Fiction Chapter 2: The evil that’s within

To Valhala

Chapter 2 The evil that’s within

Kasiday made her way back to the room. She is stopped with a start,  Jamend steps from the shadows.  Evening  Kasiday he says, with no inflection or feeling. Evening Lord Jemend, the hour is late, I did not expect you to be a wake.  I don’t sleep much when Airister sleeps in places like this, he says with a sigh.  Kasiday nods understanding his reservations.  You know what your going to face tonight Kasiday? You know the verbal abuse? The physical harm that could come to you? She nods with resignation.  Why then? you have a warm safe bed not more that a short walk from here.  I will pay for a carriage for you if you like. Jamend says with a tone of sadness.  Thank you M ‘lord but being the daughter of the master at arms, does have some perks. I do thank you though.  I will spend the night with him and keep his secrets, its the least I can do.  With a raised eyebrow Jamend is confused.  Kasiday, why do you watch over him? Kasiday replies that’s a question I’m being asked a lot to night.  Airister did not soil my name the night we first met, in a manor he kept it. She regales the gray with the tail of that night 6 winters ago.  How her escort was jumped. The attackers tried to take advantage of her.  How Airister mistaking her for some one else, in a drunken and drug induced haze.  The money he gave me was for my silence over what I saw later that nigh. also for  the families of my escort.  Jemend smiled at yet again more tails of Airister’s utter lack of control with the dispersion of  his gold. A fact that most would say was a fallacy.  Jamend what is he haunted by? what are the dreams? His screams. what caused all of that.  Jamend looked out over the great room, as if looking back through the  vail of many winters. He thinks to him self, if she only knew how old they really where. Would she still ask these questions. My brother is haunted by many battles. Of many needless deaths and of the Woman. Is all he would say. Kasiday nodded and took her leave. Jamend watched her walk away.  He sighs.  He knows the screams will soon come, The sounds of breaking furniture. The sounds of verbal abuse would soon start. Wondering how much the cost would be in the morning. His thoughts are broken by A cross voice from his room. Are you coming to bed and at least trying to sleep, the female voice asked. Yes, Yes I’m coming.
As Kasiday reached the room, the paladin was out side of the room. He is mumbling words.  His hands are a glow as he touched the door.  What are you doing Kasiday asked, wonderment in her eyes.  Beg pardon M ‘lady Saberman, I had thought you had went to your room for the evening.  Well I want to. As soon as you move away from the door, Man of God. Kasiday said with an indignant tone.  But, but, but, M ‘lady you are not a Tavern girl or a girl of entertainment, why will you take his  bed?… After being asked this same question for the 3rd time this night. Her retort was cutting and meant to sting.  He is a great lover, I like it ruff, now step aside man of God.  An, Paladin what was the prayer you where doing at this door.  A simple locking ward. I have learned to lock him in and the world out. I do it every night.  Kasiday lightly touches the Paladins cheek.  Why does a Man of God do such a thing for a man the world thinks you cant stand.  With a looks as if she has slapped him, he looks up and says. M ‘lady he has saved me many times in the past and I’m sure will again in the future. He is not evil like most think, nor is he good. He is what he is.  I will help him in any way I can.  With a smile she nods and asks How do I enter the room now that you have locked it? The Paladin points to the door being a jar. It will take hold when the door is shut for the last time.  Good rest man of God. I will take tonight’s watch for every one… With a nod the Paladin turns and heads to his room.  As he walks by a curtain he stops looks down and there are the boots he knows all to well.  Draius its time to be asleep. You have stolen enough for one day.  With a wiry smile Draius looks up at the paladin. Why father, you care,  that’s so nice.. As the words left his mouth he dives for the floor… floating in mid-air he wonders what has happened.  Rodman had the thief by the cloth shirt and was now dragging him back to his room. A wave, night pretty lady was all Draius could muster as he was thrown in to his room and the door locked.
Entering the room the only light is the Image stone. There, a female vampire form floats above it. It repeats over and over again “I love you.”  Kasiday glides across the room.  Standing in the middle of the room. She drops her robe. Raising her hand, starts to chant as the wind picks up.  Her hands start to glow. With a clap of her hands, all noise stops. nothing from the out side world can be heard. No carriages, no yelling drunks.  It’s as silent as a tomb.  From out of the darkness, a blow from an unseen hand catches her across the face.  It has started. Airister is a sleep, but he is haunted, he’s looking for a fight. Kasiday looks around for any sign of movement, but there is none. A second blow, she gets hit again.  Thinking fast she mumbles a new chant, a flash goes off.  She rolls out of the way, as a chair crashes down where she once laid.  Blood dripping from her nose and cut under her eye. As the flash fades away, Airister vanishes once again into the shadows.  Thinking quickly she pleads for help from the attackers.  “Won’t some one help me”.  A calm comes to the room, the sounds of two swords are drawn. They flare, as the swords come to life. There glow reveals a figure. It’s not human.  It standing as tall as a draft horse. With silver-gray skin, scales can be made out. She crawls over to the creature, hugs it’s leg.   In a gravel voice, woman, where are these attackers??
