THERE IS NO DO OVER…….. WEAR IT LIKE A BADGE OF HONOR.

                         Lexi                                      Lexi                                    Kali Noir Diamond

Mirror, Mirror,  It tells all.  What do I mean.  it tells you, that you need a shave. It tells you to wash. It tells you that your lying to your self.  What do I mean.  We look in the mirror every day.  As I said shave, brush teeth, wash your face or to have a long talk with your self.  Are you who you want to be or who your told to be?

I will give you a minute on that one. ( jeopardy theme).  Ok min is over.  I have been the good son.  After my dad died I helped my mom with bills.  Helped many people with their lives.  Have a son that gave me 2 grand kids.

Issue is all that is not me.  I lost my self for so long in making sure people got to school.  Found their feet.  Find new jobs.  Leave bad relationships.  I’m 49 and I never helped me find me.  I blew up a marriage, a 5 year relationship.  Because I was not me.  Yes I play cards and I may get a tattoo saying ” I’m a Poker Degenerate”.  Fuck it if the world is going to label me screw it.  Wear it like a Hawthorn novel.  If you miss the reference google it.

I know I can play cards.  I’m good.  I’m an old man in a young mans game. Will I make millions, I don’t need to.  I need to make enough to be happy.  What is happy.  For some its a new husband, that a friend helped free you for.  Its a house in a new state where life is slower.  For some its a 2 room apt. that’s all His.

We all need to find it.  I touched it,  Oct 1st 2016.  I have touched it before a birthday in 2010.  A beautiful girl on my lap, with a smile and a silly hat.  The day my son graduated from high school. ( him giving the finger to the administration not a bell ringer but hey his day)  I touched it again that day in October.

A Facebook model Lexi J Hamann ( look her up ).  Had to post a disclaimer because some ass had to rain on her day.  LOOK its your life no one can live it for you.  Your are not getting extra time because you stayed with the crazy bytch or the self-righteous asshole.  Death does not say “oh well your time is up but here a coupon for 5 years and a free happy meal.”

People its time to find you and yes the Hottie that is on this blog is Facebook model Lexi J Hamann.   She is a great person.  I have a few female models I call friends.  Some are well known, Gothic model Kali Noir Diamond.  Some are Facebook. Some are just starting out.  You know what they all had in common?  They said Screw it I want to be happy.

There comes a time you need to run away from home. Nothing grows in the comfort zone.  That’s a lie, there is something.  its called regret and you wont get a Do over.

https://www.facebook.com/lexieJ7 /  https://www.facebook.com/callanoirdiamond

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” TWENTY YEARS FROM NOW……”

