That took me by surprise

Sometimes the pain gets to a point that you really don’t care who will be hurt or up set.  Then the why did they not say anything.  They tried but you where busy. They want to but they had to run.
They tell you when they text a lot or leave voice mail.
See they are reaching out because they texted or left a voice mail or text their using your love for them to get them through one more hour.  They want to talk at you to prove the voices wrong.
So when you see a lot of text or voicemail their fighting the voices and it’s a bloody fight. You hear on the voice mail hey hope your having a great evening means I’m under attack. If they say they love you 37x’s the fight is getting worse…… IF this happens and its not your  psychotic ex.
The first question should be “are you ok” not “what the fuck!”

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How Do You Live in the Moment in the Silence?

Ashes to ashes and dust to dust the reaper calls on all of us, return the smile. Take his hand. you’re on your way home and a friend has your hand.

A friend told me that I need to forgive my self for my past. I was like but I was the one that was abused. I was the one that got hurt. I was….. And there it was “I”. Not me. You will say well the use of “I” is proper when talking about ones self. Yes it is but “I” is also selfish it tunnels the scope of what the issue is. I did not say, ” I cant love you any more I love some one else”. I Did not say ” I treat you badly because I know you will keep coming back.”. I was not that one that would wait till I was off with my grand father, so I would not have to deal with the crying. I’m the one stuck with the pain and memories. I’m the one left with all the memories. Memories that a war movie could not put on film because it would get an X rating.

An ego and a superego walk into a bar.

The bartender says “I’ll have to see some id

My Brother never uses the word/letter I. Its the strangest thing. I think I’m finally understanding. There is no I there is only the event. I love my former girlfriend. No not in the lets get naked in the shower love. Love of two people that have been through hell and all we had was each other then. She said to me ” I was watching you die slowly on my couch. I love you to much to watch that. You need to go and get your life. You gave me mine back. Now it’s time to return the favor,”. We still talk I released her from all but one promise we made to each other. When I die she has to dress as the grim reaper and stand at my casket. Her reply is ” I’m going to be the Shortest Reaper ever.” my reply is ” I had a Short life”.

We all try to fix the past we all try to change what happen. I’m sorry may make the person saying it feel better but that is about it. We all have things we have done that we want to change. You can’t. I have said this many times. Time is human made it effects nothing. Crops don’t grow by humans timelines. Crops grow when its time you can force them but a green house tomato and a garden tomato taste different. I cant take back the words I have said to people. I cant change what shitty things I have done in my life. I can take each moment as it comes and as for the past. That moment is gone never to happen again. two hugs tomorrow does not make up for the one missed today. A missed date is an event that now MAY never happen because you missed the moment.

I’m scared to live. I’ve listened to all the people say. You are nothing and will be nothing you don’t have anything. But that’s wrong I’ve got this moment.

Many people follow this blog. I have said most of these things in others blogs. You see life is a puzzle, not every time you hear or read something does it fit the puzzle AT THAT MOMENT. One day, in one single moment it will fit and it will slide into place.

OH and the joke in the middle is not really a joke its what we all deal with every day. The ego and the superego make up you ID.

it make up who you are and if you don’t like who you are one of them or both need to change and that will change you ID. who-you- are.

WE ARE BORN AND WE DIE IN THE MIDDLE IS CALLED LIFE…..

Ashes to ashes, Dust to dust the pain we feel follows all of us. Some pain moves on, Some pain Stay put. Some people get help, As some others get hurt. Some live long, some live short. All and all we all just hurt. some find their loves. others their mates. Some live happy, some tempt fate. At the end of the day, was it all for not? The end is the end by your hand’s or fates. So did we live to the end with anger, with hate. Or with hope and with love. There are no winners. There is no escape, You find out now you wish to escape. Hide if you will. In a house or a cave. The reaper will come and that is your fate. Death will smiles, Return it you should, Return it with glee for he smile for thee. He’s a friend in the end. To the rich or the poor. The sick, the infirmed. The saddest of all is that you wish you knew when. For if you did. Then the kisses would be deeper. the Hugs would be longer. The love would be deeper and the song would be longer. But alas we don’t, In the end all we cry. In the end we will lament. That the only friend left is the friend we want least. He’s still a friend as your time draws near. Cry loud, cry hard for you’re to blame, not death at all. He is doing his job. But you had not. your job was to live, and you had not. You see we all have one job. that’s all we got. Live life to the fullest but most do not. Remember the and remember this well. We know death must call. Ready or not, he will come to call, he will but point. so ask your self this. Did you do your job right. Did you live to the fullest did you live it right????