Kasiday seams to slide between the beast’s arms, touches his face.  Airister, you need to wake. She whispers in his ear. The beast seams to sway and shake his head.  You are having night visions again, its ok.
Airister, shakes the sleep away, looks about the room. A smashed table, broken bottles and a chair in many pieces.  Then he looks at Kasiday. There he sees a bruise, the blood dripping from her face.  He hangs his head. The demons had taken his mind again. Again he was raging.  Again he had lashed out. Once again caused pain to someone only trying to help.  Walking over to his saddle bag, he pulls a bottle from it.  Hands it to Kasiday, he cant look at the woman’s face. He cant bare to see the marks left there by his hand.  She looks at the bottle, then at Airister with a confused look….
Its not poison witch… just drink it…  He heads back to his saddle bag, and pulls out a sack of coins.. as she drinks from the bottle and feels a warm glow. She feels her face tingle, the damage seems to fade. She seams to feel younger  as if a year or so has been removed.  Turning back around Airister notices the bottle he gave her. Shaking his head, he mumbles “I need to read not just grab.”  Looking again in his saddle bag.  The saddle bags, seams to know no depth. He find a second bottle with a differ writing on it. He hangs his head.  Well my dear it seams I have given you the wrong bottle, but here take this one also.  Handing her a pouch along with the other bottle, he says I will call you a carriage to take you home.
The woman stands, a gust of wind blows the curtains to reveals a curvy and buxom young woman.  Airister, where I choose to sleep is my own concern. I’m tired of MEN telling me where I can sleep. NOW, you will wash your self, then meet me in bed.  Now move.  He mumbles, a yes Ma’am. The creature glides to the water closet, washes.
Kasiday, mumbling more words. The table and chair are fixed, the bottles are swept up.  The rooms seams to have suffered no damage.  Confused Airister looks at this woman in utterly amazement.  Kasiday kissing his lips, it’s magic my shadowy scaled lover.  Now to bed and soon to sleep.  Airister was confused, then  he realized he was just told it was time to apologize,  he was just told how it would be done……
Airister walks to the window as a form known all to well hides in the curtains. Grabs Draius by the neck. Now you can go to bed in your own room and stay there, or I can chain you up, and hang you from this window. Its your choice.  Before Draius could answer. Airister, looking down at the street. Sees a full figured lady of nightly entertainment walking by. She is dejected for not finding a mate for the night.
With a shrill whistle, louder than he meant to. He trys to get the woman’s attention.  It went  unheard, she walks on.
Confused he sticks his head out the window, holding Draius by the shirt out over the street whistled again.
This time she stops and looks up. Wench do you have a place to sleep tonight? Saddly she shakes her head no.  Ask the man at the door to step out here for a moment. The thick woman returns in a moment with the front door guard.  Airister tosses down 4 coins. He says, have the lovely lady go to, {shaking Draius like a rag doll} to his room. You will post a guard. See to it that no one leaves the room.  3 coins for you and one for the guard at the door of ( again shaking Draius) his room.
The woman looking confused, looks up. You will get your 3 coins in the morning. RIGHT THIEF?  But Airister  3 coins you did not even negotiate.  Pulling the thief close, I could drop you. Better yet told her 10. Now back to your room thief.  For Goddess sake Draius, steal her nicer clothes for morning meal.  Airister drops Draius on the railing. The thief finds his way back to his room.
As Airister turns feeling the gaze of an angry woman. He turns to see a freshly powdered woman with painted lips and dark eyes.  Well is all she said and tosses her head at the bed.  Airister starts to wonder who’s the hunter and who’s the hunted….. Looking over to Kasiday. why can I not hear the street? even with the windows open? She smiles, Its a simple spell we can’t hear the outside, the outside can’t hear us.  She blows the oil lamp out.  Looks at Airister then the Image stone then at Airister. Reaching over to the image stone, its placed back in the saddle bag and the room is once again dark.
Kasiday laying close, the  feeling of scales against her skin. Airister? yes Kasiday.  Airister what are you, I mean what is it you change into. In the light you look human. In the dark or shadow you vanish.  Airister slides from the bed. Not all that open about regaling people with is heritage. The woman once again chanting a spell, Her eyes glowing this time, they seam to stop and the room goes dark. Airister sits in darkness Seeing with the clarity of day light.  Not the inferred that the Drow and other creatures of the under world used.  No his eyes where not like others. He thinks, Ok so do we tell her the whole story or just parts of it, Do I enjoy her enough to trust her or just…., She speaks again. I can see you sitting there in the dark.  Confused no one sees Him in the dark how is she.  Thinking back he remembers her glowing eyes, more magic.  I’m going to have to watch you aren’t I? He states more to him self than to her.