Something funny happened recently.  It snapped when I watched a video. It was from the t.v. show the Blacklist. Red is trying to calm Resstler after Resstler was shot. Red paints a picture of what he  wants to do one more time before he dies.
I’m 49 years old.  I have zero work skills.  I have one thing going for me, my mind.  Its been tortured and abused.  Friends and foe alike have left there scars.  The saying keep your friends close and your enemies closer has a hidden message.  Sometimes are worst enemies are our best friends.  You know what to expect from them.
 I have been a horrid person in the past.  I have left mental scars on my friends.  Some have returned the favor .  I was never the arm candy some wanted.  I was never the obedient pet some wanted.  When I point out what they did, oh that’s has little importance to them.  For they only care about what they received not what they have done.
I get accused of twisting facts and redirecting issues.  Funny I get accused that when I redirect the attack back where it came from.  Yes I sometimes bludgeon people with there mistakes.  It was done unto me.  That is a poor excuse but its true.  I have been peoples dirty secret.  I have been the other man when there life was crappy I have even been the other man for the same person.  I will post this one with little fan fair.
I have learned many things from poker, the biggest one is. LET THE HAND GO!  Sounds OH so easy.  They even made a song out of it for a kids movie.  When your playing cards for money there is this think called “TILT”.  It is positive, and negative, both ways are bad.   What do I mean…..   Example you have 3 kings and 2 aces.  That’s called a full house.  A winner a LARGE percent of the time.  They have 4 aces, guess what, YOU LOSE.
Now this is where “TILT” happens.  You cant let it go.  You start beating your self up on how the beat sucked.  You then go on and lose 5 more hands because you have not let it go yet.  Positive “TILT”  you have the 4 aces to there full house.
When you have the hand you now feel bullet proof.  You can do no wrong.  You can do any thing.  Your start playing stupid its worse when it works for a couple hands.
People use my past against me.  They get mad when I use it against them.  Its ok for them to hold the fear of me snapping at someone.  Its ok if they leave me at home,  back burner me.  Use things I said or did against me but I cant return the favor.
I have changed over the past 18 months.  None more that the past 6 weeks.  I love a Vampire, A House Druid, and a few more.  But riddle me this.  Why is it ok for others to use fear of the past as a reason for actions now.  But its wrong if I do it?  Why is it wrong if I point out things but they can?
People ask me Why I’m not dating now.  Why after losing 80 pounds and fixing my life why don’t I date.  Because if I date I have to answer to some one.  I have to think of others.  Be the house-boyfriend, the House Dragon,
i cant be me.
I’m crude when people are crude to me.  I don’t throw the first punch.  I need to be called the Butler first.  I need some one to disrespect the person I’m with. They miss that fact.  Its me its always me.  It was also me that placed 10th in the poker tournament.  It was me that One 5 Omaha tournaments.
Two of the most important people in my life I have been horrid to.  They have returned it in spades.  In both cases they fired the first shot.  I shot back much harder and I’m the bad guy.
The list is long and in truth not worth thinking about.  The hand is over.  I wont go on tilt because they are.  A very beautiful woman asked me to forgive my self for the bad that happened with us.  She has and she has forgiven me.  I’m a poker degenerate.  I’m ok with that.  I’m also broken and covered in scars.  ” Chicks dig scars.”  My brother has a veil that people miss read.  They listen to his off the cuff words and not his actions.  Its a misdirection that few will see. I started to call him out on it in privet.
I have changed.  Raymond does not come out often.  I know who I am.  I think it scares people because I did it.  I changed when some never thought I could.  People had it in their head that It could not happen. They found someone new as I was doing it.   I take pride that I help find happiness, even if its not with me.  It could have screwed me up worse if I would have given up because of what happened.
At some point in your life you have to understand this.  You can not control how people react to you or treat you.  YOU can only control how you react and treat them.
I will always love the important women in my life.  I just wish they could see that its not all on me.  Its not all on them.  People have asked me to let it go.  I am.  I’m seeing things differently now.  I’m not letting people use passive aggression toward me.  I never noticed it before.  Now I take each conversation as an independent chat.
I’m a poker player that’s my job.  I need a few things, tools I need for my job.  Like when your getting your degree in college.  So I will do odd jobs to get a bank roll. But make no mistake.  My job is a poker player.  Its others that never wanted me to be one.  It’s scary.  Like being shot at. Like jumping from planes.  Like opening the door to go out side.
Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things you didn’t do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bowlines. Sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover.
 Author some say Mark Twain. some say no… 
49 + 20 = 69 we will see who’s married, who has bracelets, and who is happy.

” Learn’d that all on your own did ya?”

WHY

Ok so yesterday was not a great day.  Had doubts about my poker game.  Was ready to throw it all in the trash, get a job and die from boredom.   My brother ( roommate )  said well then do it.   Stepping back I thought he was all ways my biggest supporter, what mind trick was he playing here, ” these are not the droids we are looking for..”  style.  Then we start the real conversation.  He asks What 2+2=?  and I’m like well in most mathematical states its 4 but its all in the equation and what form of math and how you write it out.  After noticing the stare of ” are you done”.  I stopped and said Ok what am I missing.  The whole question he said.  At this point I’m lost.  He says you have 2 major issues and you need to fix them and fix them fast because life is right out there.

