What you take with you…..

Ashes to ashes and dust to dust. The crap you surround your self with cant come. Its stuff that’s all it is. It may be nice to look at, but when you die its just junk. The coins, the china, the pictures. They put you in a little box. Most times cover you up with dirt and rocks. Maybe a bar B Q. then you are ashes that can be thrown to a strong wind. That is of course is if you’re in a state that will let your biodegradable ash be tossed to the winds.

The crap we have every piece of it is a weapon. My best friend after giving me a tablet for Christmas. She threaten to return it because she was mad. When me and my last girl friend ended I could not take the gym I asked for because I did not show enough gratitude.

You work hard for the house the yard the 2 maybe 3 dogs and for what. When your gone your not taking it with you. Death does not pull up to your door with a truck and say ” pick out 10 items “. nope you drop and the 22 grams leaves your body and your dead. Your body now a home for flies and worms. The essence that what was you is gone. The meat that is laying on the floor is what was. Now that pile of muscle bone and chemicals that will break it down is set free.

So your body is there surrounded buy all the things that YOU had to have to make you happy. OR you get divorced or break up or just end. Now each item is a weapon to use to inflict maximum pain. The hurt, the that’s mine. You can have the pictures, the minutia, the petty bullshit. All that we will do is just toss aside or place on some forgotten shelf because be cant look at it because its THEIRS. When we die the kids go to the survivor. when we end the kids are just MORE WEAPONS. Its a fucking arms race.

You want it take it. Hope you enjoy all the memories that goes with it. The art I want I will take with me its on my body. The only worldly things that I cant are my furries. Heidi, Airi, Lucy ( both with their mom). BUT as for the rest of this bullshit. A ring, a neckless, the picture at a birthday party or at a fancy dinner. this will not being taken when the 22 grams that is you leaves……

People will think that this is a woh woh is me but in truth. I’m free. A car gets me places ok and when I die it will get some one else from place to place. But as for me.

Enjoy those windows that cost you so much. Enjoy the fence you paid 2x as much for in interest. Enjoy all the trappings that “Stuff holds”

King Osric: There comes a time, thief, when the jewels cease to sparkle, when the gold loses its luster, when the throne room becomes a prison, and all that is left is a father’s love for his child.

Conan, Movie

That’s all stuff is a prison a mountain of crap that you think more of, then what’s out side your front door. Life is the living things around you. Not the stuff you pick up on vacation. Pictures fade. People are forgotten. When the end comes your stuff stays and you GO.

Dear John……..

In the time of the inter web you can reach out and touch someone at any time.  This is good and bad.  When me and my former ended she did it face to face, in a car a foot away from me.  I was in the corp in the 80’s.  The time of phones and letters.  If they left you it would take time to get the letter.  Now its a text on the phone, or email or skype as your on the other side of the world.  I’m glad I was in then and not now.  It takes a strong person to deal with that life.  Both at home and in country.

If your lucky to make it home after your tour or TOURS.  You have many things to deal with.

• one your Home but your different.
• your partner now has you back and they’re use to being alone.
• If you have kids you need to remember they’re kids
• Then there is the Demons in your head
• the Ghost of friends still on patrol

The list is endless.  I could not live with having access to family and then put them out of my head to go get shot at.  It was easier in a letter because you would not know till later.

It takes courage to break up with someone face to face.  Some have it.  To look into the eyes of a former love and say ” I love someone else ” or ” I cant live like this “.  The words are always different but the out come is the same. “Good Bye”.  I have a hard time saying those 2 words.  Because its the end.  If I say ” good bye ”  its at a funeral or we wont meet again because I’m done have a good life.  This is 90% of the time it sometimes slips out.  Could be subconscious because I should walk away.  That is for a different blog.

On Facebook I see pictures of peoples friends that could not deal with the memories and the Demons in their head  won.  Those Demons had me and they almost won a week ago.  I did not care if I woke up and if you read my blog you know the story.  What scared me was not being scared.  22 a day we lose to the Demons that cant be seen.  They touch your heart, your sole, your whole life.

What we forget when we get out is the one basic concept that kept us alive in country.  You depend on your team, your unit.  But for some strange reason when we get out we forget that one simple standard.  You may not like the guy next to you but that’s not part of the job.  The job is you fill their body bags not you own.  We get home and the team mentality is gone.  Issue is you need it more now than ever.   You can’t fight the Demons alone.  Because you can never win a fight with your self.

