That took me by surprise

Sometimes the pain gets to a point that you really don’t care who will be hurt or up set.  Then the why did they not say anything.  They tried but you where busy. They want to but they had to run.
They tell you when they text a lot or leave voice mail.
See they are reaching out because they texted or left a voice mail or text their using your love for them to get them through one more hour.  They want to talk at you to prove the voices wrong.
So when you see a lot of text or voicemail their fighting the voices and it’s a bloody fight. You hear on the voice mail hey hope your having a great evening means I’m under attack. If they say they love you 37x’s the fight is getting worse…… IF this happens and its not your  psychotic ex.
The first question should be “are you ok” not “what the fuck!”

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How Do You Live in the Moment in the Silence?

Ashes to ashes and dust to dust the reaper calls on all of us, return the smile. Take his hand. you’re on your way home and a friend has your hand.

A friend told me that I need to forgive my self for my past. I was like but I was the one that was abused. I was the one that got hurt. I was….. And there it was “I”. Not me. You will say well the use of “I” is proper when talking about ones self. Yes it is but “I” is also selfish it tunnels the scope of what the issue is. I did not say, ” I cant love you any more I love some one else”. I Did not say ” I treat you badly because I know you will keep coming back.”. I was not that one that would wait till I was off with my grand father, so I would not have to deal with the crying. I’m the one stuck with the pain and memories. I’m the one left with all the memories. Memories that a war movie could not put on film because it would get an X rating.

An ego and a superego walk into a bar.

The bartender says “I’ll have to see some id

My Brother never uses the word/letter I. Its the strangest thing. I think I’m finally understanding. There is no I there is only the event. I love my former girlfriend. No not in the lets get naked in the shower love. Love of two people that have been through hell and all we had was each other then. She said to me ” I was watching you die slowly on my couch. I love you to much to watch that. You need to go and get your life. You gave me mine back. Now it’s time to return the favor,”. We still talk I released her from all but one promise we made to each other. When I die she has to dress as the grim reaper and stand at my casket. Her reply is ” I’m going to be the Shortest Reaper ever.” my reply is ” I had a Short life”.

We all try to fix the past we all try to change what happen. I’m sorry may make the person saying it feel better but that is about it. We all have things we have done that we want to change. You can’t. I have said this many times. Time is human made it effects nothing. Crops don’t grow by humans timelines. Crops grow when its time you can force them but a green house tomato and a garden tomato taste different. I cant take back the words I have said to people. I cant change what shitty things I have done in my life. I can take each moment as it comes and as for the past. That moment is gone never to happen again. two hugs tomorrow does not make up for the one missed today. A missed date is an event that now MAY never happen because you missed the moment.

I’m scared to live. I’ve listened to all the people say. You are nothing and will be nothing you don’t have anything. But that’s wrong I’ve got this moment.

Many people follow this blog. I have said most of these things in others blogs. You see life is a puzzle, not every time you hear or read something does it fit the puzzle AT THAT MOMENT. One day, in one single moment it will fit and it will slide into place.

OH and the joke in the middle is not really a joke its what we all deal with every day. The ego and the superego make up you ID.

it make up who you are and if you don’t like who you are one of them or both need to change and that will change you ID. who-you- are.

WE ARE BORN AND WE DIE IN THE MIDDLE IS CALLED LIFE…..

Ashes to ashes, Dust to dust the pain we feel follows all of us. Some pain moves on, Some pain Stay put. Some people get help, As some others get hurt. Some live long, some live short. All and all we all just hurt. some find their loves. others their mates. Some live happy, some tempt fate. At the end of the day, was it all for not? The end is the end by your hand’s or fates. So did we live to the end with anger, with hate. Or with hope and with love. There are no winners. There is no escape, You find out now you wish to escape. Hide if you will. In a house or a cave. The reaper will come and that is your fate. Death will smiles, Return it you should, Return it with glee for he smile for thee. He’s a friend in the end. To the rich or the poor. The sick, the infirmed. The saddest of all is that you wish you knew when. For if you did. Then the kisses would be deeper. the Hugs would be longer. The love would be deeper and the song would be longer. But alas we don’t, In the end all we cry. In the end we will lament. That the only friend left is the friend we want least. He’s still a friend as your time draws near. Cry loud, cry hard for you’re to blame, not death at all. He is doing his job. But you had not. your job was to live, and you had not. You see we all have one job. that’s all we got. Live life to the fullest but most do not. Remember the and remember this well. We know death must call. Ready or not, he will come to call, he will but point. so ask your self this. Did you do your job right. Did you live to the fullest did you live it right????