Your issues are mainly 2 things:

1: you hate to lose.  You don’t know how to lose gracefully, and then learn from it.  In my head I say well I lost my girlfriend, my dog, my home. I lost jobs, a wife, ECT.  Yes but I never learned to lose, then understand, and then move on.  I lose, dwell and finally one day I look up. life has changed and I have no idea how I got here.

2: And worst of all you have answers before you know the Equation.  You don’t try to do the work you just jump to an answer that fits and run with it.

The last one even as I sit here and write this out I see it more and more.  There is a process and in some cases people use past experiences to foretell the answer.  This is wrong.  As I type this out my mind is now flooding with things and how it has effected every relationship I have ever had.

I asked my former Girlfriend one night as she is laying hands on my knee to help reduce the pain.  Would you rather be loved or wanted?  I asked because earlier that day I saw and article about how women want to be wanted more than loved.

Her answer and the answers of most of my women friends shocked me.  Yes I’m a male so keep your sexist jokes to your self. This is not the time for that.  Most said wanted.  yes they wanted to be wanted more than loved.

I woke early to get some sun on my face.  The days are getting shorter, so I thought I should try to get some in.  the words of last night ringing in my head how I had 2 major issues and so I revisited this question I just posed a few lines back.  I found this article its not all of it but its a chunk and the author’s book was also added for your own reading.

Dr. Eisendrath says: “Wanting to be wanted is about finding our power in an image rather than a in our own actions.” It’s inextricably linked to male gaze: we do not see ourselves, or other women, as we are — we see ourselves through lens of men’s desires and expectations.

Wanting to be wanted isn’t a defining characteristic of womanhood as Lacan, a famous and infamously sexist psychotherapist posited  – it’s just what happens to women in a world where we have never been allowed to be powerful. We are not expected to want pleasure — we are expected to be pleasing. That’s how we get our likes, that’s how we’re “favorited” when we’re offline. Then we go like hungry ghosts to Facebook to collect more, especially if we’re not getting enough from the people who are supposed to love us.

We sacrifice so much in order to be liked — to be good girlfriends, good wives, good mothers and friends. We do this so often it becomes normative, even though it’s a pathology. Then we are angry, resentful, out of touch with our bodies, dead inside. Our libido can wither away after years of not feeding it what it truly desires.

  • Reading books like Ms. Young-Eisendrath’s and the seminal “What Do Women Want: Adventures in the Science of Female Desire” by Daniel Bergner can offer a fresh start and intellectual immersion in your relationship to your desire.

So how does this work with my 2 issues.  It in a way answers both.  I, like most men thought woman wanted to be love and that was enough.  NOOOOOOOPPPPEEE ( Lana for Archer Reference ).  So instead of doing the equation out I just inserted the answer.  Time after time after time.  You get the point.  So here we are. Life is right out there inches away.  The 6 inches in front of your face that’s life.  So at this point I have really only 2 choices

1: do nothing and have the results be the same. What’s the Definition of insanity, ” ‘Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.’ – Albert Einstein”

2: Change. Take each hand, relationship, person, situation, as an independent equation.  Factor in the variables and come to the conclusion doing the work not inserting the answer.

This I can start today and will I fall into old habits? sometimes but to try and to fail is to live.  We fall to learn to get back up. Can I make a living playing poker? We will soon see.  In my head I have to think yes.  For the man that says he can and the man that says he cant are both most times right.  Be your own self-fulfilling prophecy.  I use to have an issues with pocket Queen’s.  Always lost.  Talked to my poker coach, also friends looking for answers.  After being told 30 to 50 times its psychosomatic.  One day I just said ya your right.  “Learned it all on your own did ya?” Some times you can say something 100 times till some one hears it.

What did I learn.  Live in an equation.  It have variables, and factors.  Inserting an answer does not work.  Its the journey not the destination that matters. The answers are always right when you make them its later that all the information is available.   Do the work don’t insert answer.

