WHY
VENTING
I need to vent a moment. we have 22 vets a day deciding to end their lives . But what is one of the larger news……… Coffee cups. yes Coffee cups. So in essence. A disposable cup you have for 2 hours max in your day is worth more than a Human Life. . It’s not us that’s wrong its the outside world i swear it is. . your Theological view is wonderful i wont bring up mine. Maybe if ptsd, depression, bipolar and suicide from the later gets talked about as much as a red cup maybe just maybe we wont feel like Lepers.
You’re Not Me . . but thank you for your Opinion
“It is better to be violent, if there is violence in our hearts, than to put on the cloak of nonviolence to cover impotence.” – Mahatma Gandhi quote
There are people who I like, sum I love and some I would not Piss on if they where on fire. My circle of friends is very small 8 just enough for a full ring of Texas Hold’em. I hear things like..
” You need to just walk away..” You need to cut all ties” “You are just slowing your progress…” “you’re only hurting your self”
Thank you for your view and I will take it under advisement. I have made it out of hells that some movies would like to put up on the big screen. Bad marriages, The Corp. I live and I breath, I have battle scars, I have nightmares, I have Raymond, but the strongest thing I have is Dragon(me).
….Good men, the last wave by, crying how bright
Their frail deeds might have danced in a green bay,
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.Wild men who caught and sang the sun in flight,
And learn, too late, they grieved it on its way,
Do not go gentle into that good night….Dylan Thomas, 1914 – 1953
I needed to show my self I could step away, I did not need to read or look for a message. I could have a life. I’M A GEEK,JOCK,WISE ASS DEAL WITH IT WORLD. Its funny I one day sent a text to a Gothic Modal. Funny thing we became friends. What do you know. As we talk the ugly American with body image issues talking to the woman the camera loves. It clicked I had started to become sheep, I had no independent thought. I was in lock step with the culture of thin is in and you don’t know what’s good for you we do. I love my friends from the starched Brit to the beautiful Vampire, From the Stead fast Ranger to the heroic Paladin and all in-between. See they make up my window unto my world. I thank them, but they’re not me. I will listen and see their side, their point of view. I can’t live my life by their standards I have to live by mine. My standards say I will text, email, talk to who I want. With the understanding of this. I like them in my life, not need, not must have, but some times I want to talk to some one that I miss. Is that so wrong? I’m me, I’m harsh, snarly, cheeky, mean-spirited, and also deep caring and willing to help. So I will life the 6 inches in front of my face as I see fit I hope you all under stand.
Deployed to America : The final Battlefield Please take a Moment to read
THE DEVIL YOU KNOW
This is what we all must face. Devil, Demon, Angel, Dragon, or Vampire. The say the Devil was cast out from Heaven. OK. Now its funny a Pagan that prays to 3 ( 2 Goddess and a God) would start this with a thought like this. I know what and who I am. I’m a mental shop of horrors, I have many issues. “;” this is my touch stone if you have no idea what it is Google the Semicolon movement. I am a raging asshole of sarcasm, and snide comments. Few I will give a kind word to, fewer yet will I allow to get close. The ones that do all become Devils in their own way. All are well-meaning, all with good intentions. The path to hell is paved with good intentions. I wait for “Morning _______” from two people one I send a message of “Alive” to and one I chat with. Which one means more? AH there is the rub they are different people who hold different sway in my life. The one the gets the chat is special in a different way than the one that gets the “alive” message. I know skeletons in a lot of closets. I know of secrets that can never be shared. So the Devils I know for now I will keep. They will change forms, sometimes will wear halos over a Vampire form. All the while I have started bricking my self back into my cave not because I’m depressed but to heal. To stop the cycle of pain that the good intentions bring. Sadly I with draw from the world and close this side of my cave. I will delve deeper in to my darkness and look for an endurance to the sky I will fly again in and feel the sun on my skin and do a Dragon dance on a distant hill where only I will be. Knowing that this dance has been seen by only 2 others. I miss people I pushed away. I long for years gone by. I will always miss “her” it is what it is. IF you’re truly my friend you will under stand if you’re not….. Sorry for your luck I will be who I am not to please you, but to be me. long ago I let the world tell me who I was. A jock and could never show I was smart. Yesterday a person who is a beautiful model who’s pictures are loved my thousands asked me if when I get her Print if I would send her a picture of me holding the Print…… I asked why Your beautiful and I’m Chubby. She said You may be chubby but that does not make you Ugly. Life has changed for me, as I sit here its all a layer of dust over a burnt wasteland. Perspective what is there is a clean slate that the winds of change will blow away the dust leaving open ground and places to plant and to let things grow. I will plant a Grove of roses and trees in memories of people in the past like a park to visit and remember. As for now there is a slight breeze that is starting to move the dust. I need to let it. I need to move and not block the wind…… We are all born as many men and we die as a single one……
OK
Jessica, Henry’s Secretary:
Mr. Turner, what’s wrong?Henry:
Well, I had enough. So I said when.Regarding Henry {1991}
Do you know the term 1000 yard stair. The term dead inside. That’s me. There is one woman in this world I love and will forever love. Her name need not be typed here for she knows who she is. I told her today that we can’t text, call, or email. She can text me in the morning I will reply alive. That’s it. It came to that, we both would argue and strike in works. We would see who could hurt the other never mean to but we would subconsciously.. we did. I’m the walking dead. am I suicidal.. .no. Would I care if I die this moment no. I’m the walking dead. I love her as I said that will never change. I guess I do feel something. Anger and hate. We displace it on the other for we know what we did to the other but the fingers get pointed and the dishes get broken. Then at one point some one say ” I can’t talk to you any more” and the replay is “OK”. . OK….. that’s it two letters a love that moved mountains. Saved us from a life of hell. Is summed up with ok. Shrugs so that’s how it ends not with a crash or a bang or the slamming of a door. . . “OK” . . . In a few weeks I may call her, tell her to have her snack. Ask about our Dogs. I don’t know as with any recovery its day by day. I will stay up as always to see 12:01am to know I have seen another day. I will know I have the strength to do it again after a 4 hour sleep of the dead with no dreams. just black. little slices of death. I can go days with no sleep. 4 day with a 3 hours nap every 20 hours and I could function. Done it may time. So as Dragon scrubs the stain off the wall of the castle. Raymond screams and pounds his fist against the scale hide. NO, NO YOU CANT TAKE THE LAST OF HER FROM ME. He scrubs the pain and the hurt all the time dying in side. He loves her he misses her, he wants her back. One last echo trapped in a bottle of “I LOVE YOU DRAGON” for when the demons are clawing at the door. The voices scream in my head. I can stop in hale and hear her say “ I love you my Dragon.”……. OK……….