NO ONE CAN MAKE YOU HAPPY UNTIL YOU DO THIS….

Hurry up before you go and get old
Hurry up before your blood runs cold
None of us were ever meant to stay
We’re all gonna find out one day

You see life’s too short to run it like a race
So it’s never gonna matter if you win first place
‘Cause we’re all the same

 Shinedown- Special

When you live your life for years with horrors form the past you start to grow cold.  When you join the military you are trained to end peoples lives.  You start to see targets not people.  You lose the humanity ( some do I’m one of them).  You start longing for the grave.  The silence, the end of the pain.  The release of memories because you make life a special kind of hell for you and people you touch.  Cops, Snipers, specially trained operators, and the ass in the grass Grunts.  All are damaged to a point.  They look at life differently because some start to have a hard time connecting to the living because they see so much bad.  The horrors of the underside of life.  It changes all of them.  Some never show it.  But its there the shine of there eyes are dulled and they may seam happy but if you look closely at their eyes they’re haunted.   The first time your in a fire fight you just react no time to be scared just fire back and HOLD your ground till you can’t.  Even then some wont leave they will stay so others can get out of the area.  If your one that gets out you take a head count and find out your one or two short.  You die a little inside.  You where just laughing with them 15 mins ago.  Eating chow with them.  Hearing their memories of that special some one they where retelling for the 30th time.  Them missing moms biscuits.   You remember their dreams for post combat.  How they have plan and dreams and families.  After awhile some remember that the people they terminated also had families.  And that YOU took them from their families.  You played god you ended their time here.  You had them throw off there mortal coils.  You now have that albatross around your neck.  You start to worry if your to damaged to be good for any one.  If they can take the nights you cant sleep.  The nights you ghost the house.  The times you get lost with a smell, a sound, a memory triggered by something unassuming.  All this goes through your head.   You worry that if you love them can they love you.  With all the repressed memories just waiting to show back up at the wrong times.  So you start to push them away you subconsciously or maybe consciously push them away.  You want them to stay but you just think your just to damaged.   I’m there now.  Do I let people in or keep them out.  I know the truth I should just let them decide.  Ya that is one thing I need to learn.  A friend of mine gave me a piece of advice. I asked them a question and they replied.  See that’s called my shit and you don’t need to be in my shit.  I wont get in to yours, you stay out of mine.  I’m learning  that.

Sometimes it’s not something that you can control, or put your finger on why you do it.  Sometimes it just is what it is.  In poker your always told to trust your gut.  Its that scratch in the back of your head, a feeling that something is wrong.  To be able to let someone in to your life.  You  need to trust your gut. To trust and allow your self the time to heal you.  No one can make someone else happy.  You need to allow your self the time to fix and love your self. If not then no one or nothing will make you truly happy.  Being happy with one’s self is the only way to be free enough to be happy with some one else.

Knocked down 7 times get up 8 times

So the last week I had a medication change and it kicked my ass in more ways than one. See Vicodin was given to me for my pain. I have joint pain, sciatica, and migraines. so on any day 1 to all 3 can be present. The issue was the Vicodin made me mean and verbally abusive, caused me to have emotional out burst. Also would not let me sleep for days and another side effect that we wont go into. Lets just say I had no need for the little blue pill. So after asking my doctor several times to change my medications I had to basically screamed into the phone. CHANGE MY FUCKING MEDICATION. After that lovely chat he said OK steroids and Dilaudid, yes you read that right. So I was a little nervous about this new treatment. But I said ok and gave it a chance. IT BEAT MY ASS SO HARD I WAS LIKE WHAT THE FUCK. As the effects of 25 years on the Vicodin worked its way out and my head was finally clear it all came washing back. All the abusive I put my family through. The shit my son lived through. My former wife and my former girlfriend lived with. Sometimes I’m glad she found the strength to move on and be happy. I did push her away and she kept coming back till she didn’t. She is a very powerful woman. When I lived with other friends. there son Sammy he was 7 was there I was told that HE COULD NOT SEE THIS SIDE OF ME. So I keep most of it from him. I guess people see more in me than I do because when Mom and Dad went away on an adult vacation they asked me to watch him so I did.