GOOD DAY, BAD DAY, THEY ALL RUN TOGETHER…

sad
It’s the start of fall in New England.  Few places I enjoy like here in the fall.  The sun is bright and the days are clear and the leaves are starting to turn colors (colours).  The summer is slipping away.  The summer loves are ending. They all are finding there ways back to the realities from which they came.  I have great days, good days and yes even some bad days.  To day is one of the bad days.  I don’t know why I have them.  It’s this feeling of being twisted, having all the happiness wrung from you like a wet rag.  If I don’t catch it it’s a day of hell.  My mind beating me with every bad thing I ever said or have done.  It’s the this is your shit life lets relive the lowest points that we can.  Remember what you said to you mom.  Hey remember the time with your first wife.  Hey your such a worthless human being that the woman that says ” no matter what we will make it. ” I will never leave you behind.”  Yes you rotten bastard you even drove her away.  I hope the man you drove her too. Now that their married is better to her than you.  Yes this is my mind beating on me.  I have no job, no license, and I want to run.  Run where you ask.  2nd star to the right and straight on till morning.  In a 30 day cycle I have a break down of 20 average days, 4 really great days. That leaves 6 days that came form the darkest reaches of the cave.  The places you don’t look because the bad things live there.  The places that if you walk to close the cold reaches out and grabs you.  It pulls you in and laughs as you sit there.   See the issue is I’m getting more comfortable there.  Because I lived there for months.  That’s not to say it does not suck it just the reality.  I got use to living in the dark.  Sitting in a chair as the darkness comes and envelops you.  The closing in of the dark.  My girl friend would have meeting so I would be alone from 8am till some times 9:30 10 pm.  I would not  turn on a light I would let the dark take me.  She was the light that would save me.  Well that light is some one else’s and I sit in the dark and wait.  So its a Dark Day as I call it.  My room mate comes home and turns on extra lights to help but its already settled in.  I will sleep in a few hours.  I will have night mares about having my dog only to wake up and be alone.  I will hide in bed till its safe to start my day.  Yes there reason she left you are both yours and hers.  She has asked you to forgive your self for the bad and live your life.  I wish I could.  One day maybe.  one day at a time I guess….