Airister, I asked a question. I see your not giving up, are you? Kasiday laying on her side, exposed to Goddess and all to see her shape.  My dear, your body will not make me talk more. So you can cover up. Why does it bug you.  Seeing me with out cloths covering me, I care not. He sighs and sees yet again an argument he wont win, one of the many reason he pays for his nightly companionship.  A small flame appears and the air is filled with a soft smoke.  Looking over Kasiday has a short, rolled, leaf between her fingers.   Does your Father know you indulge in Dwarven ways.
Does the world know you are a Creature not a Man in the shadows and at night? Ok Point well taken.
I’m A Dragon, Kas. It was out in the open for one more to know his secret.  Now would he later have to kill her to keep this secret or would she keep it.  Kasiday stands, Dragon look at me what do you see?  A beautiful Lass of 21 winter, I mean 23 winters. Why do you ask Kas.
She stands. Starts to shimmer, as a streak can be seen in her hair. Her skin turns black as wings  form,  fangs appear.
Airister has seen a form like this before.  Not a normal sight in the land of men, But often seen in the lower plains.  Your a Demon, he says with little tone or fear.  This does not bother you?  he laughs.  My dear. I married a Vampire. I my self a Dragon, so you being a demon. ya, not a deal breaker.  She exhales, See we all have secrets.  If you only knew Kas, if you only knew.
Do the others know about your condition.  Really, Kas, just really.  My condition,  what its a cold? A case of leprosy? Are the others special? Kas, just stop digging.    You sound silly.  The others will talk when they are ready.
In truth yes they were all special. Each in there own way.  They had human forms so they could live with humans and not draw attention to them selves.
I heard tell Of Drows Now living in the light.  They follow a kinder Goddess. The realm has changed over many thousands of winters.  Some good, some bad, but hey.
Gems, Gold, silver, copper, and platinum are still used.  Magic is still all around, it has changed but still here.  No longer can you just learn it you need to be born from it.  Or have it in your bloodline.
Airister sniffs the air. A wet dog smell is faint but grows.   With a short Snap Airister tell Kas to change back and tosses a blanket over her.
Airister is standing at the window.   Draius hides to the left of it thinking he is unnoticed.  What do you want thief You should be with your friend for the night.  Well Dragon, a look crosses Airisters face.  Draius continues. Its long into the night no one can hear.  I’m sure your bed mate knows the truth by now.
I will throw you over the edge if you do not come to a point soon.  I need to do some Info gathering.
Draius you could not find intelligence in a library.  What are you getting at.  I think we are on a fools errand, he states.
In truth If there was one thing Draius could do, was find out every ones little secrets.
Dragon, how do you know where I am all the time? You smell like a wet dog, Draius.  Humans have not the nose we do.  Oh and tell your demon lady friend her secret is safe with me. Airister sighs.  Draius  shut up and go learn things. Back by early meal.  Make sure your friend is SLEEPING, we don’t need another dead body in your room.
Stepping back in to the room, Airister looks at a very unhappy Kas.  How long was he out there for? asking in a foul tone.  Well with the wind at this time of year.  I would say about 1/4 of a candle give or take.
Look Kas, If there is one thing the Dog can do is keep secrets.  Yes he babbles, but not about this. She draws again On the weed roll and exhales. You better be right.  A fire Rages in the Dragons eyes.  Kas, I like you. I will kill, you as easy as I breathe if you question any one of my friends again, understand?  With a nod she agrees.
She has seen first hand the rage he is capable of.  Few will rip a mans chest cavity open, looking for a ring that was swallowed. She shivers. Never out side of the lower realms has she seen this rage.
Kas. yes Dragon.  You don’t have to stay in your human form at night with me.  Just keep your wings closed, ok?
She smiles and nods. He makes his way back to the bed. Sounds can be heard coming from the out side world.  Kas,.. your spell is ending, how often can you cast it.  A fanged smile appears.  As often as I like Dragon. why do you ask?
Well I want to sleep. An you can get loud, we don’t need to wake guest four rooms down, do we? No Dragon is all she says.
Drawing again on her flaming weed.  Dragon? yes Kas.  The Paladin what will he say?  Little if any thing. Why do you ask.  Well the whole Paladin/Demon thing.  OH that issue.
The Paladin has his own issues. It will be of little matter to him.
In truth it was an issue, but many winters ago.  The paladin and the hunter had a discussion about Airister’s dating habits.
An uneasy truce was reached.  Well in truth a verbal lashing from Jamend,  Really ended the issue.
The ringing of steel had disturbed the gray.  This was not done.  So he had ended their chat with a rather large electrical storm.  A man in metal armor and a man holding twin swords will listen as lightning is flashing around.
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VENTING

