Sometimes the pain gets to a point that you really don’t care who will be hurt or up set. Then the why did they not say anything. They tried but you where busy. They want to but they had to run.
They tell you when they text a lot or leave voice mail.
See they are reaching out because they texted or left a voice mail or text their using your love for them to get them through one more hour. They want to talk at you to prove the voices wrong.
So when you see a lot of text or voicemail their fighting the voices and it’s a bloody fight. You hear on the voice mail hey hope your having a great evening means I’m under attack. If they say they love you 37x’s the fight is getting worse…… IF this happens and its not your psychotic ex.
The first question should be “are you ok” not “what the fuck!”
How Do You Live in the Moment in the Silence?
Ashes to ashes and dust to dust the reaper calls on all of us, return the smile. Take his hand. you’re on your way home and a friend has your hand.
A friend told me that I need to forgive my self for my past. I was like but I was the one that was abused. I was the one that got hurt. I was….. And there it was “I”. Not me. You will say well the use of “I” is proper when talking about ones self. Yes it is but “I” is also selfish it tunnels the scope of what the issue is. I did not say, ” I cant love you any more I love some one else”. I Did not say ” I treat you badly because I know you will keep coming back.”. I was not that one that would wait till I was off with my grand father, so I would not have to deal with the crying. I’m the one stuck with the pain and memories. I’m the one left with all the memories. Memories that a war movie could not put on film because it would get an X rating.
An ego and a superego walk into a bar.
The bartender says “I’ll have to see some id
My Brother never uses the word/letter I. Its the strangest thing. I think I’m finally understanding. There is no I there is only the event. I love my former girlfriend. No not in the lets get naked in the shower love. Love of two people that have been through hell and all we had was each other then. She said to me ” I was watching you die slowly on my couch. I love you to much to watch that. You need to go and get your life. You gave me mine back. Now it’s time to return the favor,”. We still talk I released her from all but one promise we made to each other. When I die she has to dress as the grim reaper and stand at my casket. Her reply is ” I’m going to be the Shortest Reaper ever.” my reply is ” I had a Short life”.
We all try to fix the past we all try to change what happen. I’m sorry may make the person saying it feel better but that is about it. We all have things we have done that we want to change. You can’t. I have said this many times. Time is human made it effects nothing. Crops don’t grow by humans timelines. Crops grow when its time you can force them but a green house tomato and a garden tomato taste different. I cant take back the words I have said to people. I cant change what shitty things I have done in my life. I can take each moment as it comes and as for the past. That moment is gone never to happen again. two hugs tomorrow does not make up for the one missed today. A missed date is an event that now MAY never happen because you missed the moment.
I’m scared to live. I’ve listened to all the people say. You are nothing and will be nothing you don’t have anything. But that’s wrong I’ve got this moment.
Many people follow this blog. I have said most of these things in others blogs. You see life is a puzzle, not every time you hear or read something does it fit the puzzle AT THAT MOMENT. One day, in one single moment it will fit and it will slide into place.
OH and the joke in the middle is not really a joke its what we all deal with every day. The ego and the superego make up you ID.
it make up who you are and if you don’t like who you are one of them or both need to change and that will change you ID. who-you- are.
WE ARE BORN AND WE DIE IN THE MIDDLE IS CALLED LIFE…..
Ashes to ashes, Dust to dust the pain we feel follows all of us. Some pain moves on, Some pain Stay put. Some people get help, As some others get hurt. Some live long, some live short. All and all we all just hurt. some find their loves. others their mates. Some live happy, some tempt fate. At the end of the day, was it all for not? The end is the end by your hand’s or fates. So did we live to the end with anger, with hate. Or with hope and with love. There are no winners. There is no escape, You find out now you wish to escape. Hide if you will. In a house or a cave. The reaper will come and that is your fate. Death will smiles, Return it you should, Return it with glee for he smile for thee. He’s a friend in the end. To the rich or the poor. The sick, the infirmed. The saddest of all is that you wish you knew when. For if you did. Then the kisses would be deeper. the Hugs would be longer. The love would be deeper and the song would be longer. But alas we don’t, In the end all we cry. In the end we will lament. That the only friend left is the friend we want least. He’s still a friend as your time draws near. Cry loud, cry hard for you’re to blame, not death at all. He is doing his job. But you had not. your job was to live, and you had not. You see we all have one job. that’s all we got. Live life to the fullest but most do not. Remember the and remember this well. We know death must call. Ready or not, he will come to call, he will but point. so ask your self this. Did you do your job right. Did you live to the fullest did you live it right????