You Look Like My Next … Opportunity

never-be-sad

I turned 49 years old this year. I never thought I would see it.  Child of the 80’s, service time, and living a lifestyle that would lead to jail or worse.  This year has been the hardest year to live through. 2015 saw the end of what was to be forever and the start of what it is now.  So for a year I healed in a way, going through the 7 stages of grief.
  • Shock And Denial
  • Pain and Guilt
  • Anger
  • Bargaining
  • Depression ( this was around for 9 months and lingers)
  • Testing and Reconstruction
  • Acceptance
It’s been hard would be an understatement. {Thank you Gray for not allowing me to fail.} I started to read some of my post from when I started this blog.  It was like some one else had wrote them. In a way it was, for the person that wrote them is no more.  As the song says ” Yesterday’s gone.”  You have eyes that see where your going. Not where you have been.  I for months was like, ” If Only….” guess what! I cant fix it, learn and move forward.  In the USMC, there is a saying never pay twice for the real estate we have gained.  Meaning that the inches, feet, yards that we have gained we paid for in PTAD ( pain, torture, agony and in some cases death).  My room mate had to watch me for months.
He would watch me crumble rebuild repeat. Day in day out. Week in week out. Till one day the build and crumble was taking longer.  The foundation was starting to hold.  The old foundation was being replaced.
“….is like a foolish man who built his house on sand.”  Matthew 7:26 ( part)
With his help we have cleared away the sand, rubble and lose rocks.  We have hit bed rock ( insert Flintstones joke here).  I have been writing and getting my head clear.  I have been playing and learning poker.  2 styles and I’m starting to make a career of it.  Now any one that has any thing that  they want to say against this.  Please type it out nicely, and read it.  Proof for spelling, dictions and syntax.  Then save and keep for your self thank you.
I’m good and I have a natural feel for it.  Will I make millions? It does not matter.  I just need to make enough to play, eat, have a roof and some in the savings.  I know people that are slaves to the middle class.  I lived it with them, saw it eat at them. If I make Millions Woohoo.  Bugatti veyron super sport.  Don’t know the car, Google it .
The scariest thing is when you have to face your afraid to succeed.  It sounds stupid right!  I mean we all want to succeed right.  No see with success comes expectations,  standards, goals.  That’s scary.  You win the lotto your done.  Toss money in a bank, live in the nice home, wait for death. But to succeed means to keep trying.  Keep going become the greatest you possible.  Your not great!!  You have been fired a few times.  Have an ex wife, ex lovers both fails. in a movie I saw one time there is a scene that stuck with me:
” Quicksand..”
” You’re playing and you think everything is going fine. Then one thing goes wrong. And then another. And another. You try to fight back, but the harder you fight, the deeper you sink. Until you can’t move… you can’t breathe… because you’re in over your head. Like quicksand. “
Shane Falco: Movie ‘ The Replacements.’
That’s what happened to me.  Its part of PTSD which is not only for people that have seen war.  Its the 9/11 survivors. Cops, Doctors, Nurses, Families.  The list is long and most have a form of it.  I was called stupid by family members because I’m dyslexic.  Fat because I weight 92 pounds in 2nd grade. ‘Sped.’ In school because I had to get help learning.  Come to find out I have an IQ of 180 tested by the state of Massachusetts.
Then more labels get placed on you as you go through life.  Had my First wife say I was a complete and total disappointment to her.  I was under a doctors care.  Because  I would get in a car and drive and wonder how I got some place.  And she said that on more than one occasion.
Get over that. Then have a girl friend that nothing would ever work.  She would have an issue you would give her a way to fix it to a reply of.  But then there is this and 5 other things.  You fix them and low and behold there are 5 more.  One night she asked me why I stopped helping I said ” because no matter how often I help you fix it. You say “it wont work because.” After we had broken up I was her room mate till a place could open up for me.  Fixing her stairs I said  “What do you think?  Think it will work?”  To a reply of ” No “.  I had little to lose at this point. I snapped I said, ” just once it would be great if you thing some thing would not work you have an idea to what will..”
Now that being said She has come a long way.  She is still my best friend and one of my largest supporters.  She asked me to forgive my self and be great.  Yes I was touched.
So here we are, 49 years old.  The chains are off.  I have a plan to work and to work the plan.   If part of the plan fails.  So be it, I’m a former Marine have a back up plan because the Miss Fortune is a nasty bytch.  So here we go.  I’m breaking the chains that I have placed on me.  I have been forgiven.  and I’m forgiving my self.   I wont fly at first I have no doubt on that.  But I cant give up.  I want to be great.  Will the world know my name.  Nope.  Will my world of friends be proud of me.  I can hope.  Will I allow my self to succeed we will see.  Can I stop.  Nope.  I have to many people that see greatness.  Who am I to let them down.

Its not a World Shattering post. . it is what it is….

yesterday_is_history-35189
Ashes to ashes, endings are a Must.
If it has a beginning, than an ending is  just.
Nothing is forever, so to end it’s a must.
It maybe be sad but that’s not a must.
You see we can choose how we see it, that’s all up to us..
you can be sad if you must.
but you can be glad you had them also this to is just.
So be happy that they stayed for a while, the time with them was not a bust.
You loved them with lust.
You held them close and smiled so happy you could bust.
But now the love and smiles are gone, so is the Lust.
But smile because an new beginning starts with an ending this is a must.