I need to vent a moment. we have 22 vets a day deciding to end their lives .  But what is one of the larger news……… Coffee cups. yes Coffee cups.  So in essence. A disposable cup you have for 2 hours max in your day is worth more than a Human Life. .  It’s not us that’s wrong its the outside world i swear it is. .  your Theological view is wonderful i wont bring up mine.  Maybe if ptsd, depression, bipolar and suicide  from the later gets talked about as much as a red cup maybe just maybe we wont feel like Lepers.

You’re Not Me . . but thank you for your Opinion

rise_of_the_shadow_dragon female-vampire-art-vampire-hunter

It is better to be violent, if there is violence in our hearts, than to put on the cloak of nonviolence to cover impotence.” – Mahatma Gandhi quote

There are people who I like, sum I love and some I would not Piss on if they where on fire.  My circle of friends is very small 8 just enough for a full ring of Texas Hold’em.  I hear things like..

” You need to just walk away..”  You need to cut all ties”  “You are  just slowing your progress…”  “you’re only hurting your self”

Thank you for your view and I will take it under advisement.  I have made it out of hells that some movies would like to put up on the big screen.  Bad marriages, The Corp.  I live and I breath, I have battle scars, I have nightmares,  I have Raymond, but the strongest thing I have is Dragon(me).

….Good men, the last wave by, crying how bright
Their frail deeds might have danced in a green bay,
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

Wild men who caught and sang the sun in flight,
And learn, too late, they grieved it on its way,
Do not go gentle into that good night….

Dylan Thomas, 19141953

I needed to show my self I could step away, I did not need to read or look for a message.  I could have a life.  I’M A GEEK,JOCK,WISE ASS DEAL WITH IT WORLD.  Its funny I one day sent a text to a Gothic Modal.  Funny thing we became friends.  What do you know.  As we talk the ugly American with body image issues talking to the woman the camera loves.  It clicked I had started to become sheep, I had no independent thought.  I was in lock step with the culture of thin is in and you don’t know what’s good for you we do.  I love my friends from the starched Brit to the beautiful Vampire, From the Stead fast Ranger to the heroic Paladin and all in-between.  See they make up my window unto my world.  I thank them, but they’re not me.  I will listen and see their side, their point of view.  I can’t live my life by their standards I have to live by mine.  My standards say I will text, email, talk to who I want.  With the understanding of this. I like them in my life, not need, not must have, but some times I want to talk to some one that I miss.  Is that so wrong?  I’m me, I’m harsh, snarly, cheeky, mean-spirited, and also deep caring and willing to help.  So I will life the 6 inches in front of my face as I see fit I hope you all under stand.