NO ONE CAN MAKE YOU HAPPY UNTIL YOU DO THIS….
Hurry up before you go and get old
Hurry up before your blood runs cold
None of us were ever meant to stay
We’re all gonna find out one dayYou see life’s too short to run it like a race
So it’s never gonna matter if you win first place
‘Cause we’re all the same
Shinedown- Special
When you live your life for years with horrors form the past you start to grow cold. When you join the military you are trained to end peoples lives. You start to see targets not people. You lose the humanity ( some do I’m one of them). You start longing for the grave. The silence, the end of the pain. The release of memories because you make life a special kind of hell for you and people you touch. Cops, Snipers, specially trained operators, and the ass in the grass Grunts. All are damaged to a point. They look at life differently because some start to have a hard time connecting to the living because they see so much bad. The horrors of the underside of life. It changes all of them. Some never show it. But its there the shine of there eyes are dulled and they may seam happy but if you look closely at their eyes they’re haunted. The first time your in a fire fight you just react no time to be scared just fire back and HOLD your ground till you can’t. Even then some wont leave they will stay so others can get out of the area. If your one that gets out you take a head count and find out your one or two short. You die a little inside. You where just laughing with them 15 mins ago. Eating chow with them. Hearing their memories of that special some one they where retelling for the 30th time. Them missing moms biscuits. You remember their dreams for post combat. How they have plan and dreams and families. After awhile some remember that the people they terminated also had families. And that YOU took them from their families. You played god you ended their time here. You had them throw off there mortal coils. You now have that albatross around your neck. You start to worry if your to damaged to be good for any one. If they can take the nights you cant sleep. The nights you ghost the house. The times you get lost with a smell, a sound, a memory triggered by something unassuming. All this goes through your head. You worry that if you love them can they love you. With all the repressed memories just waiting to show back up at the wrong times. So you start to push them away you subconsciously or maybe consciously push them away. You want them to stay but you just think your just to damaged. I’m there now. Do I let people in or keep them out. I know the truth I should just let them decide. Ya that is one thing I need to learn. A friend of mine gave me a piece of advice. I asked them a question and they replied. See that’s called my shit and you don’t need to be in my shit. I wont get in to yours, you stay out of mine. I’m learning that.
Sometimes it’s not something that you can control, or put your finger on why you do it. Sometimes it just is what it is. In poker your always told to trust your gut. Its that scratch in the back of your head, a feeling that something is wrong. To be able to let someone in to your life. You need to trust your gut. To trust and allow your self the time to heal you. No one can make someone else happy. You need to allow your self the time to fix and love your self. If not then no one or nothing will make you truly happy. Being happy with one’s self is the only way to be free enough to be happy with some one else.
Knocked down 7 times get up 8 times
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LIFE TO BE CONTINUED
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Ever have a Feeling you just can’t let go……
Finger prints we leave
“Taking You Own Life. Interesting Expression — Taking It From Who? Once It’s Over, It’s Not You Who’ll Miss It. Your Own Death Is Something That Happens To Everybody Else. Your Life Is Not Your Own. Keep Your Hands Off It.”
Why we want what we can’t have

- “Oh he’ll be different with me”.
- “She would be different you will see”.
- “Others they don’t see what I see”.
- any of this ringing a Fucking bell for you???
- ” I have never loved any one like I love them before.”
- Pssst you said that to the last one
- also you can’t love different people the same way, because their DIFFERENT PEOPLE
- ” They have changed from when we first met.”
- Ya think, they’re older, their diction has changed that’s is about all.
- The rain fell, the torrents raged, and the winds blew and beat against that house; yet it did not fall, because its foundation was on the rock. Matthew 7:26.
- But everyone who hears these words of Mine and does not act on them is like a foolish man who built his house on sand. Matthew 16:18
What you take with you…..

Dear John……..
- one your Home but your different.
- your partner now has you back and they’re use to being alone.
- If you have kids you need to remember they’re kids
- Then there is the Demons in your head
- the Ghost of friends still on patrol