Knocked down 7 times get up 8 times

So the last week I had a medication change and it kicked my ass in more ways than one. See Vicodin was given to me for my pain. I have joint pain, sciatica, and migraines. so on any day 1 to all 3 can be present. The issue was the Vicodin made me mean and verbally abusive, caused me to have emotional out burst. Also would not let me sleep for days and another side effect that we wont go into. Lets just say I had no need for the little blue pill. So after asking my doctor several times to change my medications I had to basically screamed into the phone. CHANGE MY FUCKING MEDICATION. After that lovely chat he said OK steroids and Dilaudid, yes you read that right. So I was a little nervous about this new treatment. But I said ok and gave it a chance. IT BEAT MY ASS SO HARD I WAS LIKE WHAT THE FUCK. As the effects of 25 years on the Vicodin worked its way out and my head was finally clear it all came washing back. All the abusive I put my family through. The shit my son lived through. My former wife and my former girlfriend lived with. Sometimes I’m glad she found the strength to move on and be happy. I did push her away and she kept coming back till she didn’t. She is a very powerful woman. When I lived with other friends. there son Sammy he was 7 was there I was told that HE COULD NOT SEE THIS SIDE OF ME. So I keep most of it from him. I guess people see more in me than I do because when Mom and Dad went away on an adult vacation they asked me to watch him so I did.

As the title says knocked down 7 times get up 8 time. That does not mean you cant take a day or 3 to recover from the ass kicking you just got. It does mean that you have to get up in a reasonable amount of time. I called people said my apologies and started on a new path. I see what every one was telling me but my mind was closed till I finally said “When”. I HAVE HAD ENOUGH. The past week I have been in my apt ( the Dragon Cave ) and was ready to come out when a box arrived. It was from the former with all my small items I left there 3 years ago. it was time. Back on the floor and I crawled to my cave after life once more smacked me in the mouth. Yesterday I slept for 24 of 30 hours I was up only two times for three hours at a time. Today I got up and said ya I’m fucking done, time to stand the fuck up. So after I picked up my refill and walked the dog I planted the things that I have put off for over a week. Along with 2 trees its funny that there are two, almost like one for me and one for my brother as we both find are way home. I know there is someplace other than this. When I get there a very pale woman with a mean streak that would make most men say ya fuck that. Will be waiting to beat my ass. Not in a fun sexy way a way that I will drag my self in the house and need time to heal. No this is not abuse this is the way things are when your in a world that its harsh and beautiful all at once. There is no stern talking to there is only the sting of ritual combat. Its home and where I miss every day. My brother hopes he is there to watch. I know I was stupid in this life wasted gifts I was given in a hurry to get home. Lesson one knocked down 7 get up 8. Lesson 2 its not the destination its the Journey because a destination is only part of the whole journey. Lesson 3 Be kind and helpful don’t be used and taken advantage of. Lesson 4 She will wait because she knows I may wonder but I will always return to the darkly beautiful creature she is.

• • • LIFE TO BE CONTINUED

Finger prints we leave

 

“Taking You Own Life. Interesting Expression — Taking It From Who? Once It’s Over, It’s Not You Who’ll Miss It. Your Own Death Is Something That Happens To Everybody Else. Your Life Is Not Your Own. Keep Your Hands Off It.”

Why we want what we can’t have

We always think that we want the pretty girl, that handsome guy. We want the white picket fence, the house, the 2 to 3 Kids ( In today’s society fur babies are the same as human babies). But all we really want is what’s supposed to go into that house.