As the title says knocked down 7 times get up 8 time. That does not mean you cant take a day or 3 to recover from the ass kicking you just got. It does mean that you have to get up in a reasonable amount of time. I called people said my apologies and started on a new path. I see what every one was telling me but my mind was closed till I finally said “When”. I HAVE HAD ENOUGH. The past week I have been in my apt ( the Dragon Cave ) and was ready to come out when a box arrived. It was from the former with all my small items I left there 3 years ago. it was time. Back on the floor and I crawled to my cave after life once more smacked me in the mouth. Yesterday I slept for 24 of 30 hours I was up only two times for three hours at a time. Today I got up and said ya I’m fucking done, time to stand the fuck up. So after I picked up my refill and walked the dog I planted the things that I have put off for over a week. Along with 2 trees its funny that there are two, almost like one for me and one for my brother as we both find are way home. I know there is someplace other than this. When I get there a very pale woman with a mean streak that would make most men say ya fuck that. Will be waiting to beat my ass. Not in a fun sexy way a way that I will drag my self in the house and need time to heal. No this is not abuse this is the way things are when your in a world that its harsh and beautiful all at once. There is no stern talking to there is only the sting of ritual combat. Its home and where I miss every day. My brother hopes he is there to watch. I know I was stupid in this life wasted gifts I was given in a hurry to get home. Lesson one knocked down 7 get up 8. Lesson 2 its not the destination its the Journey because a destination is only part of the whole journey. Lesson 3 Be kind and helpful don’t be used and taken advantage of. Lesson 4 She will wait because she knows I may wonder but I will always return to the darkly beautiful creature she is.

• • • LIFE TO BE CONTINUED

Ever have a Feeling you just can’t let go……

I need a new part with new lines

Anything if it’s good for your head

You can donate your heart to science

But it won’t bring you back from the dead

I got a feeling that I can’t let go

………

Can’t Let Go – by – Caught A Ghost

Why is Good Bye so hard to say. Most people say it every day. Some of us see it as a permanent end to something. Its said at graves. Its said at hospital beds. It’s even said sometimes when you know its a one way trip in a helo.

BRUTUS

to return to Rome in chains. My mind is too great for that. But today, the work that March 15th began must end, and I don’t know if we’ll meet again. Therefore, accept my everlasting farewell. Forever and forever, farewell, Cassius! If we meet again, then we’ll smile. If not, then this parting was well done.

CASSIUS

Forever and forever, farewell, Brutus! If we meet again, then we’ll smile indeed. If not, it’s true, this parting was well done.

BRUTUS

Well, lead on. Oh, I wish I could know what will happen today before it happens! But it’s enough to know that the day will end, and then the end will be known. Come! Let’s go!

that’s the modern version But it means the same. Good Bye, we will not cross again. BUT even if they did they would not be the same. See some times when you say Good Bye, it’s some times to a time period in your life.

I called my former girlfriend and said goodbye. We talked for a few minutes. we said we loved each other and yes it was time for goodbye. She once made me a vow she kept. It hurt her and in truth was hurting me but she kept it. She promised even though we where not dating she would not leave me we could talk. She kept that vow even to both of our detriments. She said you (I) would have to be the one to leave. So I said Good Bye. You can’t live in the now tied to the past. Demons find a way to use this against you.

Will we talk again who knows. IF we do it will not be as former lovers it will be as friends so in a way this Good Bye was to a time in my life. She is a great person. We are meant for different lives. It was never going to be for a long time but it was a good time. As the fog of anger lifts and the winds of time blow off the clouds of hate. It shows the day we changed clothes in a parking lot after getting soaked. Her putting her foot in fresh paint. The day we got our fur baby. All the concerts. How I would dedicate Blink-182 rock show to her to see that irritated smile. Those are good memories I had forgotten until I said Good Bye. The day will end and then the end be known. So now we start to heal and to move forward. It’s ok to look back but you can never GO back.

