evil is out but sitting with me is hope.  hope a small word but huge potential………. 

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Sometimes you watch it burn

“CASSIUS
For ever, and for ever, farewell, Brutus!
5.1.120 If we do meet again, we’ll smile indeed;
If not, ’tis true this parting was well made.

BRUTUS
Why, then, lead on. O, that a man might know
The end of this day’s business ere it come! ere before
But it sufficeth that the day will end,
5.1.125 And then the end is known. Come, ho! away! “

We stand on the edge of a super blood moon.  Now if you’re not pagan or a lunatic you care little for this heavenly happening.  My life as I have painted in these panels is a little influx at the moment.  I have no home of my own.  My dog lives with my best friend (former girl friend).  I have no job and at this point in my life $40 bucks to my name.  I talk to my best friend every day yesterday was a very good day.  I have come to accept   where we both are at this time in life.  She is with the man she loves.  I’m in country looking to rescue a prisoner that is me.  I want to say I’m sorry for all the pain I caused my best friend and her sister from another country.  They both have taken a lot from a very angry hurt and poisoned Dragon.  As this super blood moon is about to happen, many things have gone on. Now if it happened over time would not seem like much. When it happens all in a month then its time to take a moment and reflect.  I now sleep on a friends couch as others in my lives sleep in beds some of which at one point where mine.

I under stand as a pagan many truths. Some of which are hard lines and some of which take time to be proven.

1. Your Karma is how you treat people, Theirs is how they treat you.
2. All circles must be closed to move on.  The Ranger and the Crown’s. The Vampire and The Viking. The Dragon and the dark Ranger ( a search for one’s self)
3. There is a price for everything and you pay one way or another.
4. Karma pays you back 3 fold with good or ill.
5. In a relation ship you die a hero or become the villain IF you don’t take care of it.
6. You regret what you don’t do why more than what you did wrong.
7. Forgive your self like you want others to forgive you. You’re the biggest bully to your self. worse than any one can be on the outside.

I have done the Worst crime any one can do to another creature.  I have killed true love. I have made the dance and joy fade from the eyes of someone I love more than breathing, more than my own life.  For this there is no sentence that will atone for it. No hail Mary or our Fathers, candle lighting or 30 lashes with a cat-o-nine-tails.   So here we are.  the edge of an astrological change.  I’m at Number 7 kinda apropos 7 stages of grief.  On the 27th My best friend and I will burn letters we have written each other to release us form the pain we caused each other.  If I could have but a wish I would go back in time and change my ways to show her I love her.  But in truth I would wish for one thing and that wish would be for her not to hurt any more and to be Happy.

yes… But

I have PTSD, Depression, and survivors guilt.. So yes I’m a mental horror show that few have ever dared to view up-close and personal.  It’s not that I want to relive the past I just can’t stop reliving the past.  If you have these issues you understand. If you don’t it sound oh so stupid.  I get it, I really do.  I tend to be harsh and unyielding.  I sometimes try to build some people up most times its works. Sometimes you run head long in to someone you love but they’re the ” yes . . . But….” person.   I have known many over my life, some see it after awhile some don’t.  They say the greatest most uplifting things then add that extra little bit to kick you back down.  Do they mean to.  Sometimes yes, sometimes no. It can be a charter trait, It is sometimes a learned response do to life and people.  Here is the rub at what point does your love for the person and the need not to get punched back down become unbalanced.  Just typing that sounds so wrong.  It’s like a Christopher Titus line. “hey can you call my phone so I can record it and play it back to show you how stupid you sound…”.    We love who we love, J.Geils Says it best ” you love her she loves some one else…”.  There are many things that I could but here for examples. that’s not fair of me.  All truth is relative pick one that works.  I say that a lot.  It fits this.  Their truth is that they don’t think its wrong to do it. Your truth is that its hurts.  If I love you, I love you. If I don’t, I don’t. If I hate you I wont piss on you if you’re on fire.  I still take calls from people who have tossed me from their life and now after a stroke they don’t remember all.  I wont talk to an Aunt because I have no use for her.  I’m Pagan and I have a love for some that will never change.  There are two out there that know this in spades.  I guess I write this so that maybe just maybe the universe will hear this.  Maybe just maybe it will in some way sway the cycle.  The vail it thin in the fall.  We see and feel things we don’t at any other time of the year. The dead can speak to us if you listen.  They leave notes and reminders. They can help the most at this time of year.  My best friend and I need to stop the knife dance.  The palming a blade as we hug each other.  We need to lift the other up with the love that is still there its has changed yes.  She will always be the love of my life. Will always hold my heart save in the chest that is of our memories. The saying its better to Love and lost then never to have loved at all.  Its crap. In many ways. In one way. I’m a much better person for loving her and touching true love than I could ever be with out that.  My Vampire Queen of the Ice castle,  the year and a day lasted 6 years 5 more than any one could hope. So I say thank you.   This is not the time for a Thank you. But…..