Col. Cal Rhodes: You know, for years, I couldn’t sleep after Korea. My nightmares all had to do with the Chosin Reservoir. The ground there was so frozen, we couldn’t bury our dead. We had to pile ’em on trucks and lash them up against the tanks. For years I’d wake up with those dead, frozen faces staring at me.

Wilkes: Did it ever go away?

Col. Cal Rhodes: No… I finally made friends with them, though.

Movie Uncommon valor

You need to own that your not the same person that left for Boot.  Your not the same after any incursion you lose a little more to the Demons till you have become something different.  The old you is gone and as the song says Yesterdays gone.

For years I have taken pain meds for Migraines.  As I get older my body is breaking down faster.  Joint pain, sciatica, Migraines, and the “HURT” that comes with the Demons.

Johnson: Red wine and uppers… that’s why we call him Sailor. He used to take a lot of red wine and uppers, and just sail away.

Charts: How come he wears that goddamned grenade around his neck?

Blaster: Sailor always said, that if life got too shitty, he’d just pull the pin and see what’s next.

Uncommon Valor

I started counseling.  A former Marine reminded me you fight with a team not alone.  So here we are in a fight with an enemy I can not see.  But touches every part of my life.  I lost 3 relationships because I tried to fight alone.  One left me for a cousin.  The 2nd asked for a divorce.  The 3rd well that’s where this started.  I still have my Demons.  I’m fighting but not alone.  The former still rips my ass when i’m stupid.  My brother shows me a different way.  Every morning I get a hello sweetie, from some-one who trust me.  With as broken as I am she still trust me to watch her treasure.  Her son.

The Demons wont take me.  I’m saying when.  I kept asking my self what will it take. what will it take for me to understand that I have the right to be happy.  a message from my brother “… your a good friend/brother/person. You doin your best with what you have…”.

I’m so deep in the cave of Demons its not funny.  Now I have a map.  I can finally hear people calling.  I’m not going lose this one.  I have a bracelet I want to win.

Why? The hardest simple Question ever…..

No more, no more
No more, no more

Me and my life a screamer bound to a wife in marriage
Baby I’m a dreamer
Found my horse and carriage

Ladies hold the aces while my lovers call it passion
The men call it pleasure but to me it’s old fashioned
Times they’re a-changin’ nothing ever stands still
If I don’t stop changin’ I’ll be writin’ my will
It’s the same old story never get a second chance
For a dance to the top of the hill

No more No more – Aerosmith album toys in the attic 1975

Every one lives by there own set of rules there code if you will. If you like NCIS there is Gibb’s rules, 53 I think at last count (google Gibb’s rules if you want and exact number). Mine is a little more fluid, one main rule: Truth is relative pick one that works. History is written by the winners. Its often altered to fit what agenda needs to be pushed. If you live in the South its the War of Northern Aggression. History calls it the civil war. I have friends that stay in bad relationships because they know its bad but they just can’t break it off. I lived 17 years in a nightmare that the out side could see but I just took it and carried on. Why? here is that simple question that’s the hardest to answer. I was raised by a Woman that had a ruff life. As a Mom she did her best but….. Yes there is always a but. This caused me to have a mental defect. See every year till I was around 9 she would drop me off in Vermont at my grandparents. She worked and my Dad was a long hall truck driver and this meant he was away a lot. So school ended and Off to the Farm I went. My mom would show up on Friday nights around 7pm and leave Sundays. When she would leave I would get emotional, because I felt like I was being dropped off like trash. So the ability to connect with females was very difficult for me. In high school I had a job. I made 14 bucks an hour cash ( it was the 80’s) Painting during my off seasons. Two girls would every day ask me for money. I did this for 4 years. I found out they would ask for money to give to there friends. Why? because I always had some. So lets recap a mom that would drop me off and 2 girls used me for money all by the age of 18. Now before any one starts there, Well when I was young……. Save it start your own blog. Then came graduation and I head off to the USMC. With an IQ of 178+ I join the USMC and let them play in my mind. A damaged mind in the home of the mind altering. What could possibly go wrong here. Plenty and it did, insert, PTSD to the mental fondue that was started as a child. So lets recap I have abandonment issues, followed by trust issues, and now PTSD. My first girl friend after the corp, we move in together started an affair with my cousin. I then Get married. Here is where we add Stockholm syndrome into all this. The world could see it I lived in it i did not I just kept trudging on. Every Friday night 9:30 to 10 pm it was FIGHT NIGHT, she would start an argument. WHAT THE FUCK CAN YOU DO AT 9:30 AT NIGHT ABOUT ANY THING. But that was fight night. So after My wife threw me out 74 times On the 75th I left. She was surprised and upset that I did. As we are going through a Divorce she has a Stroke. she was 45 years Old. This brings us to 2010 and A friend moves me from a Garage to their attic. So recap time: I have abandonment issues, followed by trust issues, and PTSD, and now I have added Stockholm, abuse issues in the fondue. Enter My Vampire, we fell in love because to start with we treated each other with the love we had both longed for. But we could never let the other fully in Why? ( here is that question again) for me if you cant figure it out reread the top as for her. That her story to tell not mine. So after we take turns breaking each others hearts, April 21st 2015, its ends not with a huge fight but some simple words. ” are you ever going to love me again?” Her reply ” I can’t I love some one else”. There it was 6:03 pm on a Wednesday. So on August 29th She, like my Mother and the Friend that Moved me in to their attic Dropped me Off and drove away. She at least gave me a stop one last look and then drove off. I hurt every day of my life I take a hand full of meds to kill the pain for a few hours. Issue with this, after living like this for 40 hours of staying numb my mind snaps and I scream in my pillow why? ( there it is again ) Why am I so broken? why did I let this happen? Why did some one not help? Why did I not help my self?