She is happy and I now have the same chance. As I got off of a Dental table after a 2 hour session. After all my teeth had been drilled, with the infections and rot removed. I felt like it was the first day in this body. because in a way it was. I was new I was whole I did not have this poison in and around me anymore. I see life differently I see as Louis Armstrong say a wonderful world. Even on a rainy day like today. Rain washes its cleans and cleanses. So , lead on. …., I wish I could know what will happen today before it happens! But it’s enough to know that the day will end, and then the end will be known. Come! Let’s go!

Finger prints we leave

 

“Taking You Own Life. Interesting Expression — Taking It From Who? Once It’s Over, It’s Not You Who’ll Miss It. Your Own Death Is Something That Happens To Everybody Else. Your Life Is Not Your Own. Keep Your Hands Off It.”

Why we want what we can’t have

We always think that we want the pretty girl, that handsome guy. We want the white picket fence, the house, the 2 to 3 Kids ( In today’s society fur babies are the same as human babies). But all we really want is what’s supposed to go into that house.

All we really want is to be loved. When we don’t find it, we always chase the wrong people. We chase the ones that will always bring us pain. Will always bring us misery, we know it but we just won’t accept it.

• “Oh he’ll be different with me”.
• “She would be different you will see”.
• “Others they don’t see what I see”.
• any of this ringing a Fucking bell for you???

This is followed by:

• ” I have never loved any one like I love them before.”
•   Pssst  you said that to the last one
• also you can’t love different people the same way,  because their DIFFERENT PEOPLE
• ” They have changed from when we first met.”
•   Ya think, they’re older, their diction has changed that’s is about all.

The problem is that what you see, most times is what you get.  There’s very few people that are different from what they expose to the world. If they are cold, calculating, and sometimes very harsh to deal with. If this also continues after you start to date.  Then surprise, surprise they’re exactly what they appear to be. They’re  cold, calculating, and harsh.

life just has this way of beating the ever living hell out of people. Kindness, well that’s the first thing that’s gone from them. Happiness is next. Finally people become calculating.  Pictures and texts become ammunition.

Because life is unrelenting, it will just keep beating you, and beating you and beating you. It won’t let you up to breath, because it doesn’t have to. Life is harsh, it’s unrelenting. The pressure that life puts on every generation is always the same, it just looks different.

I had the love of 2 women that helped me lower my guard.  I allowed them to come in.  They each cut me deep and made me sorry I let them in.  We in one case talked it over.  With this one we found a spot of bedrock in a swampy area know as life to re-build our friendship on.

• The rain fell, the torrents raged, and the winds blew and beat against that house; yet it did not fall, because its foundation was on the rock. Matthew 7:26.

The other well we just never talked about it.  This became the crack that would spell the eventual end to us as a couple.

• But everyone who hears these words of Mine and does not act on them is like a foolish man who built his house on sand. Matthew 16:18

Her and I have made peace. We have turned the sand to glass and have made a transparent house for our friendship.  We have just learned not to throw stones at each other.  We know each others secrets.  Some should never see the light of day.

Yet People still chase the wrong person, for what ever reason.  Truth be told we want it to fail.  Because we have become so jaded.  We sit and wait for the other shoe to drop.  We know if we chase the wrong person there is the  possibility that we will never fully let our guard down.

I’m guilty of this.  So now I just have friends with intimate options.  No dating, to make up lines like “we think a like” no making a dysfunctional relationship look like the greatest love story of all times.

I have been the bad guy so many times.  The guy that makes you look in the mirror and say ” This is your relationship looks pretty Huh?” ” OK is not a standard to live by its a starting point!” ” You wear the praise people heap upon you like a coat, like the red badge of courage.  ‘Oh look she is giving her life to him.  Sticking by him even when he abuse her. It’s the Illness she is an Angel for doing that’.” I have heard friend say, ” I know I will end up alone, with my dogs, a bitter person.”