THE DEVIL YOU KNOW

The devil you know

This is what we all must face.  Devil, Demon, Angel, Dragon, or Vampire.  The say the Devil was cast out from Heaven.   OK.  Now its funny a Pagan that prays to 3 ( 2 Goddess and a God) would start this with a thought like this.  I know what and who I am.  I’m a mental shop of horrors, I have many issues.  “;” this is my touch stone if you have no idea what it is Google the Semicolon movement.  I am a raging asshole of sarcasm, and snide comments.   Few I will give a kind word to, fewer yet will I allow to get close.  The ones that do all become Devils in their own way.  All are well-meaning, all with good intentions.  The path to hell is paved with good intentions.  I wait for “Morning _______”  from two people one I send a message of “Alive” to and one I chat with.  Which one means more?  AH there is the rub they are different people who hold different sway in my life.  The one the gets the chat is special in a different way than the one that gets the “alive” message.  I know skeletons in a lot of closets.  I know of secrets that can never be shared.   So the Devils I know for now I will keep.  They will change forms, sometimes will wear halos over a Vampire form.  All the while I have started bricking my self back into my cave not because I’m depressed but to heal.  To stop the cycle of pain that the good intentions bring.  Sadly I with draw from the world and close this side of my cave.  I will delve deeper in to my darkness and look for an endurance to the sky I will fly again in and feel the sun on my skin and do a Dragon dance on a distant hill where only I will be.  Knowing that this dance has been seen by only 2 others.  I miss people I pushed away.  I long for years gone by.  I will always miss “her”  it is what it is.  IF you’re truly my friend you will under stand if you’re not….. Sorry for your luck I will be who I am not to please you, but to be me.   long ago I let the world tell me who I was.  A jock and could never show I was smart.  Yesterday a person who is a beautiful model who’s pictures are loved my thousands asked me if when I get her Print if I would send her a picture of me holding the Print…… I asked why Your beautiful and I’m Chubby.  She said You may be chubby but that does not make you Ugly.   Life has changed for me,  as I sit here its all a layer of dust over a burnt wasteland.  Perspective what is there is a clean slate that the winds of change will blow away the dust leaving open ground and places to plant and to let things grow.  I will plant a Grove of roses and trees in memories of people in the past like a park to visit and remember.  As for now there is a slight breeze that is starting to move the dust.  I need to let it. I need to move and not block the wind…… We are all born as many men and we die as a single one……

OK

Jessica, Henry’s Secretary:
Mr. Turner, what’s wrong?

Henry:
Well, I had enough. So I said when.

Regarding Henry {1991}

Do you know the term 1000 yard stair.  The term dead inside.  That’s me. There is one woman in this world I love and will forever love.  Her name need not be typed here for she knows who she is.  I told her today that we can’t text, call, or email. She can text me in the morning I will reply alive.  That’s it.  It came to that, we both would argue and strike in works.  We would see who could hurt the other never mean to but we would subconsciously.. we did.   I’m the walking dead.   am I suicidal.. .no.  Would I care if I die this moment no.  I’m the walking dead.  I love her as I said that will never change.  I guess I do feel something.  Anger and hate.  We displace it on the other for we know what we did to the other but the fingers get pointed and the dishes get broken.  Then at one point some one say ” I can’t talk to you any more” and the replay is “OK”. . OK….. that’s it two letters  a love that moved mountains.  Saved us from a life of hell.  Is summed up with ok.  Shrugs  so that’s how it ends not with a crash or a bang or the slamming of a door. . . “OK” . . . In a few weeks I may call her, tell her to have her snack.  Ask about our Dogs.  I don’t know as with any recovery its day by day.  I will stay up as always to see 12:01am to know I have seen another day. I will know I have the strength to do it again after a 4 hour sleep of the dead with no dreams.  just black.  little slices of death.  I can go days with no sleep. 4 day with a 3 hours nap every 20 hours and I could function.  Done it may time.   So as Dragon scrubs the stain off the wall of the castle.  Raymond screams and pounds his fist against the scale hide. NO, NO YOU CANT TAKE THE LAST OF HER FROM ME.  He scrubs the pain and the hurt all the time dying in side.  He loves her he misses her, he wants her back.  One last echo trapped in a bottle of “I LOVE YOU DRAGON” for when the demons are clawing at the door. The voices scream in my head.  I can stop in hale and hear her say “ I love you my Dragon.”……. OK……….

The path to hell is paved……..