All we really want is to be loved. When we don’t find it, we always chase the wrong people. We chase the ones that will always bring us pain. Will always bring us misery, we know it but we just won’t accept it.

• “Oh he’ll be different with me”.
• “She would be different you will see”.
• “Others they don’t see what I see”.
• any of this ringing a Fucking bell for you???

This is followed by:

• ” I have never loved any one like I love them before.”
•   Pssst  you said that to the last one
• also you can’t love different people the same way,  because their DIFFERENT PEOPLE
• ” They have changed from when we first met.”
•   Ya think, they’re older, their diction has changed that’s is about all.

The problem is that what you see, most times is what you get.  There’s very few people that are different from what they expose to the world. If they are cold, calculating, and sometimes very harsh to deal with. If this also continues after you start to date.  Then surprise, surprise they’re exactly what they appear to be. They’re  cold, calculating, and harsh.

life just has this way of beating the ever living hell out of people. Kindness, well that’s the first thing that’s gone from them. Happiness is next. Finally people become calculating.  Pictures and texts become ammunition.

Because life is unrelenting, it will just keep beating you, and beating you and beating you. It won’t let you up to breath, because it doesn’t have to. Life is harsh, it’s unrelenting. The pressure that life puts on every generation is always the same, it just looks different.

I had the love of 2 women that helped me lower my guard.  I allowed them to come in.  They each cut me deep and made me sorry I let them in.  We in one case talked it over.  With this one we found a spot of bedrock in a swampy area know as life to re-build our friendship on.

• The rain fell, the torrents raged, and the winds blew and beat against that house; yet it did not fall, because its foundation was on the rock. Matthew 7:26.

The other well we just never talked about it.  This became the crack that would spell the eventual end to us as a couple.

• But everyone who hears these words of Mine and does not act on them is like a foolish man who built his house on sand. Matthew 16:18

Her and I have made peace. We have turned the sand to glass and have made a transparent house for our friendship.  We have just learned not to throw stones at each other.  We know each others secrets.  Some should never see the light of day.

Yet People still chase the wrong person, for what ever reason.  Truth be told we want it to fail.  Because we have become so jaded.  We sit and wait for the other shoe to drop.  We know if we chase the wrong person there is the  possibility that we will never fully let our guard down.

I’m guilty of this.  So now I just have friends with intimate options.  No dating, to make up lines like “we think a like” no making a dysfunctional relationship look like the greatest love story of all times.

I have been the bad guy so many times.  The guy that makes you look in the mirror and say ” This is your relationship looks pretty Huh?” ” OK is not a standard to live by its a starting point!” ” You wear the praise people heap upon you like a coat, like the red badge of courage.  ‘Oh look she is giving her life to him.  Sticking by him even when he abuse her. It’s the Illness she is an Angel for doing that’.” I have heard friend say, ” I know I will end up alone, with my dogs, a bitter person.”

WOW that’s a life goal to work for.  When you die you don’t get credit for time served.  Just because you hung in there with an asshole that gave you a case of Stockholm Syndrome.  When your time is up its up.  No free Frosty and 6 more months.

I’m done with people that bring nothing to my life.  If you start your travel plans with ” I want ….”  and you have a partner you need to re-look at your self.  If all you can do is take up my time and not help me see the world differently.  If you cant help me with my Poker or my Writing, its been real.  I’m not shallow I’m just 50 years old and tired of people wasting my life.

You control your life, you control how you allow people to interact with you.  You allow or deny people the ability to make you out to be the bad person when your not.  That’s called transference ( Transference describes a situation where the feelings, desires, and expectations of one person are redirected and applied to another person.) ( Google is your Friend).

I have no time for these people. Ok I’m kinda guilty here.  There is one person that I let stay in my life even when they start their vacation plans with “I Want”.

I want to thank all the women that made me feel like I was an atm ( high school), I was trash to be dropped off (Mother/and 2 others).  That made me feel like I was a replacement part.   Place holder till something better came along.