She use to get all the candy…

This is where I will lose readers.  But this is for me not them so here goes.   I’m in love with 2 woman.  YES I see the numbers drop as I lead off with this.   One woman is some one that I have not seen in more years that one can count out loud.  She is pale tall dark hair and has a grace and power not often seen.  Her touch is cold.  Her gaze is hard and piercing.  Her tongue is sharp but has a velvet touch.  The kind of woman that can call you rude, fat, obnoxious and you would smile and nod.  She can also convey her utter displeasure and you would apologies with no hard feelings.

The other woman. ( the one that use to get all the candy).  Has a beauty she does not share easy.  I depth she her self has never dared to delve in to its depth.  She has a cold aloof demeanor.  She weald power sometimes with the understanding of a queen and then that of a petulant 6 year old.  Her eyes are haunted by the wrongs done unto her.  Her speech is unfiltered 75% of the time.  But if you can get past this.  There is a love seldom seen. She has built wall  around walls and there is a price of admission to get past each wall.

I love both women deeply.

One brings out the best in me and I have won battles that most have sought imposable.

The other brings out the Dark Dragon.  I vial creature that does not care what it takes, but will leave scorched earth in its wake to protect her.   The issue is that this beast will also turn on her and will return the hurt received 10 fold.  Yes even to the woman he is protecting.  He will be nasty and hurtful and uncaring.   He will not care about her past.  He wont let her reminisce of her past happiness.

This 2nd woman would get all the candy, for a time.  Then the 2nd woman would mess up and the Dark Dragon would start to turn on her.  It would be small slights at first.  But over time they would get harsher and crueler.  Then the time comes to protect the woman and the beast would be ready to level cities in her defense.   The issues is now he is in a Dark blind rage.  And would turn on the woman and destroy the love they shared.  The 2nd woman’s only defense against this is to release the beast.  Drive it off with any means she could.  But secretly cry about it.  She still loves the Dragon but the beast can no longer be with her.  See he is dying, He cant fly the hate and hurt is killing it.  So to save the Dragon she has to make it leave to heal.

The First woman has seen this from a distance for a long time and it pains her.  Its a ying and yang ideal.  Perspective in some cases.  All truth is relative pick one that works.  Is the underlining sentiment of all of my blogs.   The truth is Both woman are part of the Dragon’s life.  The love is deep and strong with both and no matter who or what tells the Dragon that the 2nd woman is not good for him.  He knows the truth.  They both bring out the best in him just one is the Dark best and the other is the Light best.

That is the true nature of a Dragon of Shadows he has no true nature.  He is chaos, he is the light in the bitch black, Or the Dark spot in a bright day.

My best friend one of my brothers. Some people see him as in essence A blue Dragon.  I call him Gray.  For he is my moral compass.  From where I stand he is neutral. A Gray Dragon on a gray Mountain over looking a gray sea with a gray sky reaching the sea below.  Perspective.  We all have it and that’s why mine is mine yours is yours.

I will return to the first Woman.  If I was Sherlock Homes she would be The Woman.  But the 2nd woman I will always love.  Will always rescue if she needs it and will stay for a time, but will leave when things are calm.  They both Bring out the best.  But perspective says its the worst.  History is written by the winners.  In the end most of us are all Good and Bad at the same time.  Example.  You give a homeless man 10 bucks That’s  good of you some will say.  Some will say its bad you have just paid for his vice ( drug of choice )  Whos right.  Both and neither.

My friends will read this and I hope get a better understanding OF ME the Dragon of Shadows.

I can be the nastiest creature on the face of the earth using any weapon at hand to win.

I can be the one making coffee, sneaking you wine after work on a bad day.  The one giving treats to kids when they where told no candy.

  • I was in the USMC and I remember what my Drill would pound into us. ” your first last and always job is to go home”  and he meant alive. 

This is everyone’s goal to make it home after work, a trip, going to the store.  we all want to go home.

The two woman in my life both are needed for they both are my Light and Dark.  My Valkyrie, and My Vampire.  One I will always return home to and one I will visit when she need me.