The path to hell is paved……..
- Its funny why when someone breaks a promise, the first thing they say when you ask them for something is I promise. I have people around me that I love but I often feel they just do not read. Ok they read but they miss the point of the blog. I read my blog the fat kid to some one…. they half heard what I said. Their reply was sorry but never said any thing about the blog. I have a friend ask how they can make me more at ease with somethings. They say they under stand and will, then promptly say why they did not do it, or they find reasons why they could not get it done or just forget one hour after they say they will. They try to make it up after they are reminded about their promise. They make some last-ditch effort. You know they forgot and you feel like you mean very little to them. They say I had a lot on my mind, I just forgot, it was a busy day. I have a list that I have had used on me. How do you believe someone when they have a track record of this. Does the statement I promise mean so little. I have promised to try to learn to fly. To change my ways with hygiene, and life habits. I hear how proud they are, but where is their side of the bargain. As I write this I fear that I will lose someone very dear to me. They keep hurting me. They say they love me. If you love me why do you hurt me. It may seem small to you. It may seem stupid to you. To someone with mental issues. PTSD, Depression, they look forward to that time, that chat, that picture. The sad part is when they don’t fill their side of a promise you wonder if you die would they care, would you be missed? If you stopped calling, stopped texting, stopped emailing would they miss you?? In my heart I hope they would call but I don’t know and that is what is so sad.
its 4:03 and I cant sleep
Yesterday was the day I knew would come. The day the first picture was posted. The picture of my best friend with someone else, it sucked but I lived. There was no earth shattering, violent, heart stopping moment. It was a moment in time. A moment that was going to happen. The earth still continued to rotate, the sky did not turn as blood, the seas did not boil and the sun still shone from the heavens. It was a moment in time.
Like so many, many times it happens. You have an idea in your head on how it will be, how it will affect you and it just is not so. Does that mean I did not love her? Does that mean I was wrong with my feelings? Does that mean…… I could ask this same question ten thousand way but to what end. Another way to self harm? a way to beat my self up?, away to bully my self?. She loves some one else, it happens. She is still my best friend, some one I can talk to, some one I laugh with, some one that wont run away.
When I sat down to write this I had an idea where this would go…….. It never made it to where I had wanted it to. I guess its fitting because in life its the same way. We have a grand plan on how we want things, what we want, who we want to be with. Well boys and girls guess what, life never really works out that way. You can have that middle class life with “the home the fence, the 2 cats and a dog and life use to be so hard….” Sorry there is that AM music station again. Karma, life, reality, call it what you will it goes on. My best friend and I attached in away that can not be put in to words yet I still try. At this point in time she is with someone else. In the grand scheme of life no one knows what will be, or what could be again. We remember and see what was. Some will read this and think “where did he go off the rails with this?”. Some will think “wow this was deep!!”. Finally some with think ” he needs some Fucking Sleep” I believe in very few things. I believe that sometimes shit just happens. I believe that some times avoiding getting hurt in the past makes it worse in the future. I believe that some times you need to step away from a relationship ( change its dynamics for a while ) so that you can understand what needs to be adjusted, fix and / or changed. I still believe in every life a little Raina must fall from the heavens.
WHY AM I SO STUPID
WHY AM I SO STUPID. I hurt so I attack I say things to make people hurt because they hurt me. My best friend was at one time my girlfriend. Now she seems to be the person I hurt the most I blow up for no reason and we fight because well we argue. NO ITS NOT COOL. Yes I do hate my self. so please no indigent comments below I will just delete them. I know I’m an ass. I know I hurt, I know I’m alone, I know it took two to get here. Something makes me attack. Today was the dumbest of all. I said something that as I did the replay in my head I was wrong. Now the words are out there. The toothpaste never to go back into the tube. So I start again and try to honor this woman who has a strong heart and soul. One day I hope and strive to be the Dragon she once loved and protected. Now I’m the Dragon that haunts nightmares and lives in shadows. I long to be in the sunlight of that smile. So tomorrow is a new day and maybe a new start. One day there wont be a new day a new start. IF I still am this way I will always feel the pain of what could have been I have one real regret in my life, every day now I seem to prove to the world why she was smart to get rid of me what will it take for me to understand, when I stop hurting people around me. I will start to heal my self and stop hurting……