I gave my self permission to have a life.  I gave my self permission to remove any one from my life that does not add value.  I gave my self permission to be happy.  NO ONE CAN MAKE SOME ONE ELSE HAPPY.  A person has to want to be happy.

There is a Woman in my life that I break my own rules for but that’s the great part of having a code to live buy.  You allow who comes in and who does not.  I will always love her and watch out for her.  We are just meant to live different lives.  But if my phone rings a 3am and she needs and its with in my means she will have it.  The same way If I’m hearing the voices she will put her job on hold and walk me off the ledge .

If it starts it has to end.  Sadness and depression are the same way.  The only difference is sometimes we need to get help letting go of sadness.   Depression also sometimes needs medication.  BUT THERE IS HELP ASK FOR IT.

Why? The hardest simple Question ever…..

No more, no more
No more, no more

Me and my life a screamer bound to a wife in marriage
Baby I’m a dreamer
Found my horse and carriage

Ladies hold the aces while my lovers call it passion
The men call it pleasure but to me it’s old fashioned
Times they’re a-changin’ nothing ever stands still
If I don’t stop changin’ I’ll be writin’ my will
It’s the same old story never get a second chance
For a dance to the top of the hill

No more No more – Aerosmith album toys in the attic 1975

Every one lives by there own set of rules there code if you will. If you like NCIS there is Gibb’s rules, 53 I think at last count (google Gibb’s rules if you want and exact number). Mine is a little more fluid, one main rule: Truth is relative pick one that works. History is written by the winners. Its often altered to fit what agenda needs to be pushed. If you live in the South its the War of Northern Aggression. History calls it the civil war. I have friends that stay in bad relationships because they know its bad but they just can’t break it off. I lived 17 years in a nightmare that the out side could see but I just took it and carried on. Why? here is that simple question that’s the hardest to answer. I was raised by a Woman that had a ruff life. As a Mom she did her best but….. Yes there is always a but. This caused me to have a mental defect. See every year till I was around 9 she would drop me off in Vermont at my grandparents. She worked and my Dad was a long hall truck driver and this meant he was away a lot. So school ended and Off to the Farm I went. My mom would show up on Friday nights around 7pm and leave Sundays. When she would leave I would get emotional, because I felt like I was being dropped off like trash. So the ability to connect with females was very difficult for me. In high school I had a job. I made 14 bucks an hour cash ( it was the 80’s) Painting during my off seasons. Two girls would every day ask me for money. I did this for 4 years. I found out they would ask for money to give to there friends. Why? because I always had some. So lets recap a mom that would drop me off and 2 girls used me for money all by the age of 18. Now before any one starts there, Well when I was young……. Save it start your own blog. Then came graduation and I head off to the USMC. With an IQ of 178+ I join the USMC and let them play in my mind. A damaged mind in the home of the mind altering. What could possibly go wrong here. Plenty and it did, insert, PTSD to the mental fondue that was started as a child. So lets recap I have abandonment issues, followed by trust issues, and now PTSD. My first girl friend after the corp, we move in together started an affair with my cousin. I then Get married. Here is where we add Stockholm syndrome into all this. The world could see it I lived in it i did not I just kept trudging on. Every Friday night 9:30 to 10 pm it was FIGHT NIGHT, she would start an argument. WHAT THE FUCK CAN YOU DO AT 9:30 AT NIGHT ABOUT ANY THING. But that was fight night. So after My wife threw me out 74 times On the 75th I left. She was surprised and upset that I did. As we are going through a Divorce she has a Stroke. she was 45 years Old. This brings us to 2010 and A friend moves me from a Garage to their attic. So recap time: I have abandonment issues, followed by trust issues, and PTSD, and now I have added Stockholm, abuse issues in the fondue. Enter My Vampire, we fell in love because to start with we treated each other with the love we had both longed for. But we could never let the other fully in Why? ( here is that question again) for me if you cant figure it out reread the top as for her. That her story to tell not mine. So after we take turns breaking each others hearts, April 21st 2015, its ends not with a huge fight but some simple words. ” are you ever going to love me again?” Her reply ” I can’t I love some one else”. There it was 6:03 pm on a Wednesday. So on August 29th She, like my Mother and the Friend that Moved me in to their attic Dropped me Off and drove away. She at least gave me a stop one last look and then drove off. I hurt every day of my life I take a hand full of meds to kill the pain for a few hours. Issue with this, after living like this for 40 hours of staying numb my mind snaps and I scream in my pillow why? ( there it is again ) Why am I so broken? why did I let this happen? Why did some one not help? Why did I not help my self?