I’m in therapy now I’m self pay so ya its expensive. I even got a Bill for a 15 min phone call to my therapist. 45 bucks for 15 mins. Yes sex calls I think would be cheaper. A friend posted focus on the pain and you will always hurt. Focus on the lesson and you will grow. As I write this Out Aerosmith’s No more no more comes on the Radio. All Secrets are found out. I just wrote mine out. and Fuck, what do you know the pain is less.

Lets make it Buddy check any day

October 10th is world mental health day.. if you did not know … You should, many suffer for mental illness I was lucky I have friends/family that under stand. I long to end the pain of this illness. I know my friends have paid for my illness. Some with broken heart some with hurt feelings but they never left me. Some had to break up with me to save them selves but still stayed close and helped me. Today is a day that we need to remember that not every one says I’m going to kill my self. They just do it. Wednesday is called buddy check day if you did time in the service…… I think it should just be a thing you never know what a call will do.

THE DREAM REMAINS THE SAME……

So it has started again. It’s the sleep of the dead till I see her. She is kneeling beside me. Hair is long but kind curled ( a wave) she is covered in blood. Her dress is white with stitching and beads. Its a sunny day, she is laughing. Knife can be seen and the blood is mine. Only change this time is my dog is laying at my head as i slip to darkness……….. Poker also sucks last to major online tournaments.

Many times and she is Stunning

TWO PEOPLE THE SAME ISSUE DIFFERENT ENDS…..

Let me start this by saying, I’m not a psychologist, Councilor or a Doctor.

I suffer from ptsd, survivors guilt, and depression.  I’m a mental shop of horrors.  I was into some very bad things.  things that would have ended up with me in Jail or worse.  The dirt nap.  Which at a time I would have loved.

I’m not suicidal, I have a death wish, huge difference.  I want to die but I wont do it because well I’m shallow.  I don’t want people to be ashamed of me.  NOW that said your choice is your choice I’m saying what MINE is.  Keep your poison pen letters to your self.  My head, my world, you are reading this of your own free will.

I have seen time and time again that one of the biggest things that help the person with ptsd.  It is the love and understanding of some one.  It needs to be a Lover.  Because the person with ptsd needs love of someone to make them feel safe.  The ones that don’t have that seams to be more destructive than those that do.

Now here is the rub.  The person that helps, the person with ptsd.  May not be the person that the ptsd survivor spends the rest of their life with.  I will let that sink in.  See we meet people for reasons.  Some heal, some break, some repair, some destroy.  But they all have a place.  The person that fixes ( wrong word but) the ptsd survivor may not be the person that’s right for them long term.

From my side two women saved me.  One gave me a bed and a place to wall up at.  The other a beautiful woman that I still hold dear.  The 2nd woman loved me so much she rearranged her world for me.  And helped me heal.  As I healed it was becoming apparent that we had started to grow apart.  Now she held me as I cried.  Screamed at the world.   Fought my demons.  She would make me lay in bed with her and not ghost the house when I could not sleep.  She would take the Dragon strikes and love me after.  She took the brunt and stood strong.  Till she could do no more and was time for me to face the world I had ran from.