I am the worst person ever

I am the worst person ever.  I have feelings, emotions, view points and Anger.  Yes anger is technical an emotion but someone with PTSD is so much more.   I am told often I hold people to standards that are unattainable.  It’s just not ex girls friends or people I have wronged.  It’s people who care about me and care how I grow and live.  The blogs and emails I write make people sick.  When people tell me things I take it as a definite not an if time allows.  I guess this is from the way I grew up and all the times I was told we could and never did.  As I got older I started to expects more from people never taking into account their life, their feeling, their time, In that case I’m as self-absorbed as I say some of my friends are.  I write, post and I understand that it’s my blog.  My own window to tell the world what is inside my head.  At some point I need to understand IF I want to get back what happiness I had I have to be a different person.  If that is the case it wont be what I had it’s what I will get.

” I wanna to go back, and do it all over again, but I can’t go back I know” Eddy money “go back”

I want to go back to Dec 2010. I want to go back to a day I saw my dream waft down an escalator at Macy’s.   I want to repair the cracks that happened.  But I know I can’t that heart is a dust that cant be rehydrated.  A new one is there it’s small but it’s there.  Why did I not hold my self to this standard. The standard I find I hold others to. because I’m that person. The person that hold others to standards God/dess cant attain.  But I’m learning.  Is that not what any person can do.  I need to hold my self to a standard.

The path to hell is paved……..

• 
• Its funny why when someone breaks a promise, the first thing they say when you ask them for something is I promise.  I have people around me that I love but I often feel they  just do not read.  Ok they read but they miss the point of the blog.    I read my blog the fat kid to some one…. they half heard what I said. Their reply was sorry but never said any thing about the blog.   I have a friend ask how they can make me more at ease with somethings. They say they under stand and will, then promptly say why they did not do it, or they find reasons why they could not get it done or just forget one hour after they say they will.  They try to make it up after they are reminded about their promise.  They make some last-ditch effort.  You know they forgot and you feel like you mean very little to them.  They say I had a lot on my mind, I just forgot, it was a busy day.  I have a list that I have had used on me.  How do you believe someone when they have a track record of this.  Does the statement I promise  mean so little.  I have promised to try to learn to fly.  To change my ways with hygiene, and life habits.  I hear how proud they are, but where is their side of the bargain.  As I write this I fear that I will lose someone very dear to me.  They keep hurting me.  They say they love me.  If you love me why do you hurt me.  It may seem small to you.  It may seem stupid to you.  To someone with mental issues. PTSD, Depression, they look forward to that time, that chat, that picture.  The sad part is when they don’t fill their side of a promise you wonder if you die would they care, would you be missed?  If you stopped calling, stopped texting, stopped emailing would they miss you?? In my heart I hope they would call but I don’t know and that is what is so sad.

I’m the fat kid

I’m the fat kid. You know that fat kid in school.  You know the one he tries to make friends but he’s the fat kid.  He does not ask any one out because well  he’s the fat kid..  I use to tip the scales at 340 lbs. I now weigh 273 pounds so I’m still kinda the fat kid.  The fat kid is lonely.  Because he’s the fat kid.  He does ok in school but that’s because no one calls him to go out.  The fat kid gets forgotten.  There are always legitimate reasons that the favor is never returned.  Most of the time is “Oh I forgot”” I got busy, but next time I will remember”.  You smile and say its ok.  You say its ok because you’re the fat kid.  You get use to people forgetting you or treating you badly.  You will let it go because….. Yes you’re the fat kid.. You hear things like ” I treat you badly because you will always come back” Some times you get “It wont happen again”.  You some times get so good at knowing what will happen, you say before they even say any thing ” I know you’re sorry.”  it sucks being the fat kid. .

You wont ask any one out.  In your head they will leave because you’re the fat kid.  You push them away because you don’t want them to get made fun of for knowing the fat kid.  You smile even when you’re crushed.  It’s ok you will get over it.  You have years of practice getting over it.  It’s something small to them but to you it’s the world.  But they will never under stand their not the fat kid…….

If a man were to know the end of this day’s

“If a man were to know the end of this day’s business ‘ere it come. But it suffices that the day will end and then the end be known. And if we meet again, well then we’ll smile. And if not, then this parting was well made.” Uncommon Valor – Col. Cal Rhodes

 

We all have done it, we miss something. . . We cant get it back. . . 2 hugs later does not make up for the hug missed in the morning..  a kiss and I’m sorry does not make up for a missed “good morning”.  If you miss your date you cant make it up to the person you stood up. .  IM the KING of next time I will make it up.  I cant and as the past 29 days have showed me that.  When the Quote from the top comes to pass on August 29th I will have missed 10,000 chances to do it right when the time was there.  I have rediscovered the best friend I had forgotten.  We drifted and no one noticed the other one when they where sending up flairs and S.O.S.  I will miss the morning hugs I cant say the Morning kisses because well I did not kiss her good morning in 2 years.  I’m a heel, a rogue, a cad, no  I’m Dragon and I forgot that the most prized treasure needs to be admired and polished and show to the world. My hoard is lessened and made my shelf empty so when the world comes to the cave there is a empty spot where My treasure once was. Its life and no one gets out a live, When I go home I will see her face as I open my Eyes the sad part is on August 30th I will not.