I’m in therapy now I’m self pay so ya its expensive. I even got a Bill for a 15 min phone call to my therapist. 45 bucks for 15 mins. Yes sex calls I think would be cheaper. A friend posted focus on the pain and you will always hurt. Focus on the lesson and you will grow. As I write this Out Aerosmith’s No more no more comes on the Radio. All Secrets are found out. I just wrote mine out. and Fuck, what do you know the pain is less.

Fair is a place they judge farm Animals………no place else is fair

I have my medical pot license. I buy the candies they last longer. I sometimes pet my dog who is under a year old. I cry because its one of the last times I will pet her till the last time. that’s one thing PTSD and Depression take away. It takes the good days. It takes the fun ugly days. Like changing clothes in the parking lot of Hershey park. No you see the Sad the end the this is one of the last times. On Dr Who they had this saying Every Christmas is last Christmas. Ptsd and depression take the happy and now away.

Sativa is said to make people giggle and feel euphoric. I will feel numb and even cry. So I lost the joy, the Giggle, the stupid funny. So the past 2 day I have lived on Sativa candy and Energy Drinks. Yes normal for a 50 your old man. So today I upped the dose of Sativa. What did I find. I found the edge. That place where the talk is not where is the funions to “dude what’s it all mean any way”. This was not my intent but some of the worlds best discovery’s came from, ” Oh ya, Here hold this…”. Thus we have what we have so ya its all hitting me now and ya. So we now know where the deep end of the pool is. Its not fair I have depression the ptsd that was a side effect. But here we are stoned like a biblical whore. Still feeling sad and numb. Its a victory now I have numb not pain. See a step up and all I had to do was hit the candy. The whispers are a sleep, the demons are away. There is only numb. I had to thing slam me in the chest this week. I woman I use to say mean things to and treated poorly said I was a good man just broken. My Brother saying he is proud of me for fighting my Depression. Both I hear other say, but I don’t see it. I see the sad the this is one less time I will do this… Yes its life and no one gets out a live. There is not one Hurst with a luggage rack. So its not Fair. But at least one thing that we cling to…HOPE…..

The Letter

When you live a life that can end at a moments notice, sometimes you write a letter. Marines, Seals, Army, cops, you get the point. Its a letter that is to a loved one that tells them every thing you never did when you had the chance. Yes its a letter from the grave, that leaves all the feelings on someone else. As you right it, its done alone because well your going to get emotional. Could be to Mom thanking her for well being Mom. Same for Dad, any Family member. See when you send the letter to them its verification of what they knew.

The OTHER letter. This is the letter you send to the girl you loved from high school. The guy you should have approached. This letter dumps all the feelings that they never knew was out there. This letter is the one that leaves the biggest mark. Its a letter from the dead and the receiver gets this letter from the dead with all these feelings.

I never had this Letter, well it was blank I never wrote it. In my mind, hey My mom would get the normal Navy treatment of 2 people knock on a door and say ” The Department of the Navy regrets to inform you your son was killed in a ‘Training’ accident we are sorry for your loss”. Some times as they walk away you here hey we should eat we have 4 more to do today.

We returned from ‘Training’ one short and we found his letter. It was addressed to his girlfriend, that had listened to the voices in her head one night and ended it. So here we are one short and a letter addressed to a dead girl. The letter fell to the floor when as we read who was to get it. Like some bad Icker was going to leach off of it. A letter from a dead guy to a dead girl. We looked at each other and burned the letter no one needed to know what was in that letter.