People that can not connect with that one person.  They drift and spiral down to the abyss that there is little chance to come back from.  Yes sometimes beauty can save the beast.  The beast can be a woman that needs the hansom man to save her.  To love her for all her scars and warts.  A man that can find the love of a Woman.  That will stand in Dragons fire and look more polished than before.  Again they may not be the forever loves.  They my have a year, or 5.  But they will have something that only people that have seen combat can understand.  For they have seen combat.  the War of a soul.  Of a person.  Of a human being.  We have scars some are seen, some are invisible.  At this time most of my hero’s are all women.  Because they have a style and grace to just smile and look stunning after.  I’m the Dirty, unshaven, heathen.  But I’m seeing the day light.  So in a sense the women are Valkyries leading the warrior home.

To a druid that gave me a Bed and a cave.  To the Vampire that withstood the fire and anger.  To the gothic model that told me that because I’m broken does not me I’m useless.  The army Harlequin,  the Mom Model.  They all have lead me a little further.  Many more have touched me I just named a few.

The difference between the two people with PTSD.  One allowed the right person in.  The other let NO one in.   There is a scene from a movie called UNCOMMON VALOR

Col. Cal Rhodes: You know, for years, I couldn’t sleep after Korea. My nightmares all had to do with the Chosin Reservoir. The ground there was so frozen, we couldn’t bury our dead. We had to pile ’em on trucks and lash them up against the tanks. For years I’d wake up with those dead, frozen faces staring at me.

Wilkes: Did it ever go away?

Col. Cal Rhodes: No… I finally made friends with them, though.

You need someone to love you that will give you the feeling of safety that will allow the healing to begin.  With out that they fight the war and never have a chance to breathe.

Talk to some one, let some one in.  Your not week to open up.  Your stronger for knowing you cant do it all.  In the Corp  It’s not the single man its the team.  You cant win this fight alone.  Its ok to let someone fight for you so you can breathe.

LIFE IS NOT FOR THE WEAK. NO ONE GETS OUT ALIVE….

You can have the sound of a thousand voices calling your name.  You can have the light of the world blind you, bathe you in grace.  But I don’t see so easily what you hold in your hands.  Cause castles crumble, kingdoms fall and turn into sand.

You can be an angel of mercy or give into hate.  You can try to buy it just like it every other careless mistake.  How do you justify I’m mystified by the ways of your heart.  With a million lies the truth will rise to tear you apart.

No one gets out alive, every day is do or die.  The one thing you leave behind.  Is how did you love, how did you love?  It’s not what you believe; those prayers will make you bleed.  But while you’re on your knees.  How did you love, how did you love, how did you love?

Shinedown ” How do you love”

Life is not for the weak. No one gets out alive.  Very morbid and dark views.  As a friend tells me every day some truths are universal.  People do things with out thinking.  They do things that to them seams smart and a good choice.  If they step back and look at it from both sides its really kinda shitty.   Winter is setting in and I watch as some of my facebook friends lives are changing.  Some are getting a new home after working 20 hours a day.  The Pictures of Lexi on the top are of her changing her look because fuck it why not.

• Just so you know I swear sometimes a lot so read at your own peril.

Something happened to me earlier this week no I wont go into it but it was like really.  I have mental issues and something will cause my alter ego come out.  Its drastic changes and surprises.  Well a friend tossed a hand grenade at me I nicely sent it back.  Is what it is their life is going side ways.

So I spent a few days looking at it and what I cam up with is this.  People will act or react with out thinking.  we all do it.  I will make you pay for a long time for a non thinking comment.  A pound of flesh is it right? No. But ya I do it.  Broad brush  statement in 3. 2. 1.  Some women will say nothing is wrong for weeks till you drag it out of them.  Sorry I played that gave for 25 years with 2 different people, not doing it any more.  Tell me or let it go, you holding on to it and it festering only makes it worse.

Hurt feelings are an infection that will poison things.  Friendships, Lover, work, even family.   Talk about it or let it go.   DONT CALL AND SAY “WHAT ARE YOU DOING?” If you think you see an anomaly.  ASK.  If your feelings are hurt say something.

Look people again, NO ONE GETS OUT ALIVE.  Some think you get reincarnated. Some know they have lived other lives.  Science says that the universe expands and contracts and you do this over and over.