To push or to stand pat

mental

I have mental illness.  I have depression, ptsd and Survivors Guilt.  Its a strain on all my relationships.  Friends, lovers and even family members that just don’t understand.   You cant slap a Band-Aid on a cut but your soul bleeds.  You can set a broken mind like you set a broken bone.  I have a poker coach Nick Whitehall and he has coached many poker players and has helped hundreds and hundreds of people with their game.   One of the things he teaches is to notice tendencies in people you play against but also tendencies you your self have in your game.  Funny I started to use this off table and started to notice things in my day to day life with my Illness.  I have this a few days that I sink in to this quiet.  I call it I cave up like Dragons do.  I leave the lights off and close out the world and on the 3rd day I want to scream and cry over what I have lost. Not what my come not that last night I took first place in a Poker tournament to win my way in to a bigger tournament.  That with time and study and coaching I have improved.  Now that I can watch the wsop or wpt and marvel at the moves and the plays that are made and understand why.  Nope just the bad beats the loves I have lost and the wanting to go home.  But this time is different I see the tendencies.  I see the pattern.  I guess I’m learning to think to see things differently its taken a long time but  the Gray, a Vampire and a woman I call Mum have finally started to sink in.  I’m a person with mental illness not a Mental illness with a person.

The April showers

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What is time.  Its a unit of measurement that humans made up so that every thing did / does not all happen at one moment.  Meaning there would be no war of 1812 because there would be no Years, Months, Weeks, Day, hours or even seconds.  There would just be the “now” and every thing happens “now”, when is now? It cant be then.  Because now is now well now and then would never be.  The poem Yesterday is history. Tomorrow is the mystery. Today is the present that is why its a gift.  April is a month that I will dread for there are fixed moments in time.  April 17th the day when people stated there want to be with each other even if one was already with some one. April 19th and the windows where open. Last but not least April 22.  Because forever and always never to be left behind magically changed to I can’t because I don’t love you any more.  Truth be told I did not love me any more either. So here we are she happy and full of love and joy.  I’m bitter alone healing and finding my way in the world.  I’m cold and alone she says she could be alone but has not for a very long time.  I start a poker career Saturday. Win or lose once more in to the breach I dive.  Live with very little net.  She is find a warm hug, a glass of wine and wet doggie kisses.  I will find loneliness, fear and uncertainty.  Once is an accident. When it happens twice its a pattern.  My Vampire her Dragon.  One knows not what happens at this weeks end  it suffices that the week will end and the end be known.  LY My Vampire.

The Little things…….

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When you break up with someone most times its large events or the lost of intimacy,  Trust or even friend ship.  Most times what causes this is the little things the missed morning kisses hugs.  The not wanting to here about their day.  Not wanting to here about their past.  so what you lose is not just the past and the present.  the worst is when you lose all the future the wonder in their eyes when they see things they enjoy.  Like architecture and photography.  You miss the wonder in their eyes as they see things.  So when someone says don’t sweat the little things Fuck them Sweat the little things the holding of hands the morning Kisses hugs the moment on how was your day and every now and then look at them and their eyes and marvel at the dance they do the sparkle they have and always  Look for the joy in their eyes when they see you.  I forgot to do this I did every thing wrong on my side I did not listen help encourage give morning hugs or kisses.  I did not ask about their day.  Now I’m starting a carrier on playing cards and reading people I’m pretty good at it.  If I’m so fucking good at it how did I not read her.  because we all get complacent and for get the important things in our lives.  Its like when someone dies we all have regrets.  That regret is we never take time to show them we love them.  We enjoy them.  We like having them around in assents we love them.  I have made peace with what I have done that does not mean I have forgotten what I have done.  Again when someone says don’t sweat the small stuff . FUCK THEM sweat the small stuff don’t miss a morning hug or a Kiss.   Its really hard I write this because she reads this and may follow what I’m saying.  I wish her happiness even at the cost of mine…