WOW that’s a life goal to work for.  When you die you don’t get credit for time served.  Just because you hung in there with an asshole that gave you a case of Stockholm Syndrome.  When your time is up its up.  No free Frosty and 6 more months.

I’m done with people that bring nothing to my life.  If you start your travel plans with ” I want ….”  and you have a partner you need to re-look at your self.  If all you can do is take up my time and not help me see the world differently.  If you cant help me with my Poker or my Writing, its been real.  I’m not shallow I’m just 50 years old and tired of people wasting my life.

You control your life, you control how you allow people to interact with you.  You allow or deny people the ability to make you out to be the bad person when your not.  That’s called transference ( Transference describes a situation where the feelings, desires, and expectations of one person are redirected and applied to another person.) ( Google is your Friend).

I have no time for these people. Ok I’m kinda guilty here.  There is one person that I let stay in my life even when they start their vacation plans with “I Want”.

I want to thank all the women that made me feel like I was an atm ( high school), I was trash to be dropped off (Mother/and 2 others).  That made me feel like I was a replacement part.   Place holder till something better came along.

I gave my self permission to have a life.  I gave my self permission to remove any one from my life that does not add value.  I gave my self permission to be happy.  NO ONE CAN MAKE SOME ONE ELSE HAPPY.  A person has to want to be happy.

There is a Woman in my life that I break my own rules for but that’s the great part of having a code to live buy.  You allow who comes in and who does not.  I will always love her and watch out for her.  We are just meant to live different lives.  But if my phone rings a 3am and she needs and its with in my means she will have it.  The same way If I’m hearing the voices she will put her job on hold and walk me off the ledge .

If it starts it has to end.  Sadness and depression are the same way.  The only difference is sometimes we need to get help letting go of sadness.   Depression also sometimes needs medication.  BUT THERE IS HELP ASK FOR IT.

What you take with you…..

Ashes to ashes and dust to dust. The crap you surround your self with cant come. Its stuff that’s all it is. It may be nice to look at, but when you die its just junk. The coins, the china, the pictures. They put you in a little box. Most times cover you up with dirt and rocks. Maybe a bar B Q. then you are ashes that can be thrown to a strong wind. That is of course is if you’re in a state that will let your biodegradable ash be tossed to the winds.

The crap we have every piece of it is a weapon. My best friend after giving me a tablet for Christmas. She threaten to return it because she was mad. When me and my last girl friend ended I could not take the gym I asked for because I did not show enough gratitude.

You work hard for the house the yard the 2 maybe 3 dogs and for what. When your gone your not taking it with you. Death does not pull up to your door with a truck and say ” pick out 10 items “. nope you drop and the 22 grams leaves your body and your dead. Your body now a home for flies and worms. The essence that what was you is gone. The meat that is laying on the floor is what was. Now that pile of muscle bone and chemicals that will break it down is set free.

So your body is there surrounded buy all the things that YOU had to have to make you happy. OR you get divorced or break up or just end. Now each item is a weapon to use to inflict maximum pain. The hurt, the that’s mine. You can have the pictures, the minutia, the petty bullshit. All that we will do is just toss aside or place on some forgotten shelf because be cant look at it because its THEIRS. When we die the kids go to the survivor. when we end the kids are just MORE WEAPONS. Its a fucking arms race.

You want it take it. Hope you enjoy all the memories that goes with it. The art I want I will take with me its on my body. The only worldly things that I cant are my furries. Heidi, Airi, Lucy ( both with their mom). BUT as for the rest of this bullshit. A ring, a neckless, the picture at a birthday party or at a fancy dinner. this will not being taken when the 22 grams that is you leaves……

People will think that this is a woh woh is me but in truth. I’m free. A car gets me places ok and when I die it will get some one else from place to place. But as for me.

Enjoy those windows that cost you so much. Enjoy the fence you paid 2x as much for in interest. Enjoy all the trappings that “Stuff holds”

King Osric: There comes a time, thief, when the jewels cease to sparkle, when the gold loses its luster, when the throne room becomes a prison, and all that is left is a father’s love for his child.