Life is lets say 80 years.  The first 40 we try so hard to get ahead.  Then the last 40 we have regrets of I should have.

I met some one coming off the escalators at Macy’s.  She changed my life for bad and for GOOD.  But I had to take the chance to meet her.  To take a ride to PA to meet dear friends.   Do I have regrets? HELL YES.  I lost 20 years in a bad marriage.  We both were not good for each other.  thank who ever are son was not fucked up for life.  Here is the rub.

IF you did not make the choices you made, you would not be here today with that special some one.   let that sink in.  All the fights, bad dates.  The shit jobs, bad days and yes wrong choices have lead you to this place.

The skein of your life may have been woven along time ago.  but the choices you make are all part of that tapestry.

The reds from the blood spilled.  The deep blues the sad times.  The greens from all your envious actions.  The black all your anger.  But the absences of color is black. All the colors make white.  So you need all the colors in your tapestry.  Die with few regrets.  you will have some.  The person you should have asked out.  The job you should have taken.  The right turn when you went left.

No one gets out alive.  So make your life.  I’m playing poker and I’m good at it.  Lexi is starting to model.  Others as I said have worked 20 hours to make a life for her kids.  Every day is do or die.  Even a day spent healing is a victory.

So what are you going to do.  Vikings want to die in battle.  Some want to die in their sleep.  Some want to live so safe that nothing happens.  Riddle me this and riddle me that…..  Is a life UN-lived a life well lived or missed?

THE WINDOWS TO THE SOUL…

Her eyes are haunted they do not sparkle.  Life has been ruff for her.  she says ” I’m happier than I have ever been.”  The eyes are the windows to the soul.  that’s why poker players wear sunglasses.

Why should I care? Why should I wonder about it? I have seen the eyes sparkle.  Why should it bother me?  I guess you have never given a homeless person a meal.  helped an older person with getting any thing from a high shelf.  helped a child find mom or a policeman.

We are human and we are suppose to look out for each other.  She looks out for me as best she can.  Her heart is with an other.  She tries.  People are people.  IF you loved them and it was real. Then there will always be feelings there. UNLESS the end was horrid and was all your fault, then you wont have those feelings.

Some are in relationships that it is of convenience and little else.   Some are perfect Illusions to point to a pop hit.  Some are so intense they leave scars.  Will I ever find someone?  The world thinks I will.  I’m not looking, I have friends but like the captain of the Dutchman.  Its in a box on a shelf being watched over.  I can have it any time I want it.  I don’t want it at this point in my life.  I want to play poker and see things.

I know the person watching it has forgotten they have it.  Its covered in webs and dust.  Which is fine.  When its discovered years from now.  It will have the scars of a life partly lived.  The note in side will say “the plan did not work. It was flawed but its all we had so we ran with it.”  Some loves last eons.  Some they write stories over, some are horror movies.

When I go home and I awaken an I look around from this dream.  I will see new scars and a face looking back at me.  She will say welcome home.  The heart will start to beat again.  Atrophied muscles starting to work and pump blood again.  She will look at me and place a hand on my chest.  With a sad look she will know it was a bad dream with a love that did not last.  She will kiss my cheek and say there is work to do.  She will smile and say and “I have needs also.”

That awakening is years away.  There are tables to play.  hands to win.  A friend I miss with sad haunted eyes.  they will say I’m wrong and I’m seeing zebras in a horse stable.  But I know her eyes I saw love, hate, and sadness in them all caused by me. I lived in those eyes.  Now I live on a couch and play cards.

As I finish this post up.  a song makes me smile.  On one hand I hear Archer saying “DANGER ZONE. Lana”.  On the other I feel the feeling when I have ace high and I push with two kings showing and win.

Yes all this from seeing a friends sad eyes…

” TWENTY YEARS FROM NOW……”

Something funny happened recently.  It snapped when I watched a video. It was from the t.v. show the Blacklist. Red is trying to calm Resstler after Resstler was shot. Red paints a picture of what he  wants to do one more time before he dies.

I’m 49 years old.  I have zero work skills.  I have one thing going for me, my mind.  Its been tortured and abused.  Friends and foe alike have left there scars.  The saying keep your friends close and your enemies closer has a hidden message.  Sometimes are worst enemies are our best friends.  You know what to expect from them.