  • Good charactor
  • Its funny why when someone breaks a promise, the first thing they say when you ask them for something is I promise.  I have people around me that I love but I often feel they  just do not read.  Ok they read but they miss the point of the blog.    I read my blog the fat kid to some one…. they half heard what I said. Their reply was sorry but never said any thing about the blog.   I have a friend ask how they can make me more at ease with somethings. They say they under stand and will, then promptly say why they did not do it, or they find reasons why they could not get it done or just forget one hour after they say they will.  They try to make it up after they are reminded about their promise.  They make some last-ditch effort.  You know they forgot and you feel like you mean very little to them.  They say I had a lot on my mind, I just forgot, it was a busy day.  I have a list that I have had used on me.  How do you believe someone when they have a track record of this.  Does the statement I promise  mean so little.  I have promised to try to learn to fly.  To change my ways with hygiene, and life habits.  I hear how proud they are, but where is their side of the bargain.  As I write this I fear that I will lose someone very dear to me.  They keep hurting me.  They say they love me.  If you love me why do you hurt me.  It may seem small to you.  It may seem stupid to you.  To someone with mental issues. PTSD, Depression, they look forward to that time, that chat, that picture.  The sad part is when they don’t fill their side of a promise you wonder if you die would they care, would you be missed?  If you stopped calling, stopped texting, stopped emailing would they miss you?? In my heart I hope they would call but I don’t know and that is what is so sad.

its 4:03 and I cant sleep

its 403

Yesterday was the day I knew would come.  The day the first picture was posted.  The picture of my best friend with someone else, it sucked but I lived.  There was no earth shattering, violent, heart stopping moment. It was a moment in time. A moment that was going to happen.  The earth still continued to rotate, the sky did not turn as blood, the seas did not boil and the sun still shone from the heavens.  It was a moment in time.

Like so many, many times it happens.  You have an idea in your head on how it will be, how it will affect you and it just is not so.  Does that mean I did not love her? Does that mean I was wrong with my feelings? Does that mean…… I could ask this same question ten thousand way but to what end.  Another way to self harm? a way to beat my self up?, away to bully my self?.   She loves some one else, it happens. She is still my best friend, some one I can talk to, some one I laugh with, some one that wont run away.

When I sat down to write this I had an idea where this would go……..  It never made it to where I had wanted it to.  I guess its fitting because in life its the same way.  We have a grand plan on how we want things, what we want, who we want to be with.  Well boys and girls guess what, life never really works out that way.  You can have that middle class life with “the home the fence, the 2 cats and a dog and life use to be so hard….” Sorry there is that  AM music station again.  Karma, life, reality, call it what you will it goes on.  My best friend and I attached in away that can not be put in to words yet I still try.   At this point in time she is with someone else.  In the grand scheme of life no one knows what will be, or what could be again.  We remember and see what was. Some will read this and think “where did he go off the rails with this?”.  Some will think “wow this was deep!!”.  Finally some with think ” he needs some Fucking Sleep”  I believe in very few things.  I believe that sometimes shit just happens.  I believe that some times avoiding getting hurt in the past makes it worse in the future.  I believe that some times you need to step away from a relationship ( change its dynamics for a while ) so that you can understand what needs to be adjusted, fix and / or changed.  I still believe in every life a little Raina must fall from the heavens.

WHY AM I SO STUPID

WHY

WHY AM I SO STUPID.  I hurt so I attack I say things to make people hurt because they hurt me.  My best friend was at one time my girlfriend.  Now she seems to be the person I hurt the most I blow up for no reason and we fight because well we argue.  NO ITS NOT COOL. Yes I do hate my self.  so please no indigent comments below I will just delete them. I know I’m an ass. I know I hurt, I know I’m alone, I know it took two to get here. Something makes me attack.  Today was the dumbest of all.  I said something that as I did the replay in my head I was wrong.  Now the words are out there. The toothpaste never to go back into the tube.  So I start again and try to honor this woman who has a strong heart and soul.  One day I hope and strive to be the Dragon she once loved and protected. Now I’m the Dragon that haunts nightmares and lives in shadows.  I long to be in the sunlight of that smile. So tomorrow is a new day and maybe a new start.  One day there wont be a new day a new start.  IF I still am this way I will always feel the pain of what could have been I have one real regret in my life, every day now I seem to prove to the world why she was smart to get rid of me what will it take for me to understand, when I stop hurting people around me. I will start to heal my self and stop hurting……