I write this today because I have days where no matter how stoned I get I yell or scream in a pillow and cry. This was first triggered by my former girlfriend as we started to play a game. I remember the shaking, the silent scream, the emotions. But she may have been the trigger it was not her that caused it. No it was all the years of being called a fucking idiot for getting a soda order wrong. It was the being compared to 4 other people. It was the You will never be good enough because your dyslexic your Stupid and can’t learn. She did not cause it, she was the trigger.

So now I get text messages, an hour after a Good morning messaged. That I forgot to hit send to reply to. Because now Pandora’s box has exploded and all the things trapped in there are out.

HOW DARE SHE DO THIS. How dare she do what? trigger an explosion that was going to happen. Humans need to put a face a name on things and actions.

I have my first meeting Friday the 9th. I head to get treatment. Others head to the sea. I have issues I need to correct that run deep. To blame her for the explosion is moronic. It was going to happen. So Now as I’m on leave of absence from work as they work on my mind. its kinda like I’m back fighting and I feel I should write my letter incase……. But again I have no one to write it to. So as I get ready for the scariest fight I have ever known. Alone, no one can do this for me. I’m alone. I have a guide but that’s all. So once more in the icker and bullshit that got me here as I search for the drain plug so it can all drain away and I can start a happy life. I ask . . . does not matter what I ask for I have all that I get.

If I did write the letter what would it say? who would I send it to? Hey thanks for triggering me I went to get help and it worked till it didn’t and now I’m dead. Thanks for all the Fish? Day one 2-9-2018 we are on the clock. 2-17-2018 I play poker again. We will see where life takes us……

It hurts today

Then you get the question. What hurts? Is it your back? your leg? a migraine? what hurts? And the answer is I do my mind hurts. Its hurt for a long time. I have a friend that calls me uncle Frank ( Frank Castle AKA the Punisher) My First wife called me House from the TV show. My Son called me Dragon. A third Watched NCIS and looked at me and said ya Leroy Jethro Gibbs fits you. She said I lived on lack of sleep, caffeine, Anger. She was right. So for 45 years I have suffered the slings and arrow. The comments, the memories and the deaths all the people that die and I don’t know how to morn. Every thing dies flowers, pets, people, relationships. The list is long and it all hurts. But when your are so use to eating it and living off the pain you for get the little things. The wonder in a childes eyes. The touch of a hand on the side of your face, that takes all the pain away for a short time. The feeling of a Hug. The morning kiss. You miss the sparkle in the person that loves you. Till its no longer there and you go through the motions of a relationship. You do things to hurt people to keep them a way. In an argument you hit ones to back them off after that any shit they ever did is open to use. Yes I fight dirty. I survive. There in lies the issue. I have lived to long, I have out lived my capacity to take any more. so now I’m on a wait list for mental help, insurance I have none it was $22 bucks for insurance a week or $22 bucks for food. Food won. So here I sit. I take the dog for a walk when its not 3 degrees. I have no coats that fit I put on 30 pounds from the not giving a fuck that has taken over. I have Heidi (my dog) she tries to get me out of the hole but she can only do so much. This week another week of waiting. So I sit in this pain. I can feel it flow out of my hands like Icker, (an oozing darkness you don’t want to touch people because you may infect them.) I have broken hearts and hurt people verbally on purpose. Just so they would leave so I could not infect them. So I hurt today, the pain meds work for a short time. The medical marijuana helps but its a band aid on a chest wound. I have more pain ahead. when I’m off the waiting list and I start to dig out this closet full of bullshit I have stored. So today is just one more day of pain. Yes pain ends it may hurt for an Hour, a Day, A year. but When your in the middle of the pain to you it will never end. So one more day of pain. Looking at things that needing done and saying fuck that. I do what I have to for my Treatment but that’s all I got energy for. Well Feeding Heidi I have time for that. So is the light at the end of the cave. Is it a train, Death, or Sun light. I have no fucking idea I just know at this moment I hurt…