 I have been a horrid person in the past.  I have left mental scars on my friends.  Some have returned the favor .  I was never the arm candy some wanted.  I was never the obedient pet some wanted.  When I point out what they did, oh that’s has little importance to them.  For they only care about what they received not what they have done.

I get accused of twisting facts and redirecting issues.  Funny I get accused that when I redirect the attack back where it came from.  Yes I sometimes bludgeon people with there mistakes.  It was done unto me.  That is a poor excuse but its true.  I have been peoples dirty secret.  I have been the other man when there life was crappy I have even been the other man for the same person.  I will post this one with little fan fair.

I have learned many things from poker, the biggest one is. LET THE HAND GO!  Sounds OH so easy.  They even made a song out of it for a kids movie.  When your playing cards for money there is this think called “TILT”.  It is positive, and negative, both ways are bad.   What do I mean…..   Example you have 3 kings and 2 aces.  That’s called a full house.  A winner a LARGE percent of the time.  They have 4 aces, guess what, YOU LOSE.

Now this is where “TILT” happens.  You cant let it go.  You start beating your self up on how the beat sucked.  You then go on and lose 5 more hands because you have not let it go yet.  Positive “TILT”  you have the 4 aces to there full house.

When you have the hand you now feel bullet proof.  You can do no wrong.  You can do any thing.  Your start playing stupid its worse when it works for a couple hands.

People use my past against me.  They get mad when I use it against them.  Its ok for them to hold the fear of me snapping at someone.  Its ok if they leave me at home,  back burner me.  Use things I said or did against me but I cant return the favor.

I have changed over the past 18 months.  None more that the past 6 weeks.  I love a Vampire, A House Druid, and a few more.  But riddle me this.  Why is it ok for others to use fear of the past as a reason for actions now.  But its wrong if I do it?  Why is it wrong if I point out things but they can?

People ask me Why I’m not dating now.  Why after losing 80 pounds and fixing my life why don’t I date.  Because if I date I have to answer to some one.  I have to think of others.  Be the house-boyfriend, the House Dragon,

i cant be me.

I’m crude when people are crude to me.  I don’t throw the first punch.  I need to be called the Butler first.  I need some one to disrespect the person I’m with. They miss that fact.  Its me its always me.  It was also me that placed 10th in the poker tournament.  It was me that One 5 Omaha tournaments.

Two of the most important people in my life I have been horrid to.  They have returned it in spades.  In both cases they fired the first shot.  I shot back much harder and I’m the bad guy.

The list is long and in truth not worth thinking about.  The hand is over.  I wont go on tilt because they are.  A very beautiful woman asked me to forgive my self for the bad that happened with us.  She has and she has forgiven me.  I’m a poker degenerate.  I’m ok with that.  I’m also broken and covered in scars.  ” Chicks dig scars.”  My brother has a veil that people miss read.  They listen to his off the cuff words and not his actions.  Its a misdirection that few will see. I started to call him out on it in privet.

I have changed.  Raymond does not come out often.  I know who I am.  I think it scares people because I did it.  I changed when some never thought I could.  People had it in their head that It could not happen. They found someone new as I was doing it.   I take pride that I help find happiness, even if its not with me.  It could have screwed me up worse if I would have given up because of what happened.

At some point in your life you have to understand this.  You can not control how people react to you or treat you.  YOU can only control how you react and treat them.

I will always love the important women in my life.  I just wish they could see that its not all on me.  Its not all on them.  People have asked me to let it go.  I am.  I’m seeing things differently now.  I’m not letting people use passive aggression toward me.  I never noticed it before.  Now I take each conversation as an independent chat.

I’m a poker player that’s my job.  I need a few things, tools I need for my job.  Like when your getting your degree in college.  So I will do odd jobs to get a bank roll. But make no mistake.  My job is a poker player.  Its others that never wanted me to be one.  It’s scary.  Like being shot at. Like jumping from planes.  Like opening the door to go out side.

Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things you didn’t do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bowlines. Sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover.

 Author some say Mark Twain. some say no… 

49 + 20 = 69 we will see who’s married, who has bracelets, and who is happy.

” Learn’d that all on your own did ya?”