Conan, Movie

That’s all stuff is a prison a mountain of crap that you think more of, then what’s out side your front door. Life is the living things around you. Not the stuff you pick up on vacation. Pictures fade. People are forgotten. When the end comes your stuff stays and you GO.

Dear John……..

In the time of the inter web you can reach out and touch someone at any time.  This is good and bad.  When me and my former ended she did it face to face, in a car a foot away from me.  I was in the corp in the 80’s.  The time of phones and letters.  If they left you it would take time to get the letter.  Now its a text on the phone, or email or skype as your on the other side of the world.  I’m glad I was in then and not now.  It takes a strong person to deal with that life.  Both at home and in country.

If your lucky to make it home after your tour or TOURS.  You have many things to deal with.

• one your Home but your different.
• your partner now has you back and they’re use to being alone.
• If you have kids you need to remember they’re kids
• Then there is the Demons in your head
• the Ghost of friends still on patrol

The list is endless.  I could not live with having access to family and then put them out of my head to go get shot at.  It was easier in a letter because you would not know till later.

It takes courage to break up with someone face to face.  Some have it.  To look into the eyes of a former love and say ” I love someone else ” or ” I cant live like this “.  The words are always different but the out come is the same. “Good Bye”.  I have a hard time saying those 2 words.  Because its the end.  If I say ” good bye ”  its at a funeral or we wont meet again because I’m done have a good life.  This is 90% of the time it sometimes slips out.  Could be subconscious because I should walk away.  That is for a different blog.

On Facebook I see pictures of peoples friends that could not deal with the memories and the Demons in their head  won.  Those Demons had me and they almost won a week ago.  I did not care if I woke up and if you read my blog you know the story.  What scared me was not being scared.  22 a day we lose to the Demons that cant be seen.  They touch your heart, your sole, your whole life.

What we forget when we get out is the one basic concept that kept us alive in country.  You depend on your team, your unit.  But for some strange reason when we get out we forget that one simple standard.  You may not like the guy next to you but that’s not part of the job.  The job is you fill their body bags not you own.  We get home and the team mentality is gone.  Issue is you need it more now than ever.   You can’t fight the Demons alone.  Because you can never win a fight with your self.

Col. Cal Rhodes: You know, for years, I couldn’t sleep after Korea. My nightmares all had to do with the Chosin Reservoir. The ground there was so frozen, we couldn’t bury our dead. We had to pile ’em on trucks and lash them up against the tanks. For years I’d wake up with those dead, frozen faces staring at me.

Wilkes: Did it ever go away?

Col. Cal Rhodes: No… I finally made friends with them, though.

Movie Uncommon valor

You need to own that your not the same person that left for Boot.  Your not the same after any incursion you lose a little more to the Demons till you have become something different.  The old you is gone and as the song says Yesterdays gone.

For years I have taken pain meds for Migraines.  As I get older my body is breaking down faster.  Joint pain, sciatica, Migraines, and the “HURT” that comes with the Demons.

Johnson: Red wine and uppers… that’s why we call him Sailor. He used to take a lot of red wine and uppers, and just sail away.

Charts: How come he wears that goddamned grenade around his neck?

Blaster: Sailor always said, that if life got too shitty, he’d just pull the pin and see what’s next.

Uncommon Valor

I started counseling.  A former Marine reminded me you fight with a team not alone.  So here we are in a fight with an enemy I can not see.  But touches every part of my life.  I lost 3 relationships because I tried to fight alone.  One left me for a cousin.  The 2nd asked for a divorce.  The 3rd well that’s where this started.  I still have my Demons.  I’m fighting but not alone.  The former still rips my ass when i’m stupid.  My brother shows me a different way.  Every morning I get a hello sweetie, from some-one who trust me.  With as broken as I am she still trust me to watch her treasure.  Her son.

The Demons wont take me.  I’m saying when.  I kept asking my self what will it take. what will it take for me to understand that I have the right to be happy.  a message from my brother “… your a good friend/brother/person. You doin your best with what you have…”.

I’m so deep in the cave of Demons its not funny.  Now I have a map.  I can finally hear people calling.  I’m not going lose this one.  I have a bracelet I want to win.