Ok so yesterday was not a great day.  Had doubts about my poker game.  Was ready to throw it all in the trash, get a job and die from boredom.   My brother ( roommate )  said well then do it.   Stepping back I thought he was all ways my biggest supporter, what mind trick was he playing here, ” these are not the droids we are looking for..”  style.  Then we start the real conversation.  He asks What 2+2=?  and I’m like well in most mathematical states its 4 but its all in the equation and what form of math and how you write it out.  After noticing the stare of ” are you done”.  I stopped and said Ok what am I missing.  The whole question he said.  At this point I’m lost.  He says you have 2 major issues and you need to fix them and fix them fast because life is right out there.

Your issues are mainly 2 things:

1: you hate to lose.  You don’t know how to lose gracefully, and then learn from it.  In my head I say well I lost my girlfriend, my dog, my home. I lost jobs, a wife, ECT.  Yes but I never learned to lose, then understand, and then move on.  I lose, dwell and finally one day I look up. life has changed and I have no idea how I got here.

2: And worst of all you have answers before you know the Equation.  You don’t try to do the work you just jump to an answer that fits and run with it.

The last one even as I sit here and write this out I see it more and more.  There is a process and in some cases people use past experiences to foretell the answer.  This is wrong.  As I type this out my mind is now flooding with things and how it has effected every relationship I have ever had.

I asked my former Girlfriend one night as she is laying hands on my knee to help reduce the pain.  Would you rather be loved or wanted?  I asked because earlier that day I saw and article about how women want to be wanted more than loved.

Her answer and the answers of most of my women friends shocked me.  Yes I’m a male so keep your sexist jokes to your self. This is not the time for that.  Most said wanted.  yes they wanted to be wanted more than loved.

I woke early to get some sun on my face.  The days are getting shorter, so I thought I should try to get some in.  the words of last night ringing in my head how I had 2 major issues and so I revisited this question I just posed a few lines back.  I found this article its not all of it but its a chunk and the author’s book was also added for your own reading.

• http://ecosalon.com/what-do-women-really-want-in-being-wanted-sexual-healing/

Dr. Eisendrath says: “Wanting to be wanted is about finding our power in an image rather than a in our own actions.” It’s inextricably linked to male gaze: we do not see ourselves, or other women, as we are — we see ourselves through lens of men’s desires and expectations.

Wanting to be wanted isn’t a defining characteristic of womanhood as Lacan, a famous and infamously sexist psychotherapist posited  – it’s just what happens to women in a world where we have never been allowed to be powerful. We are not expected to want pleasure — we are expected to be pleasing. That’s how we get our likes, that’s how we’re “favorited” when we’re offline. Then we go like hungry ghosts to Facebook to collect more, especially if we’re not getting enough from the people who are supposed to love us.

We sacrifice so much in order to be liked — to be good girlfriends, good wives, good mothers and friends. We do this so often it becomes normative, even though it’s a pathology. Then we are angry, resentful, out of touch with our bodies, dead inside. Our libido can wither away after years of not feeding it what it truly desires.

• Reading books like Ms. Young-Eisendrath’s and the seminal “What Do Women Want: Adventures in the Science of Female Desire” by Daniel Bergner can offer a fresh start and intellectual immersion in your relationship to your desire.

So how does this work with my 2 issues.  It in a way answers both.  I, like most men thought woman wanted to be love and that was enough.  NOOOOOOOPPPPEEE ( Lana for Archer Reference ).  So instead of doing the equation out I just inserted the answer.  Time after time after time.  You get the point.  So here we are. Life is right out there inches away.  The 6 inches in front of your face that’s life.  So at this point I have really only 2 choices

1: do nothing and have the results be the same. What’s the Definition of insanity, ” ‘Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.’ – Albert Einstein”

2: Change. Take each hand, relationship, person, situation, as an independent equation.  Factor in the variables and come to the conclusion doing the work not inserting the answer.

This I can start today and will I fall into old habits? sometimes but to try and to fail is to live.  We fall to learn to get back up. Can I make a living playing poker? We will soon see.  In my head I have to think yes.  For the man that says he can and the man that says he cant are both most times right.  Be your own self-fulfilling prophecy.  I use to have an issues with pocket Queen’s.  Always lost.  Talked to my poker coach, also friends looking for answers.  After being told 30 to 50 times its psychosomatic.  One day I just said ya your right.  “Learned it all on your own did ya?” Some times you can say something 100 times till some one hears it.

What did I learn.  Live in an equation.  It have variables, and factors.  Inserting an answer does not work.  Its the journey not the destination that matters. The answers are always right when you make them its later that all the information is available.   Do the work don’t insert answer.